


A Conflicted New Home

by Jukeboxbutton



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Absolute Trash, Eventual Smut, F/M, No I'm not implying Kylo is mentally ill, Slow Build?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-13 13:16:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 53,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5709586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jukeboxbutton/pseuds/Jukeboxbutton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reassigned to Starkiller Base. This was your new home and your assignment was to bring psychiatric counseling to the base, specifically to Kylo Ren. But how could you help him with his emotions when the ones he desires most are the ones that stand against everything you'd ever been taught? It wouldn't be such a problem if he would cooperate with you. Or if he would just stop looking at you like that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really nervous about writing this. I'm fairly new to the Star Wars fandom but I'm very excited to be here and learn everything I can to make this fic as good as possible. Let me know what you think. :) Constructive criticism is very much appreciated. :)

The stars don’t stop moving for anyone. They continue to grow and move, day after day, year after year. So why does it feel like ground beneath your feet is immobile? We don’t feel the planet moving, but at this particular moment it felt as though nothing was moving. Everything stopped growing, everything stopped moving. Your lungs felt suffocated, and you could feel your fingers trembling as you grasped the sheet of paper off your desk. 

Moving, you think to yourself. Moving away. You weren’t just moving down the street or to another sector of your planet. You were moving systems away from your home. A trembling finger grazed over the official order seal from the chief director of your employer. It wasn’t a question as to whether or not you were being relocated, it was a demand. 

You could quit, you think to yourself. But who would care for Mama and Papa? They would get along without you, you think. But with no income of their own, there was no way they’d survive. 

You had stared at the official order all night, feeling your world crumbling. It had been specially delivered to you this morning, but you couldn’t bring yourself to open it until a few hours ago. Why were you the one who to be chosen? Couldn’t it have been someone else? Someone with more … confidence? No, that wasn’t the word, you think. You were confident. You were just … frightened, you reflected.

_You will be assigned to Starkiller Base in the galactic west. Your extensive psychiatric knowledge and support is highly desirable to the First Order. They have hand selected you via your credentials to assist them and you will be relocated to the base indefinitely. Your presents is expected within the next three days._

The letter continued on, giving directions as to where you are to go and when. Behind you, the tiny clock on the wall continued to tick loudly in your ears. You were frightened, you reluctantly admitted to yourself. 4 years of residency in a psychiatric hospital taught you many things, but none of them had to do with treating those amongst the the notorious First Order. You had heard of people being captured by Stormtroopers for simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time and never being heard from again. The galaxy was afraid of the First Order, that much you knew. So why would anyone willingly go there?

But you had your family to think of. Mama and Papa and your little brother Ollith. They depended on your income more than you did. After Papa had been injured years ago in the Galactic Civil War fighting for the Resistance, there had been no more income to help the family. Your mother wasn’t stable enough to find employment and your father was too badly injured to consider going back into the workforce. Ollith was too young.

That left you. You paid for your time at the Academy though odd jobs and worked nights to help with bills at home. You alone were your family’s source of income. You learned how to treat mental illnesses and behavioral issues while at the Academy and tried to help your mother return to her feet. But treating family was too much of a difficult task. Mama suffered deeply from depression and anxiety. Once Papa had been injured, she feared she would be left alone and sunk into a depression. Papa turned out for the better, but never returned to his normal self, and neither did she. 

Now was your chance to have a better income to send home to them. So they could live comfortably and happily - if their minds allowed it. There was no accepting the position, for it was required of you. But there was accepting it in your mind. Slowly, you stood to your feet and began packing your belongings, quiet not to wake everyone. 

You couldn’t bear to say goodbye, let alone tell Papa where you were going. You could hear his disapproving voice telling you how much of a disgrace it was for you to be working under the First Order - the ashes of who he fought against. You could only hope that they would all be satisfied with the pay. You thought of what it could buy - a new bed for Mama and Papa, some new toys for Ollith - perhaps even a better house than the shack they lived in now. 

Yes, you would accept this offer. You had no other choice. Your anxiety would have to take a backseat for now.

Slowly, your hand scribbled out a letter to Mama and Papa. You thanked them for everything they’d done for you, and told them about where you were going and why. You hoped they would understand. 

You grabbed your hastily packed suitcase and turned to look at the kitchen once more. Your lips turned into a small frown and your fingers shook as you stuffed the letter into your coat pocket. Breathing deeply, you shut off the light and left for your journey to Starkiller Base.


	2. Chapter Two

The spacecraft slowly made its descend to a metallic planet covered with white snow. It was nearing 2 in the morning, you realized as you noticed most of the lights in the space station were off. The sounds of the craft releasing air pressure as it landed sounded in your ears and you took a deep breath.

In your hands, you held a small piece of metal. Its edges were burned and it was small enough to fit in your small palm. You think back to when you were leaving for Academy and your father had pulled you aside. 

_“Take this.” He insisted._

_“What is it?” You turned the piece of metal over in your hand, grazing your fingertips over the burnt edges._

_“A piece of the Death Star.” His eyes twinkle with pride. “I’ve had it for years. Let it be a reminder of the Light and of the bravery and courage it took to get it.”_

You stare down at it now, your palms sweating. You hear the pilot radio to the base, relaying the message that the craft had landed and someone was to escort you from the craft. The pilot pressed a button on his dash and the door behind him swung open, letting a frigid gust of air hit you immediately. 

“I can handle it.” You pressed, feeling embarrassed. Did you not look capable? “Thank you for the ride.” 

As you stand up hurriedly, the piece of metal in your lap toppled into the floor before you. Your cheeks burn as you notice the pilot look back at you through his mirror. You bend down to retrieve your possessions as quickly as possible. I just want to get to my room, you think. 

“Clumsy, today?” You hear a voice.

Standing up, you reach for your suitcase next to you but there is already a black gloved hand holding it. If your heart could have stopped there, it would have. Looking up, your eyes meet with a tall, red haired man’s searing gaze. His jaw is clenched and judging by the rings around his sleeve, you already know he is of high rank. 

“[y/n]” He says, his tone differing from his harsh gaze. “We’ve been expecting you. Welcome. Late night traveler, are we?” 

You nod your head, fingers sweating as you slip the metal into your pocket. 

“Yes, thank you. I just wanted to get here … as soon as possible.” You grab your satchel from below the seat and swing it over your shoulder. 

“General Hux.” He extended his lengthy arm to offer a handshake. You took it, letting him squeeze your petite hand. “If you could follow me, I’ll show you to your quarters.” 

He motioned for you to go before him and you do so, pushing up the collar of your jacket as the wind burns your skin. The cold wind was howling in your hears as the two of you trudged through the snow. Once you get to the door, you watch the General as he punches in a code on a keypad close by. It unlocked and swung open, the heat hitting your face. 

“We’re pleased to have you aboard, [y/n]. We think you’ll be a nice addition to the First Order and exceedingly beneficial to the minds of those on board.” He says as the door behind him closes.

“It’s a pleasure to be here. But I’m unsure as to whether or not you are aware that I am not here to join your organization. I’m here on business.” You replied, studying your surroundings. Everything around you was metallic, your shoes clicking beneath you as you tried to keep up with Hux. 

“Of course.” He replied. “Business. Now, I suppose I could give you your instructions.” He stated, turning his head slightly to watch you. 

“Yes, that would be most beneficial to my sleeping patterns, General.” You quipped bravely. The side of his lip twitched. 

“Captain Phasma and I hand selected you to for our base. We saw your credentials with working with those who suffer from chronic, volatile anger as well as a variety of other ailments.” 

“I specialize in anger management.” You offered.

“Yes, obviously. That is the main reason for your relocation. I am the commander of this ship, but we have others who we take commands from. Supreme Leader Snoke is one of them.

You shift uncomfortably as you continue to walk.

“The Supreme Leader gave directions to me that I am telling in hopes you’ll respect its privacy. He recommends that Master Kylo Ren be seen by someone to help him with his conflicting emotions and sudden bursts of rage. We have lost two stormtroopers as well as numerous pieces of machinery this month due to his ungovernable outbursts.” 

“He needs counseling.” You repeat, your eyes narrowing. “Shouldn’t his Master do this?” 

“That is not his place.” Hux replied, hovering a gentle hand in the air. “Snoke has tried. There is only so much he can do. He does not have the knowledge you do. We’re depending on your skills to help him.” 

You nodded your head, understanding as you turn another corner. Two stormtroopers stood in front of a door talking as they held their weapons at ease. Noticing, they looked over at the General and stood up a little straighter, ceasing their conversation almost immediately. You watched as the General glared at them out of the corner of his eye as he walked by, his features harsh. Your mouth twitched in an apologetic smile towards them. 

Hux abruptly dropped your suitcase and reached for a key out of his pocket. 

“This will be your quarters. Meals are served periodically throughout the day in the Mess Hall. We expect you to keep your quarters clean and tidy.” He opened the door and held the key up, letting it dangle over your open palm. 

“You’re scheduled to meet Master Ren tomorrow morning. I expect you to be there.” You watched as he fished at the inside of his coat pocket, pulling out a folded sheet of paper. “Here is some information on Master Ren.” 

“Does he know you’re sending me?” You ask, suddenly having a wave of anxiety hit you. 

“He will be informed.” Hux nodded his head curtly. “We appreciate this.” 

“Thank you for this opportunity.” You bite your tongue, hearing your fathers voice in your head. 

“You’re welcome, [y/n]. Get some sleep, now.” Hux patted your shoulder as he walked past you. Looking down, your fingers gently unfolded the paper and scanned its contents.

_“Kylo Ren - Room 232_

_Master of the Knights of Ren_

_Mother: Leia Organa_

_Father: Han Solo_

_Paternal Grandfather: Unknown_

_Paternal Grandmother: Unknown_

_Maternal Grandmother: Padme Amidala_

_Maternal Grandfather: Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader”_

Your heart sunk.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there! Thank you so much for the kudos and comments! I really love hearing feedback and constructive criticism. Heres chapter three. I hope you like it :) More soon!

You hadn’t slept. How could you knowing that you would be treating Darth Vader’s grandson in a few hours? Around 5 am you finally rolled yourself out of bed and rubbed your tired eyes. You’d spent the majority of the night rolling around in bed and thinking of how you could treat a man that knew how to penetrate your thoughts or could kill you so quickly and easily without any remorse that you wouldn’t even know you were about to die. 

You had slept a total of 45 minutes - not consecutively. You sat at the edge of your bunk and looked around the room. It wasn’t a bad little room, you thought to yourself. It was much like your dorm room at the Academy with the addition of a nice bathroom that wasn’t shared by a group of reckless young adults. 

You stood up and walk into the bathroom, hearing the ground beneath your bare feet creak. As you walk past the dresser, you glance at the letter of your reassignment and the sheet of paper with Master Ren’s information. Would you call him Master Ren? Did he prefer to be called something else? Your fingers graze over the Death Star’s shrapnel that was acting as a paperweight.

Your stomach churned a little bit more.

In the bathroom, you looked at yourself in the mirror. You touched your hair, combing your fingers through the knots before sighing heavily to yourself. Your father would be getting up soon. You could almost feel his heart breaking as he would read your letter left on the kitchen table. What would he think? Would he even accept the money you send back to them? 

The Order had left you a newly polished off uniform that had instructions for you to wear during every meeting with Kylo. You grabbed the uniform off the dresser right outside the bathroom door and lifted your shirt off. In the mirror, your reflection seemed distant. It didn’t feel like you standing on the other side of this mirror. You looked at your skin, brushing your fingers down your arm. You shook your head and clothed yourself in the First Order uniform. _What would Papa think of this?_ you think to yourself. 

You skipped breakfast for your stomach could barely handle drinking water. You skimmed through some of your old text books you had stuffed in your already packed suitcase to review. You were unsure of what to expect. Treating someone who was a master of the Force wasn’t new territory for you, but nonetheless it was still intimidating.

At quarter to 8, you found yourself searching the halls for room 232. It wasn’t far from where your bunk was located and you stood in front of the cold metal door for a few seconds before knocking. Your knuckles stung against the cool steel. 

A moment later, the door slid open to reveal a room full of controls, all dipped in a metallic luster. All the lights in the room were dimmed and it took a moment for your eyes to adjust to the dark environment. You look around, feeling uneasy that no one was standing before you. You poked your head in, looking around. You could see a room attached to the one you were standing in and inside were two seats, one of which was already occupied.

“I’m assuming you’re my _shrink_.” A deep voice spat from the other room. The hair on the back of your neck stood up as you put a face to the voice. 

Kylo Ren sat in the chair furthest from where you were standing, his gaze was out the clear window that showcased the galaxy. He wore a mask dipped with silver accents that distorted his voice and amplified his breathing. You stood there for a moment, the beeping sounds of the machinery deaf to your ringing ears. Looking at him, his limbs barely fit properly in the chair. HIs fingers were crossed at his stomach and his legs stretched out before him, all of which were cloaked in black. He turned his head to face you and you suddenly could feel his body stiffen at the sight of you. He didn’t speak.

You cleared your throat, regaining your composure. “Hello. I’m [y/n]. General Hux must have spoken to you about our meeting, yes?” 

He looked away, “Unfortunately.” 

You tried to crack a nervous smile, “You don’t have to be so gloom and doom about it, Master Ren.” 

He was silent for a moment before turning his head back to you. 

“I wasn’t expecting a woman.” He sneered through his mask. 

You bowed your head, “I apologize. I hope you can look past my gender and we can learn some things together. May I sit?” You motioned to the seat across from him. He nodded his head, adjusting himself uncomfortably in his seat.

“I have plenty of other things to attend to right now.” His voice fumed. “If these weren’t orders from Supreme Leader Snoke, I wouldn’t have agreed to this nonsense.”

“It’s not nonsense, Master Ren.” You speak softly to him. “I just want to know a little about you. Do you mind if we do that?”

“I don’t really have a choice, do I?” He gripped the side of his leather chair.

You noticed he wouldn’t look at you. 

“You do have a choice.” You reminded him, tapping your pen against your clipboard. He didn’t respond.

“Tell me about yourself. What was your life like before the First Order?”  
Ren scoffed, and you could almost hear the sarcastic smile behind his mask. 

“That was no life. Training to be a Jedi. I never wanted such a thing. Solo knew this, but he didn’t stop my mother from sending me away.”

“So your relationship with your parents was rather - frail?”

He turned to look at you. “They were _weak_ and spineless.”

You thought about the small piece of metal in your back pocket. You became hyper aware of it, thinking of all those in the Resistance that sacrificed their lives to bring the Empire down. The legend that is Han Solo was anything but weak. And yet, here his son was before you speaking ill of his accomplishments.

“So you do not feel any sort of connection to your parents?” You ask.

“None.” He replied. “That part of me is dead.” 

You nod your head, “you don’t identify with your old self then? The man before Kylo Ren?” 

“I don’t wish to talk about my old self. He was foolish. He no longer exists.” He stood to his feet, walking closer to the grand window. You watch him, his height much more than you expected. He folded his hands behind his back and you watch his fingers flex in their leather bounds. 

“He doesn’t?” You inquire. Ren turned to face you. You can sense his disgust in you for questioning him. Although you couldn’t see his face, you were positive his eyes were locked on you. You stare back at him, holding your ground. 

After a moment, he turned back around to face the window. You wait, hoping he will have something to say. The only sounds filling your ears are those of the machinery in the room behind you. You remain silent, pausing in hopes he will speak. But he doesn’t.

“I think that man is still in you, Master Ren.” You offer hesitantly, your heart pounding in your ears. 

The words had just left your mouth when your body was suddenly ridged and Kylo was facing you. His long gloved fingers were reaching out towards you, holding your body completely still. You could suddenly feel his rage.

You tried to move, feeling yourself begin to panic. A chill of raw fear ran down your spine and you could feel your body shaking under his force. Sweat immediately began flowing from your pores. His eyes lock with yours, taking in your fear. What felt like minutes passing could have been only seconds. _What is he going to do to me?_ You think. _Am I going to die?_

Suddenly, his head tilted and all at once you watch his hand fall back to his side. You felt yourself regaining movement in your body. 

You watch as he turned back around, holding his hands behind his back again. 

“This meeting is over.” His voice betrayed his words, sounding softer than you would have expected. He almost sounded ashamed. You stare down at the sheet of paper before you with only two notes written down. Silently, you gather your things and stand from your seat. For a moment you watch him stare out at the stars, his posture stiff and you know he can feel you watching him. 

“I will see you tomorrow, Master Ren.” You turn to leave the room, holding your clipboard tightly to your chest.

“[y/n].” You felt your heart leap into your throat. You turn to face him but he is still looking away. 

“I do not wish to hurt you.” His distorted low voice spoke. “I hope you understand this.”

You swallow and give a soft nod in his direction. 

“Of course, Master Ren.” You reply quietly, unsure as to what to think of his comment. You watch him for a moment more, not knowing if you should say something further. When he doesn’t acknowledge you, you finally turn to leave the room. 

With the sounds of the beeping machinery behind you, you let out a long sigh as the door slides closed behind you. This was certainly going to be more difficult than expected.


	4. Chapter Four

You laid in bed later that afternoon, staring at the ceiling above you. You couldn’t shake the thought of what happened during your session with Kylo. You couldn’t have been there more than 5 minutes before he had stunned you into immobility. You lifted your hands, staring at them and wondering how some people could have the Force coursing through their veins and some didn’t. 

“I wish I had the Force.” You murmur quietly to yourself. “Then maybe he could get a taste of his own medicine.” 

You flexed your fingers, clenching them and unclenching them. Finally, you sighed to yourself and stand up from your bed. There was no use in sitting around wishing for things that were impossible. 

Next to your feet were three psychology books stacked atop of one another. You reach for one and begin to flip through its contents. 

Your intuition told you that Kylo wasn’t just an angry person naturally. Something was bothering him. Of course, some of the anger had to be hereditary. You could think of the stories your father had told you about Darth Vader’s infamous rage - force choking people and throwing them across rooms. 

But you knew it was something more. You think to yourself, wondering how it must feel to betray your parents. How you must feel deep down knowing that the ones that raised you are torn apart by your action. Then a sobering realization hits you. _You betrayed your parents by coming here._

You shake your head. Not nearly as bad as he did, you think. They’ll forgive you once the money came in… you hoped. 

You thumbed through a section of your book, stopping at a page marked Managing Your Anger. You pause, your fingers traveling over the words.

_\- Relaxation - Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings._

You scoff to yourself, thinking of how well it would go if you tried to tell Kylo Ren to breathe deeply and imagine something pleasant. 

_\- Cognitive Restructuring - For instance, instead of telling yourself, “oh, it’s awful, it’s terrible, everything’s ruined,” tell yourself, “it’s frustrating, and it’s understandable that I’m upset about it, but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.”_

_\- Problem Solving - There is a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn’t always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem._

_Better Communi-_ There was a knock at your door. You froze for a minute, wondering who it could be coming to see you. No one really knew you were now residing here with the exception of Hux, Phasma, and Ren. 

You folded the page over to keep your place and gently placed it on the bed beside you. You glanced at yourself in the mirror, fixing a stray hair that had fallen from your tight bun. You pressed the button next to the door and the sound of air compression filled your ears as it slid open. On the other side was a Stormtrooper, holding their weapon at ease with a note in their other hand.

“General Hux requests you in the Command Center.” The low voice spoke. He handed you the note and turned on his heel to leave, marching away. 

You looked down at the letter, unfolding it with hesitation. It was just a room number. Crumbling it up in your palm, you turn to shut your door and head in the direction of room 106. 

Upon finding it, you notice two stormtroopers guarding the outside of the door. He look turn to you and consider you, wondering who you might be. 

“I’m here to see General Hux,” you inform them. One of them nodded and pressed the button for the door to slide open. 

The room is filled with officers scrambling about, sitting at their computers and showing paperwork to one another. Much like the window in Kylo’s room, the wall furthest away was complete glass that exhibited all of the galaxy's marvel. You stood there for a moment, taking in your surroundings. You listened to the clicking of officers fingers on their keypads, the tapping of their digits on their datapads. 

In the center of the room was General Hux, standing tall with his back to you. Beside him was a silver stormtrooper, their cape flowing down to well below their knees. They seemed to be in deep conversation, you conclude as you watch them tap at the datapad in Hux’s hand. The silver stormtrooper nods their head, turning back on their heel. They notice you and tilt their head to the side as if wondering who you are. 

Hux turns, half paying attention to his surroundings as he stares down at his datapad. Finally, he looks up and notices you standing there. 

“[y/n]. Nice to see you again.” You walk up the steel steps to reach them, becoming conscious of your heels clicking on the metal below you. Some officers turn to look at you and you feel your face growing red as one blows a low whistle in your direction. You turn and look, noticing a young officer blow a kiss in your direction. You shake your head, irritated. 

Hux ignored them and lifted his head from his pad. 

“Did you sleep well?” He asks. 

“Quite well.” You lie. 

“This is Captain Phasma. I mentioned her before last night in our conversation.” Hux motioned to the silver stormtrooper beside him. 

“Pleasure to meet you, [y/n]. How are things so far?” She asks you curtly. 

You give a nod, “They’re going quite well. I had my meeting with Master Ren this morning.”

Hux glanced up at you as he tapped his fingers against his data pad, making corrections to a document. 

“How was that?” He asked, his voice dripping with curious irritability. You were unsure what to make of his tone. 

“To be honest, General it didn’t go as well as I had hoped.”

“As expected,” Hux replied. Finally, he shut his datapad off and turned his attention to you. “Ren was rather displeased with me when I spoke to him about this situation. If it wasn’t fo-”

“Snoke he wouldn’t have agreed.” You finish his sentence. Hux gave an apologetic smirk, nodding his head. 

“I suspect he will just need some time.” Hux clucked, turning to face the window. 

“He’s very strong-willed, [y/n]. But as Hux indicated, Ren will come around soon enough. Just give it some time.” 

“Was he too much to handle, [y/n]?” Hux asked, turning to glance at you over his shoulder. He folded his hands behind his back, reminding you of Ren. 

“If being immobilized by the Force is too much to handle, then yes,” You admitted as your mouth turning into a small half-hearted smile. 

Hux looked over at Phasma, frowning. “Do you wish to have a stormtrooper accompany you to your meetings?” 

You considered his question, shifting onto your other foot uncomfortably. 

“No, I think I can handle myself,” you finally breathe. “I feel he will open up to me more if it is just the two of us.” 

“A noble conclusion,” Hux offers. “Sacrificing your own safety for the Order.” 

Behind you, you hear the now familiar sound of a door sliding open. Although your back was turned, you felt goosebumps scamper across your skin almost immediately. You brush your fingers across them, feeling the little-risen bumps. Ren.

As you turn, your eyes fell upon Kylo Ren, standing in front of the grand steel door. He stares at the three of you, undoubtedly curious about the conversation. Maybe even a little annoyed. 

“Good day, General, Captain,” Kylo spoke nodding his head in their direction. HIs voice dripped with displeasure. He didn’t look at you, but simply strode past you, walking in between the General and yourself. 

“Kylo,” Hux acknowledged. “We were just speaking to [y/n] about your meeting this morning.” 

Your eyes traveled down Ren’s back, watching his shoulders tense and his hands clench themselves. 

“I do not wish for you to be speaking about me behind my back, General.” Kylo snapped. His head turned to look at Hux over his shoulder. “This is a matter between Supreme Leader, [y/n] and I. Not _you._ ” 

“My apologies, Ren,” Hux grumbled, narrowing his eyes into a sneer of irritation. 

“See to it that it doesn’t happen again.” With that, you watch as Kylo turns on his heel and strides past the three of you. You couldn’t see his eyes, but you could feel the burn of his gaze on you as he walked past you. 

There were those goosebumps again. 

* * * * * * * * *

“I think your outbursts of anger mean something more,” You speak hesitantly to Kylo, watching him fiddle with the tip of his lightsaber attached securely to his belt. Your eyes watch him, wondering if it is a nervous habit of his to touch his weapon or if he feels threatened by your presence. 

It was a few days later and your third meeting with Kylo. You brought along your favorite textbook from your time at the Academy and held it underneath your notes. 

He didn’t speak. Although his welcome today was a bit more promising than the days before, Kylo still seemed as though he was uninterested in cooperating. 

“Don’t you think?” You inquire, holding out a gentle hand in the air. 

“My anger is because of those around me who do not appreciate what my grandfather started,” Kylo stated, turning his head to face you finally. “They don’t see the value.” 

“But you can’t change what those around you do, Master Ren,” You offer. “Not everything will go your way in life.” 

His fist pounded on the leather chair and you jumped, “I’ve gotten this far. I will finish what he started. Those around me are mere incompetent swine.” 

You nod your head trying to look as understanding as possible while carefully concealing your anxiety. You felt yourself grow red as he stared at you, his fist still clenched and anger still raging.

“Back to your anger,” You redirect after a moment. “Right now, you feel it. No?” 

He considered you for a moment, unclenching his fist and leaning back into his leather chair. It squeaked under the pressure. 

“Do you feel angry right now, Master Ren?” You probe again. 

His voice was low, “yes.” 

“Why? Is it because of something you feel strong about that isn’t going your way?”

Kylo remained silent. 

“Or is it because you wish to have something you know you shouldn’t?”

“I don’t follow,” He quickly sneered. 

“I can sense you still feel the pull towards your parents, Kylo. Toward the good. I think this is why you feel so compelled to succeed. You want to prove yourself- to get away from the light before it pulls you back.” 

You watch him for a moment more, waiting for him to respond. Moments pass by of the two of you in silent, nothing but the tapping of his fingers and the machinery behind you for noise. Finally, you stand up and gather your belongings. 

“Consider what I indicated, Master Ren,” You tell him softly, watching him stare out into the galaxy. 

As you turn to leave, you hear him rest back into his chair, sighing heavily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter things will get interesting! More soon xox


	5. Chapter Five

You looked down at the food in your plate, pushing your peas around with your fork thoughtfully. Next to you was a crudely written history of Kylo’s past, written up by General Hux and slipped under your door that morning. You stared at it, wondering about some of its lack of details. 

_Kylo Ren - Master of the Knights of Ren - came to us 4 years ago at he appointing of Supreme Leader Snoke. Previously, he began his training to become a Jedi under the apprenticeship of a famous Jedi knight before realizing the true nature of the Force. Supreme Leader Snoke was the one who sought after Ren, sensing his powers and thus summoned him to join the First Order. Ren has been aboard Starkiller Base since its inception and will continue to be a pivotal tool in the rise of the First Order._

Why exactly had Ren left his Master to work for the Order? Who had been his Master? And why was Ren so closed off to everyone about his past? The letter from Hux was vague, not giving much detail, which left you to fit the pieces back into a blank puzzle. 

You wondered if his master could have been Luke Skywalker, the famed Jedi who had taken down Darth Vader. You think back to his family tree, remembering his mother’s name. _Leia Organa._ That would have made Luke his Uncle, you think. Could that be why he was so emotional? Did he feel sorry for betraying not only the Light but his Uncle as well? 

Emotional, you consider. You almost felt sorry for him. But how could you feel sorry for someone who consciously betrayed their family for the dark side? But what exactly had pulled him towards the dark side in the first place?

Next to you, you scribble down on your napkin: _What compelled you to train on the dark side?_

Stuffing the napkin in your uniform’s pocket, you stand up and grab your tray of half eaten food. You haven’t been hungry much lately. When you weren’t picking apart Kylo Ren’s world, you were thinking about your family back home and wondering what they were doing. Would Papa ever forgive you, you wonder as you walk down the aisle of hungry officers. Would they write? Perhaps you should write them another letter to let them know you had arrived safely, you thought sadly.

Without warning, you suddenly felt a hasty pinch on your behind, causing you to jump from your skin. You turn around, staggered. It was the officer from the control room who had so boldly whistled at you in front of the General. You stare at him for a moment, mouth agape as you slap his hand away.

“How dare you,” you spat. “Control yourself, you filthy pig!” 

His colleagues around him snickered, smiling at you and elbowing him with delight.

“Not with that ass, baby.” He leaned forward trying to grab you again but you move away. At a loss for words and fuming, you quickly threw your tray in the closest garbage and exited the mess hall. 

“Filthy _men,”_ you sputtered, your face burning in both embarrassment and anger. The _nerve._ With a mess of colorful words floating through your mind and your feet traveling much faster than normal, you suddenly found yourself in an unknown part of your sector. You look around as anger and embarrassment had replaced themselves with frustration and an ounce of anxiety. You stared at the room numbers, concentrating on remembering if you had ever been there. 

Nothing looked familiar. Actually, everything looked familiar because the whole base appeared similar. Two stormtroopers rounded the corner to pass by you, not bothering to look in your direction. Your mouth opened with a question on its tip, but they were gone before you could find it in your pride to tell them you were lost.

You started walking, hoping you could find your way back to the mess hall at least. You poked your head in some rooms as you walked by, observing some stormtroopers leisurely reclining in their chairs as they watched a game of virtual chess. Their laughter filled your ears, but it was quickly replaced by the sounds of a rage filled cry that echoed down the corridor. You practically jumped out of your skin. 

The cry sounded again, causing your heart to jump from in its place. You looked around, your eyes landing on an open door where sparks bounced and scattered across the floor. The sounds of metal and hardware being ripped through caused you to take a step back. 

Finally, just as quickly as it had started, it stopped. The stormtroopers who you had noticed before poked their heads out of their room, staring at you in bewilderment. 

Curiosity seemed to guide you closer to the door.

“Good luck with that,” one of the stormtroopers murmured behind you. You ignored them.

Smoke filled the air as you peered into the chamber, leaning against the frame of the door. You waved your hand in front of your face, looking around at the pieces of metal that lay singed on the floor. Your eyes travel to a dark mass leaning over the machinery, their shoulders hunched over with labored breathing. _Ren?_ In his hand was a glowing red lightsaber, it’s cross section still scorching the metal close by. 

“Master Ren?” Despite your uneasiness, your voice remained steady. 

“ _What?”_ He bellowed, turning to face you. He took a step closer and you held your hands up defensively, backing away. The grip on his lightsaber tightened. 

“I apologize for the intrusion, Master Ren.” You uttered. “I just-” 

“You what?” He fumed. You glanced down at his right hand still gripping his weapon. “You came to cure me? Cure me of my anger?”

You stare at him for a moment, letting your hands fall away from their defense. Your eyes narrow, watching him watch you as his chest heaved in fury. 

“I don’t think you understand your anger,” you spoke softly. 

“I understand it!” He bellowed, ramming his lightsaber into a nearby cabinet. “Stop trying to pick me apart! You don’t know me! You don’t know what I am capable of!”

He stared at you through his mask, his other hand clenching and unclenching its fingers. In your ears, you could feel your the blood rushing as it tried to pump itself through your system. Your heart felt like it might beat out of its cage. 

Your eyes locked with the slot in his mask where his eyes were. You took a step closer to him. His chest was still heaving but he didn’t move, surprised at his sudden lack of space. Slowly, you lifted a quivering hand in the air, watching him with fixed eyes as you gently placed it on the grip of his lightsaber. You held his thickly gloved fingers for a moment before finally pressing his thumb down to deactivate the burning red strobe. 

Carefully you lifted your hand away, watching him as you took a step back, hoping he wouldn’t strangle you. 

“I think I do know who you are, Kylo,” You told him quietly. “And deep down, I think you know too.” 

His anger returned. He pounded the base of his lightsaber against the cabinet, grunting and leaving a sizable dent. 

“I don’t want to feel this anymore,” His voice was almost pleading. “I desire so much more. But I can’t have it because -” He trailed off. 

“You can have it,” You tell him quickly. Were you encouraging him to further his wicked course? “You just have to accept your anger. Accept why you get angry. Accept that your rage stems from other things- from your past. Accept it! Accept who you are!”  

He stared at you for a moment more before bowing his head. There was silence in the room. The sizzling of electric wires surrounded you and you could feel the heat from machines attempting to service at their usual levels.

 “Who I was. And who I no longer wish to be.” 

You pause for a moment, staring at him. You stuff your hands into your jacket pocket and remember what you wrote down. You hesitate, your eyes still fixated on him.

“Why are you here, Kylo?” You raised just above a whisper. “What are you doing at the First Order?”

“I belong here,” He answered quickly. 

“Snoke says you belong here,” You remind him. “Doesn’t he?” 

“Are you trying to change me?” He spat.

“No!” You quickly lift your hands. “I just want you to see things differently.” 

“Snoke is a good man!” He waved his hand as if to dismiss you. “He helped me when I needed it most. When I was teased and tormented at the Jedi Temple by my peers, Snoke came to me - telling me things I wish I had always known. _Peace is a lie, there is only passion._ _Through passion, I gain strength._ _Through strength, I gain power._ _Through power, I gain_ victory _.”_

Ren stared at you, his fist balled up before him with fervor. 

“But didn’t your master-” 

“My _Master?”_ He spluttered angrily. “Luke Skywalker! Luke Skywalker - the man my men are searching the galaxy for as we speak. The man, who like a coward ran into hiding after I realized the truth of the Force. The man who tried to teach me things but never showed discipline to those who tormented me. Luke Skywalker is no man. He is a coward.” 

You crumple the napkin up in your fist, feeling lost for words. 

“Do you not feel any remorse for having betrayed him? For having betrayed your family?” You ask now, leaving your counseling aside. This was a personal question you needed to suddenly know. The two of you stood on opposite ends of the room as he suddenly turned away from you, his shoulders stiff.  

He looked down, reholstering his weapon to his belt. “None.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, to be honest I’m not really satisfied with this chapter. But I’m super sick of staring at it so I’m posting it. Let me know what you think. I love hearing from everyone, even if its constructive criticism. Thank you for reading! More soon! I promise it'll get better if you didn't like this chapter :c


	6. Chapter six

It was two weeks after your arrival at Starkiller Base. You hadn’t made much progress with Kylo, but you were getting somewhere. Your meetings with him were short, but each day you felt you chip away at his anger problem just a little bit more. Your notes on him were growing longer and the pages of your notebook growing thicker with each meeting.

Now, you stood in your small bathroom, looking at yourself in the mirror as you tried to tame your hair into a braid.

You jumped at the sound of a loud, metal on metal knock at your door.

“A letter, ma’am,” A stormtrooper extended his free hand when you had opened it, handing you a thin worn looking letter. It bore stamps across the top of it and the long willow looking handwriting was immediately recognizable as your mothers. You felt your heart sink into your stomach. You stood there motionless, staring at the paper in his hands. 

“T-thank you,” you finally managed, taking the letter carefully. 

“Good day,” He added quickly before you shut the door. You stared down at it, the return address hastily written out with your home planets insignia on it. You turned it around in your hand, considering to yourself if you should open it this early in the morning before your meeting with Kylo. You didn’t want to become distracted with him.

You couldn’t stand waiting, though. Jamming your finger in the corner, you opened the envelope, extracting its contents. You let the envelope fall to the floor as you unfolded the letter in your trembling fingers. What could this be about?

“ _To my first born, [y/n],”_

You realized it was your father’s handwriting on the inside. Perhaps he had made your mother write the address on the front knowing you would open it if it were from her.

“ _We received your letter the morning you left us. Since you have gone, your mother has fallen into a deeper depression. She doesn’t understand your departure from your job on this planet, or from us. Your brother, Ollith is heartbroken. He has looked up to you and your accomplishments over the years._

_However, I have enlightened him on the deception of your actions in light of your recent disappearance._

_Although asking why you have left to us to work for the Other side would be the proper thing to say in this letter, no amount of excuses or answers could mend our fragile hearts at this time. You say that it is a financial situation which prompted you to accept this position, but we have discussed this and decided we do not wish to take the credits you give us. Please keep the money. Taking credits from the First Order would be an abomination to my work in the Resistance years ago._

_If you still hold that piece of the Death Star I had so dotingly given to you upon your retreat to Academy, I would like to kindly ask for it back at this time. Perhaps your brother, Ollith will appreciate it’s monumental value and meaning more than you have._

_Love,_

_Papa”_

You sat down on the edge of your bed, feeling the world around you begin to disintegrate and fall out of existence. Your fingers shook and your eyes filled with tears, crumpling the paper up into your fist. You stared at it in the palm of your hand, your heart broken with just the thought of the words. You sunk to the floor, your knees buckling.

“What have I done?” you whispered to yourself, holding your head in your hands. You did this for them, you thought to yourself acidly. You came here for the money so that you could send it back to them and so that they could live comfortably and happily. So that maybe you could help Ollith pay for his time at the Academy so he wouldn’t have to struggle like you did. 

And Papa, you think as you lean your head on the ground, clutching your sides. He wanted his most prized possession back from you. You knew in your heart what that really meant. There was no coming back from this mistake, you thought. Tears streamed down your face and you stood up from the ground, quiet sobs coming heaving in your chest.

You had never felt so alone than you did then.

* * * * * *

“Have you been able to control your anger any better?” you sat across from Kylo, watching him as his gloved finger brushed around the bottom of his mask. He stared at you, or at least, you thought he was staring at you. He was probably wondering why your eyes were swollen or why your hair was frizzy and not pulled back neatly like normal. You had tried your best to look presentable this morning but you couldn’t even bring yourself to feel worthy to try.

“I suppose you could say that,” He answered dryly. 

“General Hux informed me you had risen your voice at him yesterday,” you tell him. “What was that about?”

He didn’t answer you. A few beats passed before you watched him lean forward and rest his elbows on his knees, cupping his hands together. You stared at him, your eyebrow lifted in curiosity. You looked back down at your notes, hoping he would look away. Your face grew red.

“You want to leave,” His low rumbling voice spoke suddenly. 

“Pardon?” you lifted your eyes to meet him. 

“Something is bothering you.” It wasn’t a question, you realized. It was a statement - a fact that he was giving you. Suddenly you felt vulnerable and your face swelled with embarrassment. 

“Nothing is bothering me, Master Ren,” you tell him softly. “We’re here to talk about you, not me.” 

“What is it that you don’t want me to see?” He asked, his authoritative voice reaching your ears, sending a chill down your spine. 

“I don’t think that my affairs are any of your business,” you tell him calmly, standing your ground. He paused, watching you.

“It is your family, isn’t it?” 

You stare at him, baffled. A flighty thought entered your mind, wondering how he could know that. But then you remembered.

“That is not your business,” You tell him, feeling your voice begin to crack. 

“I see you every day, [y/n]. Did you think I wouldn’t notice the change in your appearance?” 

You shook your head to yourself and looked down. Your wounds were still fresh. You felt sadness bubbling up in your chest.

“Please,” Your lip quivered, your eyes filling with tears as you remember the letter your father had sent you. You think of how it is crumpled up on your rubbish bin, far away in the physical realm but immediate in your mind. 

“Your father is a foolish man,” 

“My father is a hero,” you looked up suddenly, your hand balling into a fist. “This is none of your business.” 

You sat there, your eyes locked on him as he stared back at you. Did he know what you were thinking? Could he hear you right now? Did he know the pain you felt this morning? The loneliness you feel now? The anguish of your current situation? You felt empty and alone and you quickly wiped away a tear as it escaped from your eye.

“You’re so alone,” he spoke quietly, “So afraid.” 

You stood up, anger now flashing before your eyes. This was a private matter and here he was intruding on your thoughts, on your family. The mix of emotions you felt was suddenly becoming debilitating.

He stood up also, taking a step closer to you. Your body stiffened, your nails digging into your palm as you clenched your fist.

“This is none of your business,” you repeated again, tears threatening to fall once more. “I am here to help _you_ and receive my pay. Not tell you my secrets.”

He was too close to you, you thought. You tried to take a step back, but the back of your knees hit the chair, causing you to wobble on the spot. He grabbed your arm, steadying you. Was he touching you? Your face felt hot and your spine was tingling. You looked down, his thumb in the crook of your elbow, his grip surprisingly gentle. You looked up, searching his mask. You had never seen it up close. You noticed the little dents and scrapes scattered across the metal, pieces of its paint previously chipped off from battle.

“Don’t be afraid,” His altered voice murmured through his mask. He let go of your arm, hovering his hand above your face. You looked his gloved palm inches from your temple. He was reading your mind, you thought. You closed your eyes, fear engulfing you despite his reassurance. This was the man that had grown so accustomed to slaughtering innocent people he didn’t even flinch in the face of death. This was the man who could easily slice you open with one jerk of his weapon. You tried not to think of that.

Suddenly, your mind began flashing images. Your reassignment letter, the letter you wrote as you left home, your father’s injury and your mother’s depression. There was even a burst of little Ollith’s school books stacked on the kitchen table. You flinched, seeing your parents bills stacked up tall on their nightstand.

A tear crept out from under your quivering lids, making a trail down your cheek. You felt a warm hand on your chin and you opened your eyes. The feeling of leather felt foreign to your skin. You knew he was looking at you. You could feel his eyes on you. You stared at his shoulder, unwilling to meet his masked gaze.

“You did nothing wrong by coming here,” Kylo’s voice reverberated in your ears. You looked up at him. You didn’t know what to feel and you silently wished he would remove his mask. You suddenly wanted to know more about him, more than the bad you already knew. 

His leather fingers dropped from your chin, leaving it cold. He looked at you once more and dipped his head in a nod before quickly exiting the room, his cape billowing behind him. You lifted your hand to your chin, feeling how weak you suddenly felt as you exhaled for what seemed like the first time in the past five minutes.

What had just happened?

You looked around the empty room. You really didn’t know what, you thought. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Every time I post a chapter, I’m afraid I’m going to lose followers or something. I hope you guys are still enjoying this. I start school and a new job this week, but I will definitely find time to keep writing. Thank you for your support! xox


	7. Chapter Seven

You cancelled two meetings with Kylo over the next few days. Although you were curious about the way he had acted towards you, you still needed time to grieve over your family. You felt as though they had all passed away. You considered writing back to Papa, begging his forgiveness and hoping he would let you come home once your job had finished here. But you knew deep in your heart the mistake you made by coming here was too grand for him to forgive. 

You laid in bed and looked up at your first pay stub from the Order in your hand. What did it even matter anymore? The one thing that meant the world to you no longer cared if you existed. Well, you were sure they cared but you knew they tried not to at this point. 

Your alarm clock on your nightstand blinked 2:03 am. You couldn’t sleep and you hadn’t been able to since you had received Papa’s letter. You stared at the ceiling, replacing the paystub back on the nightstand. What were you doing here still? You could leave now, pack your bags and return home. You could beg for their forgiveness and hope that you wouldn’t get fired from your job back at home for returning. 

You threw your covers off and swung your legs over the bed. You took a deep breath, considering your surroundings. Reaching over, you turned your lamp on and began repacking your bags. You threw your suitcase over your bed and began shoving all your belongings back in its contents. You changed out of your pajamas and into your regular civilian clothes, pulling your hair back in your usual tight bun. 

Your blood began pumping quickly through your system. You stood there for a moment, looking around your now bare room. You gave yourself a little nod in reassurance and left quickly before you could reconsider. 

Striding down the hall at a quick pace, you retraced your footsteps to the best of your ability from the first night you entered the base with General Hux. Finally, you found the freezing hanger where your shuttle had dropped you off previously. You let out a sigh of relief when you saw that your pilot was there again, snoozing loudly in a chair completely bundled up. 

“Excuse me,” you prodded him, giving him a nudge. “I would like a ride.” 

He looked up at you, confused for a moment. He shook his head, “Sorry, Lady. This shuttle isn’t going anywhere right now.” 

“Why not?” You asked irritably. 

“Orders from the General. No flights in or out of this sector after midnight unless ordered.” He dipped his chip back to his chest, closing his eyes. 

What were you going to do now?

“I’ll pay you,” you offered. You took out your paystub from in your pocket. “It’s direct deposited in my account. If I give you this, I promise to get it to you as soon as I get to the bank.” 

“Sorry, Lady.” He didn’t even look at you. You stared at him for a moment more, your lips curling into a sneer. Finally, you turned around and headed back out of the hanger with your suitcase, your anger and frustration playing across your features. You swung the door open and before you could look up you hit a black mass. 

“Excuse me, I’m sorry. I wasn’t looking.” You spluttered. You looked up and took a step back, realizing it was Kylo Ren. 

“Master Ren,” you began softly. “I wasn’t expecting to see you out this late.” 

“I can say the same for you,” He retorted, his voice low behind his mask. 

“I was just-” 

“Leaving?” 

You looked at him, feeling caught. You lips turned into a small frown and you didn’t speak for a moment. You were unsure if you should tell him, but you soon realized he could find out anyway. 

“I need to get home to my family,” you tell him. “They need me.”

He shook his head and you could almost hear the sarcastic smile behind his mask. “They don’t need you anymore.” 

“You don’t know that,” you responded defensively. He stared at you. 

“Walk with me, [y/n].” He turned and touched your shoulder, urging you to follow him.   
“Don’t touch me,” you swatted his hand away. “I need to get home.” 

He turned back and you stared at him, fuming with anger and frustration. You could sense his matching anger. 

“When you accepted this position, you accepted your indefinite stay here. We expect you until we no longer need you.” 

“They don’t need me here anymore,” you shook your head. You knew that was a lie. He had sliced open an electrical terminal yesterday. 

“I need you to stay,” his voice was full of authority. You stared at him, knitting your eyebrows together. You felt as though he hadn’t really meant to say that. 

“You could have so much more here,” he quickly continued. “They don’t need you at home anymore.” 

You stared at him, lost for words to respond. You wished he would stop saying that. You wished he would stop telling you that they didn’t need you there anymore. You were beginning to believe him.

Moments pass between you without a word spoken. Finally, 

“How did you find me?” you ask, both irritation and curiosity overtaking your tone. 

“I could sense your conflicting emotions,” He told you as if it were simply a normal thing to say. 

“My emotions?” 

“Yes,” he responded curtly, not explaining himself. Had he come after you? Why? You felt a twinge of surprise and satisfaction, quickly followed by disgust in yourself. This was not the person to be happy about coming to retrieve you. You scowled at yourself, walking past him. You heard him begin to follow you.

“Why is there so much distaste for me in your mind?” He asked you, turning his head to look at you as he walked next to you. 

“Could you please stop?” You snapped, halting and turning to him. “Stop reading my mind. Stop following me. Stop trying to make me stay.” 

He stood up straight, not saying anything in return. “As you wish,” He replied stiffly. 

“I’ll be leaving as soon as they let me. I’ll be talking to General Hux in the morning. Good night, Master Ren.” 

Swiftly, before he could protest, you began walking back to your room as quickly as your feet could take you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter should be interesting! I'm so appreciative for all the comments and kudos everyone has left me. It's almost overwhelming. Thank you so much for your support <3 More soon :) xox


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Attempted Sexual Assault

“I must apologize, [y/n].” Hux gently spoke as he lifted his head up from his datapad. “But we are in a binding contract with your business from your home planet. We specifically made this document in case a situation like this arose. It states that you will be staying with us until further notice.”

“But I need to get home,” your voice was almost pleading. You felt pathetic, begging the General like this for a ride back home. 

“I’m sorry, but my hands are tied.” 

“What if I chose to leave against this contract?” you offer, noticing how desperate you sounded. 

The General gazed up at you, shutting off his datapad and placing it on his desk. It was just the two of you in his office. Everything around you was placed precisely where you imagined he liked it. You couldn’t help but wonder when you walked in if the General had a touch of OCD. 

“That would be most unprofessional of you, [y/n]. We expect better from such an accomplished woman like yourself.” He told you stiffly. Finally, you nodded your head. 

“Do you know how much longer I will be here, then?” 

The General shook his head, looking back down at the paperwork on his desk. “I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to that. That is between you and Master Ren. Judging by the state of some of my equipment, I would say that it won’t be terribly soon.” 

“I apologize for inconveniencing you,” you nodded, looking down at your lap. “I will do my best with Master Ren.” 

“Thank you,” Hux nodded his head in appreciation, his bold red hair shining under the glow of his desk lamp. 

“Good day, General.” You stood up to leave, gathering what was left of your dignity. 

“Oh, [y/n]. I almost forgot to mention. We’ll be celebrating the completion of our new Starkiller Base superweapon this evening. Our men finished it a few hours ago. You are more than welcome to attend if you wish.” 

He ripped a corner of paper off his stack and wrote down the room number. 

“It’s a small celebration. Nothing extravagant.” He told you, holding the small piece of paper out for you to take. 

“Thank you,” you said quietly, looking down at the room number. “I will consider this.” 

“Of course. Good day, [y/n].”

“Good day, General.” 

* * * * * * * * * *

What am I doing here? You wondered irritably at yourself. You stood next to General Hux and Captain Phasma, watching them as they nursed their drinks lightly and conversed about something you were barely apart of. You felt detached from your surroundings as you thought of what your family might be doing at home right then. Was Papa making your favorite dish? Was Mama still in bed, staring at the ceiling above her? Was Ollith doing his homework? Was anyone helping him if he had a question?

You regretted so deeply coming here. You scowled at the thought of how at one point you had suspected it would be such a grand idea with the promise of more income. What a fool you were.

General Hux’s buoyant laughed earthed you suddenly. You looked over at him, watching him nudge his colleague in amusement. You had never seen him so loosened. It was probably the alcohol, you deduced. You could recall all the times he ate silently in the mess hall, reading the paper and reprimanding anyone who would speak to him on his dinner break. He was such a formal man. 

The Captain looked over at you, and you quickly nodded your head, forcing a weak smile at a joke you hadn’t even heard. You took a sip of your Lum, your eyes gazing over your glass as you looked around the room. Dozens of officers stood around, they too nursing drinks in their hands as they chatted loudly to one another. You wondered vaguely where Kylo was as you noticed his absence. Perhaps he had turned in early for the evening. You knew very well from your meetings with him that he wasn’t fond of social gathering such as this one. Neither were you, really but it beat sitting in your room feeling depressed.

“I’ll be back in a moment,” you told the Captain. She nodded her head, her kind features much different from the helmet she usually wore. You placed your drink down on the table in front of you and left to find a restroom. 

Once you had finished, you looked at yourself in the mirror and poked a loose hair back under your side swept bun. You slid a finger under your eyelid, wiping away dried mascara that had smudged. Finally, when you were satisfied you gave yourself a reassuring smile. 

“I’ll probably just leave after I finish my drink,” you tell your reflection. You knitted your eyebrows together as you flattened your uniform out, wondering why exactly you had even decided to come in the first place. Perhaps you thought Kylo would come and you would have someone to talk to other than the dry conversations that spewed from the Generals mouth. You pressed your lips together, pushing away thoughts of Ren. 

Why were you thinking of him so often lately? 

You left the restroom, closing the door quietly behind you. Your heels clicked underneath you and acidly remembered why you hated heels so much. They were so nois- 

There was a hand on your mouth, muffling your staggering shriek. Someone pulled you into an empty hallway from behind, their breath heaving in your ear. Your arms were flailing and you felt a rush of anxiety bubbling in your chest. 

“Shhhh...” you smelled the alcohol on their breath as they pushed you up against a wall and faced you. Your eyes grew large at the recognition of the officer who had nipped at your behind last week. The same one who had whistled at you like some sort of animal in the control room. 

“Well aren’t you beautiful tonight,” he smiled, his palm still pressed tightly against your mouth. You gave a small whimper, trying pushing him away. You felt something sharp near your abdomen and your eyes grew with panic.

“I just want to play,” a wicked smile played across his harsh features. Your eyes searched his face, not moving. You were stricken so deeply with fear you didn’t know what to do. You felt a panic shiver down your spine and acid rise up in your stomach. He lifted his hand and you saw the glint of a small pocket knife in his grip. 

You felt his calloused finger travel down your cheek, the blade dangerously close to your skin. You tried to move again but he shoved you up against the wall more. 

“C’mon, sweetheart,” he laughed, “just one kiss.” 

He lifted his hand from your mouth, the wretched smell of alcohol off his breath burning your nostrils. He tried to kiss you but you turned your head. He buried his head in your neck and you squeezed your eyes shut, unable to absorb your fear and run.

Before you could realize what was happening, the weight that was pushing up against you was off. There was a loud bang and you felt yourself jump, opening your eyes. You immediately noticed a large dent in the metal wall where the officer now sat, confused as he held his head from the damage of the impact. 

You stiffened when you realize what had happened. Ren stood a few feet away with his palm lifted. Seconds later, the officer flew into Ren’s grip, his polished boots lifting off the ground as he clenched the officers neck. You looked away, hearing the officer struggled to breathe, his fingers trying desperately to pry the leather ones from around his neck. You didn’t look up, but you heard one last sound of a body hitting metal. You opened your eyes, seeing the bloodied officer laying unconscious on the stone floor across from you. 

The impact of what just happened hit you and you sunk to the floor. 

Your hair was disheveled, and your make-up was now smeared as tears immediately began falling from your eyes. Your hand shook as you held your forehead, your face twisting into a fearful whimper. 

“Are you alright?” You had been crying too hard to realize the difference in his voice. It was only after had you realized he had taken his mask off to reveal his long, angular features. You felt arms around you and at first, you stiffened, not desiring any contact. But soon the realization that Ren was was holding you dawned on you and you felt your body relax, his arms enveloping you as your chest heaved with sobs. 

You felt his fingers touch your cheek and for a moment you suspected he was going to read your mind. You flinched when he pulled his hand back, his now bare fingers showing you blood and tears that had come from your cheek. You lifted your hand, feeling the small gash on your cheek as you hiccuped back another sob. 

Before you could protest, you felt your legs leave the ground and suddenly you realized you were being carried. You looked up at Ren, realizing how ridiculous you must look with a mixture of makeup and blood running down your cheek. How pathetic you must have looked, not being able to defend yourself. You couldn’t muster the energy to care. You felt weakened by your attack, fatigued by the unexpected whirlwind. You finally accepted what he was doing for you and leaned your head against his shoulder, closing your eyes and feeling the pounding of your heart in your chest. 

He didn’t say a word.

But even if it were just for a moment as he carried you to the medical wing, you felt safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys :( But I was planning this one from the beginning.  
> At least it was a nice long chapter to hold you guys over until I get everything situated with school and work. Thank you all so much for your support. It means so much to me! <3 More sooooon.


	9. Chapter Nine

Your feet hit the doorframe as Kylo carried you into the small medical chamber. You didn’t lift your head from his shoulder, but you immediately felt cold when he lowered you gingerly onto a stretcher. Behind you, a medical droid beeped as it woke up from its inactivity. This room was barely ever used, you could tell. You wondered vaguely what happened when Stormtroopers were injured. Perhaps they were just left for dead.

“Miss [y/l/n] has been injured,” Ren told the droid, his voice stern and dripping with authority. It sounded so much different without his helmet. “Please see to it that she gets the best care. I will be back momentarily to retrieve her.” 

As you looked up at him, noticing he wouldn’t look at you. Your eyes glazed over the small little moles that peppered his skin. His thick black hair reminiscent of the style of his helmet. You had never really thought about what he might look like under his helmet. You had always previously suspected him to be much older than you, but as he spoke to the droid you realized he couldn’t have been more than a few years your senior. You watched him replace his gloves, and before you could look at him anymore his helmet had returned to cover his face. 

“Of course, Master Ren,” the droid replied, its cold metal hand touching your face. The difference in temperature caused you to flinch. 

“My apologies, Miss [y/l/n],” the droid apologized. “I haven’t been active in quite awhile and it tends to be rather chilly in this sector.”  

Feeling dazed, you turned to look back at Ren only to realize he had disappeared. You hadn’t even heard him leave. You suddenly felt alone and rather frightened. You jumped as the droid placed a cool ice pack on the back of your head. 

“My technology tells me that you have a small laceration on your left cheek as well as a slight contusion on the back of your cranium. Do you feel anything else?” 

“No,” you told the droid quietly. You stared at the ceiling, counting the tiled above your head as you tried to push down the anxiety bubbling up in your chest. Your mind kept replaying the scene, each time dramatizing it more and more, the acid in your stomach rising as you closed your eyes. 

The droid washed your wound out and applied a small band-aid to your face. 

“Is there anything else you need, Miss [y/l/n]?” The droid asked you, his metal hands clasping together. 

“No, thank you. May I stay here until Master Ren returns?” 

The droid was silent for a moment. You wondered if it had the capacity to wonder why you wished to wait for such a terrible man with an infamous reputation.  

“Of course,” the droid replied, backing away on its little wheel. It wheeled itself back into the corner and remained silent. 

You didn’t know how long you laid there. It could have been an hour, or it could have been twenty minutes. You didn’t really know. You scolded yourself, reassuring your mind that you would be fine. You were a psychiatrist after all and you would be able to help yourself cope with the repercussions of what you had endured. Half of you tried to reason that what had happened wasn’t even that big of a deal. The other half of your mind was still in a bit of shock. 

Anger suddenly overcame you. You thought of how stupid you were, how you could have easily prevented this from happening. You were angry at yourself. You were angry at your family for being poor and having you be the one to gather the income for the family. You were angry for taking this position. You were angry about being here, on this godforsaken cold planet lightyears away from your home. You were just _angry._ Tears threatened to fall down your cheek as you clenched your fists, pounding at the stretcher beneath you. 

Suddenly, the door swung open of the small medical chamber and you jumped, sitting up in your bed. General Hux and Ren marched into the chamber in mid conversation, the General’s face pink with anger and probably a bit from the alcohol he had been downing so easily at the celebration. The ice pack on the back of your head slid off and fell down your back, causing ice water to dampen your uniform. You uncomfortably retrieved it, your hands shaking from the sudden loud noises that surrounded you. 

“[y/n],” Hux spoke, exasperated. “I would like to extend my sincerest apologies to you on behalf of the _disgraceful_ behavior of my men. Is there anything I can do for you?” 

You shook your head, leaning back on the stretcher. You almost laughed to yourself, thinking spitefully what anyone could possibly do to take that memory away from you. 

“Master Ren informed me of what happened. I do not know how to apologize enough, [y/n]. I have requested that a Stormtrooper accompanies you back to your quarters this evening. If you wish, one of my men could tag along with you during the remainder of your stay here. For your safety and peace of mind.” 

You sat up on the stretcher and swung your legs over the side, “I do not wish to have any of your men accompany me, General. Thank you for the offer.”

Hux stood there in silence, his face contorted in both embarrassment for the situation and anger. You looked up at Ren, his body shadowing Hux as he folded his hands behind his back. 

“If you don’t mind, General. I would appreciate it if Master Ren accompanied me back to my chambers.” You said as you looked down at your knees. 

Hux turned around, his eyebrows knitted together in surprise and a bit of disgust.

“I suppose that would be all right,” the General mused. “If that is what you wish.” 

“It is,” you insisted quietly, standing up. You wobbled a little on the spot, your knees feeling weak from your panic. The General grasped your arm to steady you and you remembered how Ren had done the same recently. You looked up passed the Generals concerned eyes and gazed over at Ren who stood quietly in the shadows. Why was he protecting you so much?

The General turned his head and traced your gaze. His face contorted in both distaste and curiosity. Finally, he let go and took a step back. 

“I appreciate your understanding, [y/n]. If you no longer need assistance here, Master Ren will accompany you back now. Although, I would like to point out that if you need some time off from your meetings, I would suggest doing so. Regretfully, you are the only therapist onboard, so if you are in need of counseling, you will not be able to get any here, I’m afraid.” 

“I am fine,” you told Hux, not looking at him. 

You could feel the General’s eyes on you, but you really didn’t care. You just wanted to get back to your room and forget this whole night. You stood up and walked next to Ren, and he stiffened under your gaze. You didn’t know how to feel about him anymore. He had saved you, but you couldn’t help but put his position and authority in between you. 

“Good night, [y/n], Ren,” the General spoke as he walked by you both swiftly. He seemed to be in a bit of a rush and you wondered if he was going back to the party or to do something else. 

“Are you alright?” Ren asked you, earthing your thoughts as you both watched the General walk down the hallway. 

“I am fine,” you lied. 

“I know when you are lying,” you heard him say. “I have been trained to know when people are lying to me.”

“What would you like me to say then, Master Ren?” you turned to him, your eyes narrowing in irritation. “I am not fine. I was just attacked by someone trying to - trying to probably rape me, in all actuality.” 

He shook his head and began to walk down the hallway. You followed closely behind him, folding your arms across your chest.

“Officer Burmu has been terminated and the General’s men have been spoken to. You should have no fear of this happening again,” Ren told you stiffly. 

“Terminated from his position?” 

“You could say that.”

You took in a deep breath in and exhaled trying to calm your nerves. A few beats of silence echoed between the both of you. The only sounds were of his boots and your heels as they tapped the stone floor loudly beneath you. 

“You should learn to meditate,” he told you suddenly. 

“Pardon?” you looked over at him, surprised.

“Mediation. You have heard of it, yes?” His voice was deeper now with his mask back on his face. He didn’t look over at you as he spoke but simply stared ahead, his feet briskly taking you both around a corner. 

“Of course,” you tell him. “I know how to meditate.” 

“You should try it again. I could teach you.” He told you stiffly. He didn’t make any effort for the invitation to sound welcoming. 

“I- thank you, but I am the one supposed to be helping you. Not the other way around.”

“You have helped me,” he replied. “I wish to help you until you return back to normal.”

“Excuse me, I am normal. I am fine.”

“I can sense your anxiety. It does not do well to lie to me, [y/n].”

You hesitated to speak, realizing you had probably never heard him speak your name before. Your eyebrows knitted together in the confusion of your emotions. You realized what you were thinking and quickly pushed it away. You turned your head to look at him, wondering if he sensed what you had felt. But his body language did not give away anything.

You finally reached your room and you pulled out your key from your pocket. 

“Good night,” he nodded his head in a rather curt manner as you opened the door to your room. 

“Master Ren,” you turned quickly as he began to leave. You realized you hadn’t even thanked him for saving you. “Thank you.” 

He turned to look at you but didn’t say anything. Once more, he nodded his head and slowly turned to walk away. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I have a distaste for sappy romance the older I get, so do not expect pet names, sappy romance, etc. I hope I am not “rushing” things… lol *casually remembers this is chapter nine and I have irrational thoughts*


	10. Chapter Ten

You stayed in your quarters during the next few days, leaving only to grab your portion of food that you ended up barely touching. Hux often sent notes with Stormtroopers, asking how you were doing. Most of the time you declined to respond.   
For the most part, you read your old textbooks, trying to distract yourself from what had happened by diving into your work instead. You wrote out a comprehensive diagram on your task as to why Ren was the way he was.   
You had already concluded that it was his past that was causing him to be so torn between his current work and the work his family did. On your second day cooped up in your room, you sent a note to Hux with a Stormtrooper requesting your own datapad. It wasn’t even a half hour later when a new one arrived at your door, pristine in a box.   
With your new datapad, you researched what you could find about the old war. You hadn’t even been thought of during this time in your parents eyes, but you thought of Papa and his work with the resistance. You tried to learn as much as you could about what Darth Vader had desired and what you knew to be the path Ren ultimately wanted to follow. You wrote things down in your notebook, connecting the dots and learning more about the man who had saved you.  
You sat at your small desk when you heard a knock on the door. Sighing, you stood up and shut off your datapad, suspecting it was a Stormtrooper with a note from the General again. You opened the door and a Stormtrooper shoved a note at you. You looked down, taking the note hesitantly.  
“From Kylo Ren,” he informed you. You nodded your head and thanked him, shutting the door as you unfolded the note.   
Room 232  
You stared at it, your eyebrows knitted together. Why was he sending you a note with his room number on it? You sat on the edge of your bunk, crumpling the note up in your fist. You wondered if he needed you for something. Maybe he was having an episode.   
It was your job to calm him and treat his anger. You changed out of your pajamas and dragged yourself down the hallway. You paused outside his door, listening silently for any noise within. Perhaps he wasn’t having an episode, and maybe this was a trick to get you out of your room. Irritably, you turned to leave, wondering why people couldn’t just leave you alone for a few days. You had gotten special permission from Hux to have a few days off.   
Behind you, the door to his room slid open and you turned around. You sighed to yourself and walked a few steps back, looking in the room to see no one nearby.   
“What a surprise to see you out of your room,” you heard Ren’s voice echo sarcastically in the room connected. You looked into his office where the two of you normally held your meetings. The two chairs where you normally inhabited were pushed out of the way, residing against a back wall. Your eyes adjusted to the darkness for a moment as you took a step forward.   
“I came here because I thought you needed me for something,“ you sneered into the darkness. "I didn’t come to be ridiculed for keeping to myself.” You walked a step closer to the other room, hearing the door slide shut behind you. As your eyes grew accustomed to the underlit room, your eyes finally settled on a figure sitting on his feet with their back turned to you.   
“What are you doing?” You asked him, the acid in your tone still present.   
“Meditating,” Ren answered simply. Your eyes squinted and you noticed his helmet sitting beside his knees, his head bowed. You had never really seen him so calm.   
“Why did you summon me?” You asked him as you crossed your arms, leaning against the door frame.   
“I wanted to show you how to meditate.”   
“How noble of you,“ you responded irritably. "Why didn’t you tell me during our sessions that this was a technique you used?”  
“I do not use it for relaxation, like those foolish Jedi’s,” Ren told you. “I use it for power. Meditation has been used for generations by Sith Lords to concentrate their anger, their fear, and their loathing into a pure point of power within them.”   
“Why do you feel you need to do this?” You asked him quietly.  
You could sense his hesitation, “General Hux’s men and I are landing in Jakku this evening. We have sufficient evidence to assume the map leading to Luke Skywalker is there.”   
You gazed at him through the darkness for a moment, unsure of how to respond to his statement. He looked up out the window and you watched as his silhouette was illuminated by the stars outside his window. You felt a twinge of appeal towards him but your thoughts were quickly overtaken by the mass hysteria of what would be Jakku later that evening.   
Hesitating, you walked up next to him and sat down.   
“Why are you doing this?” you asked him, sitting as he did in front of his window.   
He didn’t speak immediately, but stayed in one solid position, his eyes closed and eyebrow knitted into one. He was concentrating, you surmised.   
“The Light killed my Grandfather,” he told you, his voice echoing in the dark.  
“Your grandfather?” you hesitated, knowing who he was speaking of. “Darth Vader?”  
“Luke Skywalker killed my grandfather and his Master,” you stared at him under the illuminating stars, your face contorted with confusion. Somewhere in your memory, you could recall stories your father had once told you about Luke Skywalker and his bravery. Something told you what Ren was saying was untrue, but you couldn’t put your finger on it.   
“So this is where your desire to find him stems from?” You asked him, both of your voices just above a whisper. “You wish to avenge your grandfather’s death?”  
“My grandfather was a brave man. Bold when no other man during his time was. I idolize him deeply.”   
“I understand,” you tell him, feeling yourself sinking back into a counseling relationship with Ren. You didn’t understand, that much was obvious to yourself. How could you understand the depth of this man’s emotions sitting next to you? How could you understand why he chose Darth Vader to look up to over the other heroes that grew in his family? You stared at him in the dark still, your eyes drifting over his profile.   
“And your family?” he asked you, opening his eyes for the first time. “Why did your father chose to work for the Resistance when he could have had lived peacefully under my grandfather’s rule?”  
“I don’t think he wanted to be ruled,” you told him honestly, feeling the hesitation in your voice. “I think that is the point of the resistance.”  
You paused for a moment and looked away, “I think you still have light in you. The way you had saved me the other day. The ruthless Kylo Ren would never have done such a thing. He would have watched me be raped.”   
He was silent and for a moment, you were afraid he was going to become angry with you. You tensed as you heard the sounds of his leather gloves clenching under his grip. You glanced at his hands resting on his thighs out of the corner of your eye, watching his hands flex. Finally, he spread them flat on his pants, rubbing them against the fabric.   
“I’m sorry,” you apologize quickly. “I didn’t mean to upset you. ”  
He didn’t respond as you watched him close his eyes. It was almost like watching someone try to calm themselves from a panic attack. Was having someone mention his stance in the Force that much of a trigger for him? if you could see the air in the room, you would be able to trace how quickly it was pulling and receiving from his nose.   
“See, you can control your emotions,” you tell him with a tense smile. Quickly, he stood up and you could feel the connection you had with him push away. You turned to look at him as he hunched himself over his desk. His symptoms were suddenly mirroring those of anxiety.   
You stood up walking up beside him. You felt conflicted suddenly. You felt a different part of you other than your counseling side reaching for him. You stared at him as he shook his head, his anger fleetingly replaced with what looked like remorse and guilt. You felt sorry for him, you finally concluded. He was so conflicted. The light and the dark within him constantly tugging at his heart.   
“You should continue meditating,” you suggested to him quietly.You were trying to distract him, you realized. You considered that maybe he was anxious about this evening, the light in him telling him not to. The light in him reminding him that Luke Skywalker was his own blood relative.   
“Perhaps you could teach me like you suggested.” Your voice was almost quivering and you couldn’t tell why. After a few moments, his shoulders relax and the two of you retreated to the spots you had occupied on the floor moments before.   
He was stiff as he turned to you, his face somber and his eyebrows pointed up where they came together.   
“Turn to face me,” he instructed you, his voice placid. “And sit on your feet.”   
You followed his directions. He told you to close your eyes, and you did so. You felt a small laugh creep across your lips but you suppressed it.   
“You have to clear your thoughts,” his deep voice told you. “Concentrate on emptying your mind.”   
There were a few beats of silence between the two of you.  
“You’re not concentrating,” he spoke, his voice sounding irritated.   
“It’s rather hard for me right now,” you confessed.   
You stiffened as he moved closer to you.   
“What are you doing?” You asked, your voice betraying you with panic. You didn’t look at him, but you could feel how close he was to you. Was he reading your mind again? What was his hand doing so close to your face?   
“I’m helping you,” he drawled crossly.   
You kept your eyes closed and your head straight ahead, trying not to think about how terribly close to him you were. What were you doing? Why were you feeling like this?  
Suddenly, your mind became blank. You felt an overwhelming sense of tranquility wash over you as your mind traveled to a place so peaceful you wondered if you were even still awake. Your back was rigidly straight as sat on the floor of Ren’s room, drowning in this peace you had never felt before. Your breathing became shallow and your heart rate declined.   
“Master Ren!” You were jolted from trance, your head turning in the direction of the door behind you. Someone was pounding on the door to Ren’s room. But you weren’t really thinking about that right now. Ren’s hand was still lifted to hover over the back of your head but your face was now inches from his. He let out a slow breath as he too realized what had happened. Despite the darkness, you were positive he could feel the heat that radiated from your face as he lowered his hand hesitantly, letting it hover over your arm.   
“What is it?” He answered the man, his voice booming as his eyes searched your face. You had never been this close to him, you thought. You had never seen the way the freckles on his face danced across his nose or the specks of gold that glimmered in his deep hazel eyes. You felt an overwhelming urge to turn away, but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. The calm that you had felt moments before had quickly vanished as it replaced itself with an emotion you hadn’t felt in a very long time.   
You found yourself staring at his lips as they parted, his breathing shallow to match your own. His hand finally decided to rest itself on your arm, lightly dragging itself down to your elbow.  
“The ship is being prepared and will be ready momentarily.” You felt heat pooling between your legs. Was he leaning closer or were you? You stared at his mouth, unable to look away.   
A moment later, you felt your body exhale as his lips were on yours, and the grip he had on your elbow tightening with craving.   
“The General requests your presence there at once. He would like to go over the battle plan once more with you and the troops before take off.”   
You breathed out against his mouth, feeling the desire you had kept hidden away and pent up finally surfacing. He pressed his lips harder against yours, his hunger becoming apparent to you. You found yourself matching his desire and kissing him back, grasping his robe and pulling him closer. His other hand gripped your uniform at your waist, neither of you knowing what to do. Without much effort, he deepened your kiss with fervor.   
“Master Ren!” the voice boomed again from the other side of the door. You pulled away but his lips began kissing your cheek, your jaw and finally burying his face in your neck. You breathed out heavily, your other hand snaking up his neck as your fingers sifted through his thick black hair.   
A fist pounded on the door and Ren finally pulled away.   
“All right!” He bellowed, his gaze fixated on you. You didn’t know what to think or how to react. He pressed his lips against yours once more as if to keep a memory of what just happened in his mind for the rest of the evening. Finally, he stood up and grabbed his helmet. A moment later he was gone, leaving you paralyzed with desire and confusion on the floor of his room.


	11. Chapter 11

You were so confused. No, you weren’t confused, you were conflicted. Your emotions were being drawn in every direction. You sat at our small desk in your quarters with a blank sheet of paper in front of you. Your flowing handwriting drew out the address: “ _Papa,”._

What was there to say? What could you possibly say that could redeem you? You had probably waited too long to reply. You had more than likely waited too long to return home too. You looked down at the paper, the pen poised in your hand to write but no words flowed through it. After moments of silence with yourself, you pushed your chair back and stood up, getting dressed. 

You had done nothing but think about what had happened last night. Actually, that wasn’t true. You had thought about the feelings you were having and didn’t know how to explain them. You replayed the kiss in your head over and over again, touching your lips and thinking of the ghost of his lips that had rocked you to your core. You had never been kissed like that, you thought as you pulled your uniform on. You had never felt such desire course through you like it did when he pushed himself against you, gripping the fabric of your First Order uniform. 

But you also thought about your family. You were so attached to them that you almost felt like they were watching you, disapproving of what you had done. You felt guilty, but you couldn’t help what you were feeling. Apart of you wondered if it was more than just desire that was working at your emotions. You were beginning to feel more drawn to him. Not only because his emotions were your responsibility, but because you were getting to know him more and he was, quite frankly, the closest person you had on base. 

You wondered what had happened on Jakku last night after Ren had left you. You wondered if he had killed anyone. You felt sickened for a moment, wondering if he had thought of kissing you before he had killed a man. You tried not to think of these things. 

On your dresser was the piece of metal your father had given you. You picked it up and looked down at it. You couldn’t bring yourself to send it back to Papa. You wondered what they were doing, how they were getting along without any money coming in. Perhaps Papa had picked up an odd job, or maybe Ollith had found work in the village. 

You shoved the piece of metal in your pocket, its flat side easily concealing itself under the material. You hadn’t carried it with you in awhile. But you felt you needed to be connected to home today. You were unsure if you wanted what happened last night to happen again. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

You stood in the quiet hallway in front of Ren’s quarters, your folder of notes close to your chest. You weren’t sure of how today was going to go. You almost sent a note with a Stormtrooper to cancel your appointment but decided against it last minute. You had already missed too many days. 

As soon as the door opened, you came face to face with Ren. You looked up, his body towering over you as he hesitated to take a step further. 

“I’m sorry, were you going somewhere?” you asked, our voice almost coming across as timid as you took a step back. You could feel your face burning, the memory of last night flashing before you at the sight of his face. You noticed his helmet was tucked snuggly underneath his arm as he slipped his gloves back on his hands. 

“Supreme Leader Snoke wishes to see me,” Ren told you, his gaze transfixed over your head. He wouldn’t look at you, you noticed. You wondered if you should mention something. You stared at him, watching his eyes avoid you as you stood there in silence. 

“Should I return later for our meeting?” you asked, trying to compose yourself. Your ears were burning as your eyes drifted down his face, down to his neck that was cloaked tightly in black, and down to his chest where the dark material stretched across his muscles. You swallowed, and looked up at him. 

You probably could have easily chosen death when you noticed he was watching you look at him. You tried to compose yourself, but your face burned red in embarrassment. What was wrong with you? Why were you doing this? This was your patient. It would go against every rule in the book to become involved with your patient. You could hear your supervisors voice now, reprimanding you on how unprofessional this was.

Guilt swept through your emotions and you looked away. You thought of your family and what you sacrificed to come here. What would your family think of you if you became involved with a sith lord?

“No,” he told you after a moment, looking away. You were both staring at other things, neither looking at each other. “I think you should come with me to meet the Supreme Leader. Hux mentioned the idea previously and I agree with him.” 

You blinked, “If you think I should.” 

“I do,” he nodded, replacing his helmet. 

You followed him down the hallway, your legs trying to keep up with his long strides. You felt yourself becoming anxious, not knowing what to expect from this meeting. Who was this Leader? Maybe you could get a better idea of why Ren joined the dark side, you thought. Supreme Leader had been the one to seduce Kylo to join his cause, so perhaps meeting this man could shed some light on Ren’s past. 

The two of you didn’t speak as you strode down the hallway. His head was held high as you passed two Stormtroopers at attention, but yours was lowered as you thought of the possibilities of what the situation you were about to walk into held. 

You watched as Ren slid a large black door at the end of a hallway open. You gazed inside, its dark and ominous environment with the exception of a slit of light bringing a chill to your spine. A long runway rolled out from the door to the other side of the room, showcasing the spot that was illuminated by light. 

“Supreme Leader,” Kylo addressed, his body twisting into a deep bow. You watched him, your folder close to your chest as your eyes adjusted in the darkness.

A hologram suddenly appeared where the light illuminated the ground, revealing an otherworldly man ten times larger than the height of yourself. You felt your eyes grow wide as they rested on the figure before you. His face was disfigured with burns and his eyes were glistening dark orbs staring straight at you.

“Ren,” Snoke addressed, his head tipping towards him. His gaze centered itself on you and you felt yourself shrink back. “You brought a woman.” 

Ren turned to you, “this is the counselor you requested that I see.” 

His voice was full if distaste for the subject and you managed to suppress a hurtful frown. Snoke turned his blemished face towards you, his expression full of surprise. 

“I wasn’t expecting a woman,” Snoke told Ren honestly. You pursed your lips.

“Neither was I, Leader.” Ren shook his head. 

Snoke turned back to Ren, “I do hope you are accomplishing what I requested, Ren. I do not wish for you to become _distracted.”_

“My focus will not waver, Supreme Leader,” Ren spoke as he bowed his head. 

“Good,” Snoke sat back in his chair, his mangled fingers tightening their grip on the armrest. “Hux has informed me a resistance member was captured last night. The best pilot in their fleet.”

“He was fleeing in an x-wing when we arrived, sir. Our men captured him and I interrogated him when we arrived back on base. It came to my attention that a BB droid is in possession of the map leading to Luke Skywalker. A small fleet of troops will be invading Jakku again momentarily.” 

“Good, good.” Snoke purred, nodding his head in approval. “What will you do with the pilot?” 

“I wish to have your guidance on the matter, Supreme Leader,” Ren tipped his head. 

Snoke leaned forward, his mangled face causing you to look away. You could feel his eyes on you and you felt a chill crawl up your spine.

“ _Kill him,”_ Snoke ordered. 

“Of course,” Ren nodded. A moment later, the hologram flickered and disappeared leaving the two of you gazing at the empty space as the dark engulfed you again. You could feel Ren’s gaze on you as you stared at the ground where Snoke had sat moments before. You felt numb, completely out of your element here, you realized. You did not belong here.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Are you actually going to kill that pilot?” You asked Ren quietly, trailing behind his confident strut as you walked back to his quarters.

He did not answer you and you simply took his silence as a yes. You looked down, feeling your heels click on the marble below you. How many men had Kylo Ren killed, you wondered. The feelings you had been having this morning disappeared and you felt disgust towards him. 

“Are we going to have our meeting now or should I return to my quarters?” 

The door to his room slid open and he stepped in, quickly returning to his machinery that buzzed about. He lifted his head, watching the screen as the data passed over it. You felt a tinge of annoyance. Why was he ignoring you? Why was he being like this? You walked up next to him, leaning yourself against the wall so that you could see his face. The data on the screen reflected on silver of his mask, glowing as he pressed more buttons. There wasn’t much room between you and him, you realized. 

“How long are you going to ignore me?” you asked, acidity rising in your voice as you crossed your arms over your chest. “I would like to know what is distracting you so much that you can’t even answer my questions anymore.”

He turned to face you and you froze, pressing your back against the wall more. Your tone had touched a nerve, you realized. 

Suddenly his fist pounded against the wall next to your face and you flinched, closing your eyes. You heard the gears in his mask unlock and you opened your eyes to look over at him, his mask now in his hand. His eyes searched your face as you stared at him.

“What are you feeling, [y/n]?” He asked you, his voice just above a whisper. You stared at him, your wide eyes narrowing in suspicion. 

“Last night was a mistake,” you told him, trying desperately to grasp your confidence that kept slipping away. “We can’t do this. You’re my patient and I am your therapist.”

You pressed your lips together, breathing deeply. And you’re-”

“I’m what?” He leaned closer to you as he cut you off, his hand sliding up the wall. His voice was deep as his eyes narrowed, watching you.

Your eyebrows knitted together as you turned towards the door. His hand slid down, trapping you between him and the machinery that buzzed in your ears.

“I can’t do this,” you told him, staring at his shoulder. Anxiety began rising up in your chest, your memories reminiscent of what had happened a few days ago. 

You felt two gloved fingers on your chin, pulling your head to face him. 

“Neither can I,” he murmured, leaning closer. Moments passed that felt like centuries as you stared at him, your eyes flickering over the small moles that peppered his skin. 

“Please,” your words begged him, but you knew you really didn’t mean them. You remembered your family and how your betrayal towards them was growing deeper each day. You felt like you were even betraying yourself and your dignity. You felt disgusting. 

His grip on your chin tightened as he drew closer, his lips parting and his eyes transfixed on yours. You breathed out shakily, closing your eyes as you felt his lips hesitantly brush against yours. You needed this to stop. You couldn’t do this. This was _wrong._

_“_ Please,” you murmured against his lips. You realized this time as you spoke that your words weren’t in the form of a plea for him to stop. You felt his lips brush lightly against yours again, awakening your senses. 

You dropped your folder, papers sliding across the floor as you grabbed his robes, pushing his lips against yours hungrily. He dropped his helmet with a thud of metal hitting the ground as one of his hands slid behind your neck and the other to your waist. He kissed you back, groping at your uniform as you wrapped your arms around his neck, drawing him closer to you. 

You could have stopped, you thought. You probably should have stopped. But you couldn’t. His tongue brushed against yours, a low groan escaping from your throat. You felt his gloved fingers brush down your leg, pulling your knee up to his hip and pushing his hand further up your skirt. He gripped your thigh with the palm of his hand and kissed down your jaw, and into the crook of your neck. He let out a low groan against your shoulder, grasping your bottom with his other hand as the other held the back of your neck. Something clambered on the floor, but you didn’t bother to see what it was. You buried your face in his hair, never feeling such an awakening of your senses as you did then. 

There was a knock on the door and the both of you fell away from each other, blushing as you tried to straighten yourselves out. The door opened just as Ren turned around to put his helmet back on and you were pulling your skirt down. 

Hux stood in the doorway looking dumbstruck as he looked between the two of you. Flushed with embarrassment, you leaned down to pick up your papers as the General cleared his throat.

“I apologize for interrupting,” Hux spoke wearily, “but it has come to my attention that our prisoner has escaped. And one of our men has assisted him.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright y’all, I can sense that this isn’t some of my best work, so please find it in your trash-ridden hearts to forgive me. I enjoy writing this so much and I get so frustrated when I’m too tired to write but I gave it a whirl tonight anyway. I hope this hold you over for a few days. Thank you all so much and I really really really really always appreciate the feedback. Just shoot me a message or leave a comment. I love you all <3 Thank you so much for making my day every day with your comments. I check them constantly and I can't tell you how much of a confidence booster this fic has given me. Thank you thank you thank you!


	12. Chapter Twelve

“One of _your_ men assisted him.” Ren corrected, his voice dripping with acid. “FN-2187. I sensed his waning compliance in Jakku.” 

You looked down at Ren’s hand as he clenched it into a fist. You silently willed him to control his anger as you evened out your paperwork and stuffed it back into your folder. You looked over at Hux, his face twisted in disgust. 

“My men are exceptional soldiers. Instances such as this one have never transpired under my command _.”_

 _“_ There is a first for everything, isn’t there?” Ren spoke harshly. You could hear the grimace in his tone behind his mask. You swallowed hard and looked down at your feet. 

“Captain Phasma assessed FN-2187 last evening when the fleet returned. She concluded that he was on edge from his first battle. There were no signs of nonconformity.” 

“Obviously, that was not the case, General,” Ren commented with agitation, folding his hands at the small of his back. Hux stood a few feet away from the both of you, his features harsh with contempt as he pursed his lips. 

“My _apologies_ ,” Hux hissed. “Upon departure, they carried off with a TIE fighter. We believe they are heading back towards Jakku.”

“To find the droid,” Ren stiffened, his deep voice rigid. “Find them and retrieve the droid.”

“We have already sent a fleet to return to Jakku,” Hux nodded his head. His face was still pinched with anger. “I will inform you if any of the circumstances change.”

Ren did not thank him as the General turned on his heel and exited the room. You watched as he turned around to his machinery that now filled the quiet room with a low humming. His shoulders hunched as he leaned against the metal. 

Suddenly, his fist pounded into the controls and you watched as dozens of small sparks skidded across the floor to your feet. Silently, you walked over to him and placed a gentle hand on his arm, hesitating for a moment to see if he would strike again. He rolled his shoulder, a less hostile request for you to not touch him. 

He turned to walk away and you heard something hit his boot and skid across the floor, running itself into the opposite wall. You both looked down, your eyes landing on the piece of small scrap metal your father had given to you. Flustered, you quickly walked over and knelt down to retrieve it but his boot touched it before you did. 

“I’m sorry, this is mine,” you fussed, trying to take it from under the boots grasp. “It must have fallen from my pocket when-”

“What is it?” His deep voice asked you. You stared up at him, a piece of your bun falling in front of your eyes. You swallowed hard, taking your hand away from under his boot. He leaned down, picking up the small piece of metal between his gloved fingers.

“It was my father’s,” you told him, hoping he wouldn’t press you for more questions.

“Your father? The resistance fighter?” He asked, tilting his head to inspect it. 

“Yes,” you nodded your head and stood up, flattening your skirt with the palm of your hand.

“What is it?” He asked again, his voice more demanding.

“It’s a piece of metal,” you told him. “I just carry it around becau-” 

“What _is it_?” He took a step closer to you, pinning you between him and the wall the metal had ricochet off of. Why was he always doing this? Always pinning you against things to intimidate you? Hadn’t your relationship with him grown into something more than the intimidation game? 

“It’s a piece of the Death Star,” you told him, your voice just above a whisper as you looked down at the metal between his fingers. You stood there in silence for a moment, looking up at his mask and wondering what his reaction was behind it. 

“The Death Star,” he repeated, lowering his hand and gazing down at the scrap under his grip. He took a step back from you and walked quietly into his room. You felt your muscles relax for a moment as you leaned against the wall. Behind you, you heard the gears in Ren’s mask crank open as he took it off, followed by a pound that was him setting it down. 

“Where did you get this?” He asked you once you had turned to follow him.

“It was my father’s,” you told him again, hesitantly taking a seat across from him. His pitch-black hair fell in front of his face as he leaned on his knees, staring at it. 

“A resistance member,” Ren quietly spoke. You wondered if he was actually talking to you or himself. “A resistance member had a piece of the remnants of my Grandfathers greatest plan. Why do you have this?” 

He looked up at you, his eyes suddenly deep with scrutiny. He lifted it with is index finger and thumb, holding it in front of him as he gazed over at you.

“He gave it to me,” you told him. “When I went away to Academy.”

“What was his reasoning?”

“Why does it matter?”

“Because it matters to me how you think of this.” 

“How I think of it?” You repeated, confused for a moment. “What do you mean?”

He paused for a second, his features narrowing as he enveloped the metal in his palm. He hadn’t realized how large his hands were until that moment. 

“When I see something like this, I think of the power it took to build such a piece of machinery. I think of Vader and his desire to rule the galaxy. I think of authority and capability.” 

You pushed a piece of hair behind your ear, unsure of how to respond. 

“You think of it differently,” he told you. It wasn’t a question like his words before. It was a statement, something he knew for a fact. 

“Tell me,” He demanded softly. “What do you think of this?”

You hesitated, looking down at your folder in your lap. How had you gotten yourself into such a situation? What kind of a relationship were you creating with him? It was so complicated, you thought. So many pieces that had created a whole in just under a month. 

“It reminds me of home and where I came from.” 

“Where you came from,” he repeated. “Your planet? Or the descendant of  resistance scum?”

You bit your tongue. “Both,” you looked up, your voice defiant. 

Ren nodded his head and stood up swiftly. Your gaze followed him as he walked over to a small curtain on the opposite side of the room. In one motion, he pushed the dark fabric back and revealed a melted piece of distorted metal. You squinted your eyes and the realization dawned on you as you gripped the leather fabric of the chair. It was Darth Vaders mask, laying in pieces of scrap metal. 

You looked up at Ren, his back to you as he placed the piece of metal in with the others. A part of you was intrigued by the memorial he had set aside for his late grandfather. Another part of you was taken aback with his fixation. It took you a moment to realize it, but it seemed as though the metal pillowing the melted mask were scraps of the Death Star, much like the one your father had given you that now laid almost unnoticeable with the others. 

He walked back over to you and you opened your mouth to protest, wanting to ask him for your small possession back. 

“You are neither of those things anymore,” He told you, the bottom of his eyes twitching as they narrowed slightly. “They have wiped you from their memory. You should do the same.”

“I’m sorry?” you asked, standing up from your chair. He took a step closer to you. You tried to back away again, but he grabbed your arms under a tight grip and stared down at you. 

“Forget about them,” he stared down at you, his voice stern as his eyebrows knitted together. You searched his face in confusion, looking for any signs of what he meant. 

“They’re my family,” you returned softly. 

“They abandoned you. They are not your family anymore. Do just as I did.”

“How do you know this?” you asked incredulously. 

“I know much more than you think, [y/n].” His grip relaxed on your arms as you stared up at him. You shook your head as his eyes flickered down to your lips. Moments filled with silence beating between you. 

“What are we doing?” you asked him quietly. His lips hovered above yours and you leaned against him, not knowing why you always succumbed to him. He pressed his lips to yours, his hair forming curtains around your face. 

“This is wrong,” you reminded him against his lips, your nose brushing against his. You felt his fingers slide up your spine. 

“You keep saying that,” he murmured. “But you do not make an effort to stop.”

You sighed heavily and gripped his robe at his chest, your eyes still closed as you felt his lips brush against yours. 

“I guess your right,” you admitted quietly. You heard him groan in agreement and he pressed his lips to yours, gripping his robes as you breathed in heavily. He pulled at your uniform as he deepened your kiss, his desire growing more prominent. Quickly, he backed you up against a wall, his kiss becoming careless as he tried to undo the belt at your waist. You reached down and grasped his hand.

“Not yet,” you told him quietly. He lifted his head and gazed down at you with hooded eyes. You felt his hand leave your back and touch the side of your face. His leather thumb brushing the bandage on your cheek from the other day, reminding you of how he had saved you. Your eyes fluttered shut as you leaned your face against his hand. 

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered. Your eyes flung open in surprise, looking up at him. Who was the man that everyone on the Base quivered at the name of? Was it the same one that just called you beautiful? 

Slowly, he leaned down to kiss you once more, a shiver traveling over your skin as you finally felt your body relax. 

How cliche, you mused at the feeling . 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I really hope that wasn’t extra cheesy. I apologize if it was. I feel rusty because I haven’t written in like over a week. Let me know what you guys think.<3 Leave me a comment and let me know if you like the direction this is going in. I aim to pleaseee :)


	13. Chapter Thirteen

_You couldn’t breathe._

_You were up against a wall in the hallway of Starkiller Base. The metal of the wall was cold against your back as you realized you were practically naked, standing there alone in your undergarments. You closed your eyes. Suddenly, a bare hand was covering your mouth, plugging your nose with the side of their hand. Your limbs went rigid with fear and you couldn’t pull your lids open. No matter how hard you tried to pry them open, your eyes were sealed shut. You could only feel the hand that was covering your mouth, pushing up against the opening of your nose that was blocking your airways._

_You felt your body shift and you were suddenly parallel with the ground. The hand at your mouth was gone and two fingers slid up your face to your eyes, pushing your lids all the way open with two fingers._

_It was the officer who had assaulted you, except he was wearing a hood much like the one Ren wore. He smiled a toothy grin at you._

_“Hello, beautiful.” He cooed, his fingers brushing down your face._

_You closed your eyes. The world around you crumbled and suddenly you were somewhere else. You opened your mouth to scream but your voice was absent. You looked around and noticed you were in Kylo’s quarters, laying on the cold floor in between the two chairs where you normally sat with him.  
_

_You looked back and the officer was gone, replaced with Ren. His mask was off and he leaned down to touch his mouth with yours. His kiss was sensual and your muscles untangled themselves from the stress of seeing your attacker. He broke your kiss and looked down at you, dark eye meeting with yours as his hair hung around his face in a frame._

_You smiled at him, reaching up to touch his face. He stopped you, swatting your wrist away with the back of his hand. Your eyebrows knitted together as his face darkened, anger rising up in his cheeks. Without warning, your mouth was being pried open with his hand, a piece of black cloth being shoved in._

_You were choking on the black mass of fabric, clawing at your neck with your eyes closed tight. Tears streamed down your cheeks as you sat up, holding your neck as you tried to gasp for a breath._

_“You deserve this!” you opened your eyes and Ren was gone, replaced with your father. Your mother stood behind him, weeping into her handkerchief._

_“You abandoned us to work for the enemy! You are no daughter of mine!”_

_You reached out to him, his harsh words ringing in your ears. You hand that was stretched out before you began turning the color of ash. You fingertips turning into charcoal, crumbling away you gazed at your father._

_The world around you disintegrated again and you finally felt your airway open. You gasped loudly, trying to fill your lungs with air as quickly as possible. You fell to your knees in the snow, three tombstones appearing before you._

_The smallest one with Ollith’s name etched in the stone._

You gasped loudly, sitting up in bed as you grasped your chest in fear. You felt your body trembling as you looked around, trying to recognize your surroundings. You swallowed hard, relishing in the feeling of your throat being clear. Your breathing shuddered as you wrapped your arms around your legs. 

Tears began streaming down your cheeks before you could stop them. The realization of the dream bubbled up in your chest in the form of a sob as you buried your head in your knees. 

You were just so tired. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“How has your anger been as of late?” you asked Ren tediously, your pen scratching the date in the corner of your notebook.

“Fine,” He responded, his eyebrows perpetually knitted together as he stared at the ground adjacent from him. 

“You seem distracted today,” you pointed out. 

He shook his head stiffly, his bottom lip curling as he bit into it in thought. Moments passed between the two of you, the humming of the machinery in the other room buzzing in your ears. You were so agitated with hearing that noise over and over again each day, the low hum that was constant throughout the whole base. 

“Ren,” you began softly, avoiding his eyes. “I still have my job to do, despite the fact that you don’t want to participate anymore.” 

He didn’t speak. It was strange to have a meeting with him where his mask was off, sitting nearby as if watching the two of you. It was strange to have a counseling session with someone you had kissed so passionately the day before that it kept you distracted for days go come. You shook your thoughts away. 

You lifted your eyebrows in irritation as he continued to ignore you. 

“We have to remain professional during these meetings,” you reminded him. “Hux has asked me to hand in my notes every week.” 

He still did not respond as you tapped the base of your pen against your pad. 

“So, tell me. When did you meet Snoke?” you changed the subject suddenly, grabbing his attention as he looked over at you in surprise. 

He looked away, “I was young. Maybe 12 years of age or so.”

You nodded your head, making sure to note your thoughts in ways that were in compliance with the Orders beliefs. 12 years old? So young to be influenced by such a dark force. 

“And what were you doing at that time?”

He leaned back in his chair, his leg stretching out in front of you as he considered the question.

“I was working with my father.”

“Han Solo?”

He closed his eyes and a slight cringe danced across his features.

“I’m sorry,” you offered. 

More silence.

“I heard voices when I was young,” He murmured to you. “I would wake up drenched in my own sweat from the nightmares I would have.”

“Nightmares?” you asked as your pen scribbled notes. You pushed thoughts of your nightmare this morning away. “Of what sorts?”

He paused, “Losing control. Not being able to show dominance to this force that I was feeling at such a young age. Not living up to the _power_ of the elders around me.”

“What else?”

He paused, “my father - ... He didn’t believe in the capabilities of the _Force_. And my mother, she understood but she had not experienced it like I had. I had no one.”

“What of your uncle? Luke?” You offered, already knowing the answer.

Ren scoffed, readjusting himself in his chair. “I’ve already told you this. He was weak. He never taught me the useful traits of the Force - only the foolish ones. I needed a proper teacher.”

You nodded your head, “And so this is where your meeting with Leader Snoke came about?” 

Ren stood up and walked over to the window, folding his hands behind him. He paused for a long second as if trying to get in tune with his old feelings. 

“Snoke had already known so much about me when I met him. He saw my potential. He knew of my parents, and what ‘ _legends’_ they were. He was the first to shone a light on what they really thought of me, both of them jealous of the capabilities of my power.”

“Interesting,” you offered, making bullet points of his thoughts. 

“My mother thought of me as dangerous and unstable- the precise reason she shipped me off. Instead of nurturing me and teaching me how to use my abilities, she ordered me to seek the teachings of her spineless brother. The imprudent man who left behind the galaxy for his own hedonism.” 

You nodded your head in his direction. 

“Your distaste for your parents come from ideas Snoke told you?” you asked, watching the muscles in his back flex as he laced his fingers together. You fidgeted in your seat, remembering your kiss momentarily. 

“Why do you always question him?” Ren asked you, looking over his shoulder in disapproval.

“I am just countering your thoughts,” you responded lucidly, looking down at your notes with interest. A few moments passed in silence.

Suddenly, you felt him standing next to you and you tensed, noticing his close proximity out of the corner of your eye. You turned your head and looked up at him, your lips pouting as you tried to retain your professional demeanor. He squatted down, resting his elbows on his thighs as his eyes narrowed in your direction. 

“How long are you going to ignore your emotions?” He asked you quietly. 

“I’m not ignoring anything,” you replied, your voice betraying you with defensiveness.

“You feel alone.”

“Please, do not redirect our meetings so that we don’t have to talk about you.” 

Ren lifted his chin, staring down at you through hooded eyes. You could feel you heart quicken under his gaze. 

“You are trying so vigorously to keep your feelings to yourself,” his bottom eyelids twitched as he spoke. 

“Master Ren,” you began, closing your eyes as you tried to compose yourself. “I am trying to lead a professional example for myself here as your counselor.”

“Such forbidden desires are what drew me to where I am,” Ren mused, his eyes traveling down your neck. You drew in a heavy breath and closed your notebook. 

“I think that is enough for today,” you swallowed, turning away as you stood up. You heard the creaking of the leather in Ren’s uniform as he stood up behind you, grasping your arm. 

“Stop resisting the desires within you... You could have anything you wanted if you just let go of your fears,” his voice hummed in your ear. You breathed in a shaky breath as you felt the weight of his body press against your back. His hands squeezed your shoulders as the touch of his nose nuzzling against the skin behind your ear sent a shiver careening up your spine. 

His hand traveled down to your waist, his leather bound hands fingering the belt at your waist. Slowly, it slid up your stomach, hesitating at each button on your uniform. 

“I _can’t_ ,” your voice came out in a whimper as his lips swept against the skin of your neck. 

“Why not?” His voice sounding husky behind you. You could feel the heat radiating from his chest through your uniform, the desire between your legs building as you took in a shaky breath.

“Tomorrow.” The words came out of your mouth suddenly before you realized it. He breathed in heavily behind you as you closed your eyes. 

“I’ll come by tomorrow night,” you breathed. “When the base is mostly asleep and there is no chance of being caught.” 

You could hear him swallow hard behind you as he nodded his head against yours in agreement. 

You hesitated for a moment, reveling in the blend of his form against yours. Quickly before you changed your mind, you gathered your belongings and left the room, immediately missing how you had felt moments before. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I feel like this might be one of my favorite chapters so far. I hope this redeems me for the last hastily written chapter lol Let me know what you think! I love you all so much <3


	14. Chapter Fourteen

You stood in the small cramped bathroom in you quarters, inspecting your body in front of the tiny mirror with scrutiny. Small markings you had never noticed on your skin making you feel self-conscious of yourself. Slowly, you traced a finger down the center of your chest, feeling the soft skin as you reached your belly button. You had never really looked at yourself the way you were now.

How long had it been? you wondered with a frown. When was the last time you had been with a man? You were still currently young, but it had been years since you felt a man the way you were going to tonight. You swallowed hard, considering your situation. 

Your last boyfriend was over 7 years ago when your father hired two village boys to help fix up your home one season. It wasn’t real love. Something like that didn’t occur at such a young age. The two of you had just been curious about each other. 

You cringed at the memories. 

So what was it like to really sleep with a man? Was this going to be a mistake like the last time? Would you regret it in years to come? 

The feelings you were acquiring for Ren floored you. You couldn’t understand why you felt like this towards him. Hadn’t you been disgusted with him just a few weeks previous? But the way he had saved you and cared for you that night. The way he kissed you so passionately that it made you forget of every moral that was ever instilled upon you. He made an effort not to conceal his emotions from you, but you couldn’t help but think he might feel the same. 

You considered your suitcase for a moment as you walked into your room. On top was your uniform that was washed almost daily. Tucked neatly underneath were your civilian clothes, the fabrics you remembered so fondly from less confusing days. Instead of reaching for your usual uniform, you grabbed your civilian clothes and pulled them over your head. 

You returned to the bathroom, flattening out your blouse with the palms of your hands. You blinked at yourself, wondering how you had gotten to this situation. What would those back home think of you? How had you gone from counseling troubled individuals to consciously making the decision to sleep to sleep with one? 

How had you so quickly adopted feelings for him without even realizing it?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

You stepped out of your quarters and quietly slid the door closed behind you. The lights in the hallway were dimmed to signal the curfew that was instated after eleven o’clock. You left your hair down, its waves falling gently in front of your face as you bent down to remove your heels. You wanted to make the least amount of noise possible. 

What if General Hux caught you heading in the direction of Ren’s room in civilian clothes? What would he say? What would they do? 

Carefully, you raped your knuckles against the metal door, hesitating one last time as you thought about turning back. The door slid open almost instantaneously and you took a step in, feeling your heart hammering against your ribcage. 

“Master Ren?” you called out into the dark, noticing the silence that filled the room. You looked over at the machinery from where you stood, noting the significant lack of hum that normally graced your ears upon entrance. As your eyes adjusted to the dimly lit room, you noticed the technology that surrounded you wasn’t just switched off, it was mostly destroyed. You walked over to the machinery and traced a finger over a gaping slice that traveled across metal. 

“Master Ren?” you turned to walk into his quarters, noticing things there were out of place. 

“Please, do not call me that anymore.” You flinched at the sudden sound of his voice as it pierced through the quiet room. You turned your head and your eyes finally landed on Ren as he sat in a chair across from his grandfather’s archaic helmet. 

“My apologies,” you cocked your eyebrow in curiosity. “I assumed that was-”

“That is not what I preferred to be called, no. You should know better by now,” He replied, his voice absent of any emotion. He didn’t look at you as he sat hunched over in the dark, his elbows resting on the tops of his knees. 

“Is everything alright?” you asked hesitantly, your anxious demeanor flittering away, replacing itself with concern for the dark ruler. He didn’t respond to you as you stared at his back, the material of his uniform stretching tightly over his shoulders. 

“What happened?” your voice was quiet, unsure of how to approach this situation. This was not at all what you had expected to come across when you walked through his door. You walked over to him and knelt down, placing a gentle hand on his knee. Finally, he looked over at you. Almost immediately, you noticed the deepened purplish bags that had formed overnight under his eyes. 

“What happened?” you repeated softly, your eyebrows peaking in concern. 

“I do not wish to talk about it,” he told you, looking away. “You came here for something much different. Not to listen to my problems as we usually do.” 

“I don’t mind,” you offered with a small encouraging smile. “I am here to-”

Abruptly, he stood up and closed the curtain which concealed Darth Vader’s mask. You frowned, your hand falling back to your side as you watched him walk to the other side of the room. You sighed heavily and stood up, unsure of how to tackle this obstacle. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed a door that was partially slid open. You paused, your heart jumping into your throat as you realized it was his bedroom, the black sheets pulled over the mattress tightly with precision. 

“Perhaps I should come back another night,” you offered quietly, prying your eyes off the sight of his bedroom. 

He turned and looked over at you, his expression desolate. You could feel your body almost pause completely as you realized the raw emotion that was radiating from him. You had never seen such a response from him, with the exception of the occasional rage you had missed out on tonight. Your eyebrows fell in unsettlement. 

Quietly, you walked over to your usual chair and seated yourself, motioning for him to join you. Silently and almost reluctantly, he joined you, pushing his hair from his eyes. 

“Tell me what happened,” you leaned forward, crossing your legs as you folded your hands at your knees. You thought again how this was anything but what you expected to come across this evening. You almost felt a twinge of disappointment, but mostly relief. Perhaps you just weren’t ready for that next step yet. 

Ren paused, lifting his chin as his eyebrows knitted themselves together. 

“I feel it,” he sneered, his voice betraying his facial expression with sadness. “I feel the pull towards the light.” 

You blinked at him, frowning at his struggle for words. 

“I wish to rid myself of this pain I am feeling. Of the constant struggle each day with myself.” 

You had never seen this side of Kylo, you realized. You had never seen emotion overcome him in such a way where he was almost at a loss for words. You didn’t know how to react, but you felt your chest pull in empathy. You never believed you would reach this point in your counseling relationship with him. You never thought he would open up to you like this. 

“If I may ask, what triggered these feelings tonight?” 

He paused, looking down at your crossed knees. “Supreme Leader enlightened me of the location of the BB droid we are seeking.” 

“The one carrying the map to Luke Skywalker? But hadn’t General Hux sent men to Jakku yesterday to retrieve it?” 

Ren nodded his head, a small scowl crossing his features. “The droid escaped with the help of a turncoat and a mere scavenger.”

“How unfortunate,” you sympathize, leaning back in your chair. Internally, you paused, realizing you were showing compassion for the dark side’s troubles. 

A few moments passed before Ren spoke again, “the droid is aboard the Millenium Falcon with my father.” 

You closed your eyes for a moment, the impact of his words resonating with you. You looked over at him, the illuminance from the stars showcased in his window outlining his profile in the dark. 

“I’m sure this is an obstacle you can overcome easily,” you began softly. “You have already defeated so many other demons, this small obstacle should be easy for you.” 

You paused, your fingers playing with the material of your skirt. He knew you were lying. You hesitated, considering your thoughts. 

“From a personal point of view,” you began quietly, “I understand the feelings you’re experiencing.” 

Your eyes flickered up to him as he continued to stare at your hands. 

“You’re conflicted between your past and where you are now. You have a duty to fulfill, but you can’t help but feel the resonating guilt of what you abandoned to get where you are.” You paused for a moment, watching him as his eyes shut while listening. “You have desires that go against every rule you were ever taught. You’re constantly being haunted by the words of those pulling and pushing you.” 

He nodded his head, his gaze meeting with yours. You heart panged in your chest.

“Speaking to you as your … friend, I suppose rather than your counselor,” you continued softly, “I understand the struggle you are facing. I too am facing a similar situation.” 

Ren stared at you, his eyelids softly blinking as he considered your words. You felt naked after sharing that. You knew you had crossed a path where there was no going back. You had broken one of the most important rules of being a counselor: no self-disclosure. Then again, you had already broken so many rules before with Ren, what was one more? 

“You are right,” Ren began softly. He considered you for a moment, the both of you staring at one another through the dark room. A small smile trickled across your lips as you tried to change the awkward silence into something else. 

“Tell me about your home,” Ren asked suddenly, leaning back in his chair. You cocked your head to the side in surprise, your lips turning into a small smile. He wanted to get to know you, you realized. 

“Well,” you began with a smile. You watched as Kylo’s lips curved into a petite smirk and you realized you never noticed how handsome he was when he smiled. Not that that was often, you mused. 

“I grew up on Lothel, which is a rather remote farm planet in the Northern sector.” 

You didn’t know how long you sat and conversed with Kylo Ren, but time had begun to have creep into the early morning hours when you felt yourself dozing off in your seat. He too sat opposite of you, head bobbing in his chair as he held his forehead with exhaust.

The light from the stars were much dimmer when you opened your eyes hours later, the feeling of your body being moved rousing you. You groggily moaned in protest, not realizing Ren was picking you up from your chair in his arms. Once you realized what was happening, you smiled in confusion and closed your eyes, resting your head on his shoulder as he carried you into his bedroom, gently placing you on his bed. How strange, you mulled weakly. This man who was so widely feared had just carried you in his arms like a small child. 

Dazed with sleep, you rubbed your eyes as he rested himself down next to you, removing his gloves and kicking his boots off with fatigued haste. 

You rested your head on the charcoal toned pillow, turning to look at him as you smiled softly in his direction. Blinking back sleep, he looked over at you too, his normally hardened expression soft with content. 

Hesitating for a moment, you slid over the sheets closer to him and grasped his arm. You could feel his body stiffen in surprise under you before his muscles relaxed, his fingers slowly intertwining with yours. 

“Thank you,” he mumbled quietly to you. By his tone, you could tell that his gratitude was not something he expressed often. You didn’t respond to him, you simply just nodded your head as you felt yourself fall back into a content slumber. You thought to yourself groggily how might have just been a small step above what you had expected this evening. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’m sORRy! I would like to formally apologize to all those sexually frustrated individuals who are waiting patiently for that “scene”. Don’t fret, my Kylo-trash friends, it is coming! <3 I promise you. I just really wanted their relationship to grow a little bit more. Have some morals, people lol 
> 
> That being said, please let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is always welcome. I appreciate it so much and it helps me a lot! I also would like to know if I'm veering too far from canon-Kylo, you know? Like I get it's a fanfic, but I want it to be "realistic". 
> 
> Thank you for reading c: <3


	15. Chapter Fifteen

When your eyes fluttered open just a few hours later, you had temporarily forgotten where you were. Once you remembered, you turned your head to look at Ren. You frowned when you realized he was gone, the space next cold compared to the way it had been hours before.

Reminiscently, you brushed your hand across the sheets where he had slept next to you. You wondered silently to yourself what he had thought about quietly sleeping next to you after a long night of conversing. A small smile flittered across your lips as you remembered how it felt to just talk comfortably with someone for the first time since you had arrived here.

You stood up a few moments later from Ren’s bed and stretched your arms, pushing away the fatigue that was trying desperately to keep you laying there You looked down at your wristwatch, anxiety suddenly hitting you. It was almost noon, you realized as you bit your lip. Quickly, you groping through the dark for the door that had been left closed. Once you opened it, you looked around his office, you eyes landing on the two empty chairs where the two of you had sat last night. Ren was nowhere around and you found yourself frowning as you gazed at the wide empty space.

Where ever he was, he was probably busy, you thought as you made your way down the hallway to your room. You hadn’t thought this plan through, you reflected with regret, hoping no one would notice you wandering about without your uniform on. You still felt wary when walking through the hallways of Starkiller base alone as you thought about your attack a few weeks prior.

“Excuse me,” you nearly jumped out of your skin when you felt a cold, metal tap on your shoulder. You swiveled around, coming face to face with a Stormtrooper before he shoved a letter towards you. You looked down, taking the thin paper in your hand with a frown. 

“Mail for you, Miss.” The stormtrooper rumbled, obviously bothered by his duty. “And the General would also like to see you as soon as possible.”

You looked up at the stormtrooper, feeling your heart sink into your stomach. What could the General want to speak with you about, you wondered. You had already given him your notes on Ren for the week.

“Do you know what for?” you asked the masked trooper hesitantly. 

“Negative,” he shook his head. “Please follow me.”

“I know my way, thank you.” you told him quickly, wanting to change your clothes before meeting with the General.

“The General was pressing that you arrive at his quarters before noon.” You looked down at your watch, realizing it was ten of twelve. You felt your stomach growl almost on cue. Reluctantly, you nodded your head and began following the trooper, putting the letter in your mouth as you swept your hair up into its usual style. As you walked, you slid your finger in the envelope and opened it in one fluid motion.

“Oh,” you whispered to yourself with a frown as two of your paychecks fell into the palm of your hand. 

_Keep them. - Papa_

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“I would like to speak to you about something, [y/n].” The General spoke softly as he sat behind his desk, his datapad propped neatly in front of him. Your ears were already ringing from the disappointment of the letter you’d received. Two checks sat in your lap as you crumpled up the paper in the palm of your hand.

“Of course,” you replied as you looked down at the paychecks in your lap.

“It has come to my attention that you resided most of last night in Master Ren’s quarters. Is this true?” 

You looked up quickly, your face beginning to burn as you tried to sputter out an explanation.

“Seeing as you are not properly dressed this morning, or should I say afternoon, I would assume the rumor is correct.” Hux glanced up at you from behind his eyebrows, one of them cocked precariously as he waited for your response.

“We were talking,” you explained, your voice sounding timid. 

“Talking?” Hux cut you off, looking up at you completely as he practically bit back a laugh. “Kylo Ren does not just sit and _talk,_ Miss [y/n]. I would appreciate it if you did not lie to me.”

“I am not lying to you, General. I would not do that.”

Hux stared at you as he blinked, his eyes narrowing with doubt. Finally, he looked down at his paperwork, grabbing a pen as he began to sign something quickly.

“This is a write-up,” He told you as he slid the paper across to you. “Per Supreme Leader Snoke’s request.”

“Supreme Leader?” you queried as you stared at the paper. Hux slid a pen across his desk to you.

“Supreme Leader caught wind of the rumor and requested that I reprimand you properly. I suggested a more civilized approach, this write-up. He has already emphasized to both you and Ren, I heard, that he does not want Ren to become distracted from his works.”

“I would not do that, sir. I apologize for my behavior.” Your voice hung in the air as Hux nodded his head. Quietly, you reached for the pen and signed the write-up with a frown.

“See to it that this does not happen again, Miss [y/l/n].” Hux did not look at you as he grasped the paper out of your hand and slipped it into a drawer. He had never addressed you by your last name, you realized with a small bit of sadness. 

“Good day, General,” you bid as you stood up from your seat. 

“Yes, Good day.”

The General’s voice sounded as though it were underwater as you listened to him though fogged ears. A cold sweat suddenly broke out across the back of your neck as you grasped the leather bound chair you’d just stood up from. Behind you, you heard Hux distantly ask you if you were alright while you tried to steady yourself, your vision becoming blurred and tunneled.

“[y/n]?” you barely heard Hux say as his chair slid across the floor as he stood. 

You tried to say something, but nothing came out as your ears began to ring. You swallowed hard and everything went black.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“She’s coming too,” you heard someone say. Your ears were ringing so loudly that it sounded as though someone was trying to tune a radio in your ears. Nausea swept through your system as you swallowed hard and opened your eyes. 

You were laying in Hux’s office on the ground, a pillow propped hastily under your head. A stormtrooper hovered above you as Hux stood in the background, his gaze somewhere between his usual disgust and concern as he folded his hands behind him.

“I’m going to vomit,” you sat up quickly as the stormtrooper back away, practically throwing the trash can in your direction. You hadn’t eaten since 4 o’clock last night you realized as you dry heaved in the metal can. You swallowed, sweat dripping down the back of your neck. 

The door behind you slid open and another stormtrooper trotted in, the same medical droid from your last visit in their wake.

“Ah, Miss [y/l/n], we meet again. You’ve been my patient more than I’ve seen most on this base,” the medical droid jested as it hovered its hand above you. You still felt lightheaded as you rested your head on the trashcan. 

“It seems to me your blood pressure has dropped dramatically, causing a Vasovagal syncope episode. Has this happened to you before?” the droid asked.

“I haven’t eaten since last night,” you said as you closed your eyes.

Behind you, the door slid open again.

“What is going on?” Ren’s recognizable deep voice rang in your ears. 

“It seems to be your counselor has fainted,” Hux replied with contempt. 

“Why? What happened?” He asked, his voice booming behind his mask.

“She informed us that she has not _eaten_ since last evening’s meal,” Hux informed Ren, his voice sounding as though he were dissatisfied with a child. 

“Perhaps some chocolate will bring her blood sugar back to normal readings,” the medical droid suggested. 

“I don’t have any such thing in my office,” Hux responded bitterly. You felt as though you were burdening him with your ailment. Instead of being concerned for your well being, he was dissatisfied with the situation taking him away from his work. 

You felt yourself becoming dizzy again and you laid yourself back down on the ground.

“I will take care of this,” you heard Ren’s voice echo in your ears, your body swiftly being lifted off the ground and into his arms again. You were too dizzy and much too nauseous to pay attention to your surroundings. You heard Hux scoff as Ren turned to leave the room.

“I do not think that -” you heard the droid’s mechanical voice escalate before the door shut behind the two of you. Ren’s boots pounded on the ground as he brought you down the hallway and into his quarters. The room around you was felt as though it were spinning as you closed your eyes. 

“Why didn’t you _eat_?” he nearly spat at you, his voice cracking, revealing panic in his tone. You felt your body being placed on a soft surface, what you imagined being his bed. You kept your eyes closed, but listened as the cranks in his mask opened as he discarded his helmet. You heard his footsteps leave the room as you tried to shut your eyes more, feeling the bed spinning underneath you. 

“I was nervous,” you responded wearily. 

“About _what?”_ you heard him practically bellow from the other room. He was angry with you. You were angry with yourself for being so foolish. You lifted your hand to your forehead, feeling the sweat and heat emulating from your skin. 

“Last night,” you explained quietly. “I was nervous about last night.” 

Ren didn’t reply as you heard him shuffling around in the other room. You tried to think of something else to get your mind off the world around you spinning, but nothing worked. Your stomach churned with nausea. Finally, you heard Ren’s boots returning into the room, pounding against the ground as he made his way over to you.

“ _Eat,”_ He emphasized, pushing your hair out of your face with attempted gentleness. You opened your eyes, your gaze landing on his hand as he held a small dish of food in front of you, its contents slowly morphing into some type of bread.

“Emergency food portions,” Ren explained in his deep voice, “it is all I have until the kitchen decided to cook another unpalatable meal.” 

You attempted to sit up, leaning against the wall behind Ren’s bed. You felt yourself become dizzy again as you closed your eyes and tried your best to eat the bread before you gagged on your nausea. Within minutes, the thin line of sweat that had been flooding your body seemed to evaporate into your skin. You breathed out steadily, opening your eyes completely for the first time since you had fainted.

“How do you feel?” Ren asked after a few moments passed. You could tell by his tone that he was unsure of how he felt or even how to react. He wanted to sound concerned, but you were sure he was purposely altering his voice to sound as it normally would.

You took in a deep breath, nodding your head. “Better. Thank you.”

Ren nodded his head, looking away, “Do not do that again.”

It wasn’t a request, it was more of a command.

“I’m sorry,” you apologized quietly. You felt embarrassed. You looked down at your lap and gasped, remembering papa’s letter.

“My paychecks! They’re in Hux’s office.” 

“I’ll get them later,” Ren replied, looking away from you as he held a gentle hand in the air. “Just rest.”

“I feel fine now,” you tried to stand up, but Ren grasped your hand and pulled you back down. 

“I said _rest.”_ Despite his words, his tone remained gentle. Slowly, you sat back down next to him and searched his face. 

“Why are you doing this?” you asked him. 

He turned his head to look at you, his harsh features suddenly soft. His eyebrows knitted together as tried to find the words.

“I don’t know,” he swallowed, his voice sounding genuine. You were unsure as to what you should say in return.

“I’m confused,” he finally answered. He turned to look at you. “I can’t remember the last time I felt the desire to care for someone.”

You nodded your head, still at a loss for words as you watched him avoid your eyes.

“When I look at you, I feel- _different_. I feel this forceful pull towards you. Like nothing I’ve ever felt before.” He paused, “I sense Supreme Leader’s discontent with me. He is aware of my _distraction_. That’s what you are to me. A distraction.” 

“A distraction?” you knitted your eyebrows together, confused and flattered by his words. You sat there and pondered his words for a moment, your eyes dancing over his profile in the solaced dark. You were a distraction for him. It wasn’t meant to be a degrading compliment, it was his way of telling you that he cared for you. That you were something that took away his pain.

“Yes,” he tilted his head in a curt nod, turning to you. He didn’t elaborate, but simply just stared at you, his deep hooded eyes flickering over your features. A moment later, he leaned in towards you and your mouth met his in a soft kiss. You could feel warm lips against yours as you reached up and touched his face for the first time. His normally hardened, lust filled kisses were tender and slow, filled with hesitating pauses as if he were trying to form a mental image of your mouth upon his.

Carefully, you brushed your fingers along his closely shaven chin, small prickles of stubble teasing your skin in places where he had missed. He gave you a small push against your lips and you found yourself leaning back, your shoulders gently resting on the blankets beneath you. His lips pulled away and he looked down at you, his arms on either side of your head as his unwavering gaze met with yours. You smiled dotingly at him, letting your fingers fall down his neck and grasping his robes into your fist. _Was this it?_ You asked yourself. _Was this going to happen?_

Once again, his lips met with yours except this time they were filled with small amount of urgency. He yanked his gloves off, his hands suddenly at your waist as he maneuvered himself over you. He slipped his fingers under your shirt and exploring your skin as he exhaled a small groan. His lingering kisses slowly traveled down your jaw, leaving small traces of wetness in their wake. The palms of your hands found the back of his head, your fingers lacing through his thick dark hair as he buried his mouth in your collarbone. You breathed out, feeling his teeth nip against your skin as he gently bit down, leaving a small mark as he drew your flesh into his mouth.

Below you, his hands slid up your skin underneath your shirt. The feeling of his calloused fingers brushing against stomach sent a chill up your spine. You leaned up, allowing him to slide your shirt off over your head and tossing it aside. You watched him as he sat back on his feet, staring at your body for a moment with twinkling eyes you had never dreamed of seeing. His eyes traveled over your body, and you could almost feel his gaze as it traveled down the valley of your breasts, down to the button of your bottoms. You grabbed his hand, waking him from his trance as you pulled him back down towards you, his lips ravenous against your mouth. You began pulling at his clothes, the desire to feel his skin overwhelming you as you tangled your legs with his. You felt your whole body blush as you realized what the feeling of his arousal was against your leg.

A soft gasp escaped from you behind your lips as his hand kneaded your breast greedily through its restraints. You arched your back, pushing his hand further against your chest as your hand slid down his face. He leaned upward and kissed you hungrily again, his lips caressing yours with desperation. Your hands reached for his robes as you tried to pull them off yourself but with no success. He leaned back again, breathing heavily from his mouth as he reached for the back of his shirt and pulled it over his head. You watched as his bare chest heaved as he drew deep breaths. You reached up, your fingers gently sliding down the center of his chest, through the sparse hair that resided in the center.

He grasped your hips, fingering the button of your pants as he leaned down and drew kisses down the center of your stomach. You reached down to touch his tousled hair, your fingers gingerly tracing over the beauty marks that peppered his shoulders. You felt his hands hastily try to unbutton your pants, yanking them off your legs as you lifted your hips for him. As soon as your bottoms reached the floor, his hands were at your thighs, kneading them as he planted a sloppy kiss on your lips. You didn’t mind, you realized as his tongue brushed against yours. He groaned, pressing his hips against your thighs with anticipation.

Suddenly, he stood up, kicking his boots off as he stared you down. His eyes were filled with craving. You pushed your shoes off too, hearing them thump on the ground as he quickly slid himself back in between your legs. You leaned up and he reached around you, fumbling as he tried to maneuver your bra hook. Finally, you reached for yourself and unhooked it with one hand. 

Ren looked down at you, his dark eyes glistening as a small laugh escaped from him.

“It has been– a _very_ long time for me since the last time I-” You reached up and kissed him, sliding your bra off your shoulders and tossing it to the side. He sighed heavily as your skin met with his. 

“You’re not the only one,” you smiled, touching his face as if to reassure him. He stared at you, a small smile flittering across his lips. This was probably the most you had ever seen him show happiness. 

Your fingers trailed down his neck, down his chest and stopping at the elastic at his waist. He leaned his head down on the pillow beside you, a groan filling your ear as you touched him for the first time. You basked in the feeling of him as you caressed his arousal. Within a few quick strokes, he reached down and grasped your wrist in his hand, an embarrassed laugh coming from beside you. It had been a long time, you reminded yourself. You could feel the heat pooling between your legs as you fondled him, his hand cautiously hovering above your wrist with anticipation to stop you. You felt him push his arousal against your heat, causing you to moan as you arched your back against him. 

Almost frantically, he pulled away and rid you of the rest of your clothes, but not before he pulled his own pants off. You laid back down, your eyes avoiding him as your face began to blush uncontrollably at the sight of him. Nestling himself in between your legs, you breathed in heavily to try and relax. Ren noticed, pausing as he pushed your legs aside. He leaned down, resting his nose against yours as he stared at you, holding the side of your face. 

“Are you sure?” he murmured, his hot breath hitting your lips as his thumb brushing against your cheek. You had never suspected him of such gentleness. You nodded your head, closing your eyes as he leaned down and kissed you once more. He teased you for a moment, feeling him against you as he tried to find your entrance. Suddenly you gasped, feeling the muscles around him expand as he gently pushed himself into you. It had certainly been a long time for you too, you realized. 

“ _Oh,”_  your moan fluttered as you grasped his dark hair in your fist. In one fluid thrust, he was completely inside you and you leaned back arching your back against him as the mixture of discomfort and pleasure washed over you. 

He didn’t move, just rested his head on the pillow beside you. His warm breath in your ear as you both adjusted to the feeling of each other. With carefulness, he began thrusting himself into you, his hips pumping against yours as you wrapped your legs around his waist. You held onto his shoulders as he buried his face in your neck, grunting at each thrust. He pinned your hips down, sitting back as he drilled himself into you. Your nails slid down his chest, causing his skin to redden in its wake. 

Ren took your hands in his, pinning your wrists down above your head with just one of his hands. His pelvis pushed against your clit, causing you to buck your hips and moan loudly. He leaned down, covering his mouth with yours in a hurried kiss. He kissed behind your ear, causing a shiver to travel down your spine as he let go of your wrists. Immediately you pulled him closer to you, your nails scraping his back as you whimpered in his ear. 

“ _[y/n]_ ,” he murmured, burying his face in your neck. That was all you needed as your abdomen contracted, an orgasm rippling through your body as you cried out. His name slipped through your lips as you grasped ahold of him, your nails digging into the skin on his back. 

You could feel him shuddering above you, feeling your orgasm as he thrust himself into you with fervor. You felt his muscles begin to tense under your fingertips. 

“Oh _gods_ ,” you cried out, your lips pushed against his ear as you rode out the last waves of ecstasy. He was not far behind, a loud coarse groan emulating from the crook of your neck. You slid your fingers into his hair, holding him close to you as you felt him finish inside you. 

The two of you panted heavily against each other for a few moments as you rode out the euphoria that was coursing through you. You leaned up a few moments later, gently kissing the shell of his ear as you smiled at him. You felt his lips curl into a smile against your skin and you both began to chuckle. 

Sluggishly he rolled off of you, resting himself down on the pillow next to you. You watched as his chest heave in and out as he breathed heavily. Finally, he looked over at you, grabbing hold of your hand as he pulled you close to him. 

“Was that–?” He asked through deep breaths. You cut him off, resting your head in the small of his shoulder. 

“ _Perfect,”_ you breathed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well, that took all of three days to write lol I hope you liked it because I’m always fairly self-conscious when writing sexy time. More to come though! Thank you for reading c: <3 I love you all and you’re all beautiful people!


	16. Chapter Sixteen

You laid next to Kylo as the stars outside his bedroom window grew brighter while the day wore on. It had to be nearly four in the late afternoon by now.

The sheets were tangled around both of you as you clung to his torso, reminiscing of your new experience with him. Below you, his long, bristly legs were twisted with yours as he held you close, his arm wrapped around your shoulder. You stared out the window you were facing, your fingers dancing across the moles that peppered his chest. He didn’t say much as you laid there with him. You could feel his fingers gently brushing circles on your shoulder. Although you hadn’t laid there long, you had been able to tell by the way his chest rose and fell that he had dozed off a few times, his fingers falling still on your shoulder. 

“We should get dressed,” you murmured to him. “Before someone comes in.”

“The door is locked,” he grumbled quietly, his voice hoarse with sleep.

You propped yourself up and looked at him, his dark eyelashes brushing against his cheekbones as he laid next to you. You reached up and traced your finger down the bridge of his nose, down to his chapped lips. He opened one eye, his expression puzzled and slightly annoyed. You leaned up, kissing him softly again. Ren touched your shoulder, pushing you back. 

“I don’t think I can go another round,” he confessed, trying to suppress an embarrassed smile. 

“Fair enough,” you laid down beside him on your own pillow, feeling strange that you were laying naked in his bed. You looked back over at him, his eyes closed and midnight colored hair spread out on the pillow below him. 

“I received a write-up today,” you told him. “That is why I was in General Hux’s office.” 

Ren’s eyes opened, staring at the ceiling above him as his eyebrows pulled together. 

“Why?” He asked, his voice deep with vexation. “What was his reasoning?”

You drew a breath in, “he said that there was a rumor I stayed here last night.” 

“That is no reason to reprimand someone,” Ren grumbled as he sat up beside you, swinging his legs over the side of the bed as he readied himself to stand.

“I thought so too,” you replied, a blush creeping up your neck at the sight of small raised nail marks trailing over his back muscles. He rolled his shoulders, cracking his neck as he pushed his hair out of his eyes. 

“I will have a word with him,” Ren muttered, slipping his bottoms onto his legs. 

You paused for a moment, unsure if you should reveal who’s idea it really was to reprimand you. You slipped out of bed on the other side, slowly grabbing your undergarments off the ground. 

“Hux suggested it was Supreme Leader Snoke’s motion to rebuke my actions,” you informed Ren quietly. “Snoke insinuated I would be a distraction to your works.” 

Kylo paused as he pulled his robes over his head. He reached down to grab his belt, his eyebrows knitted together as he considered your words. When he didn’t reply, you began to feel guilty for his situation. 

“I’m sorry,” you uttered quickly, watching him as you held your clothes. He turned to look at you, confused. 

“There is nothing to apologize for,” he assured you wearily, pulling his boots on as he looked away. “It was my decision to have you stay last night. We had just been talking.” 

You began pulling your clothes back on, your tousled hair full of knots as you tried to comb it with your fingers. 

“I do not wish to distract you from your work,” you told him as he pulled on his gloves. “And I don’t want you to be scolded for improperly doing your job because of me.”

Ren laughed, his tone dismal as he reached for his helmet. “Snoke does not know what he is talking about.”

You stared at him incredulously, astonished that he had concluded this on his own. 

“I’m surprised at you,” you confessed, pulling your bottoms on as you stood. 

Ren shook his head, pulling his helmet over his face. The gears clicked shut and his breathing apparatus turned on with a loud exhale. 

He turned to look at you, “Supreme Leader knows a great deal about this galaxy and very much about me, but he does not know what happens behind these closed doors. Nor should anyone else. I intend to keep it that way.” 

“Oh,” you nodded your head, sweeping your hair up from your neck and into your usual bun. Ren stood across the room from you, watching you wipe the excess makeup that had smudged underneath your eyes. You could sense his irresolute stance with your back turned. 

“I did not mean to hurt your feelings,” his deep voice sympathized from behind you. He came closer to you and you turned around, coming face to face with his mask instead of his soft features you had grown accustomed to over the past few hours together. 

“You didn’t,” you told him, slipping your earrings back in your lobes. 

Despite his mask, you could hear his exhale that birthed a knowing frown, “I sensed your disappointment.” 

“There is nothing to be disappointed about,” you turned to look at him. “I have my job to protect, as do you. If this were going to work, it-- it probably wouldn’t.” 

Ren took a step towards you, staring down at you from behind his helmet. 

“I want to protect you,” he told you. You felt as though this were the first time he realized this himself as he spoke. “And the only way to do this is to keep this  _concealed_ from those onboard. If word traveled, the enemies could--” 

“I understand,” you assured him, reaching up to touch the dents embedded on the front of his mask. He lifted his hand, cradling your face in his leathery palm. You leaned into him, suppressing any doubt about him reciprocating the feelings you almost regretfully harbored for him. 

“Hux will want to know where I am,” you stared down at his chest as you drew yourself closer to him. Ren dropped his hand to your shoulder as if the name of the General brought disgust to him. 

“I will speak with him,” He assured you again. 

“What about my notes? What will he say when I have nothing written for today?”

“You fret too much over him.” 

“I’m only worried about my employment on board,” you frowned. 

“Don’t,” he assured you. “Busy yourself while I am gone. He will see that.” 

“Where are you going?”

“Takodana,” Ren replied. “To retrieve the droid from the resistance.”

You took a small step back, realizing for the first time what It meant to be associated with someone who was perpetually in danger. You felt your stomach knot for many different reasons, one of them reminding you of your father, one of them worrying about Ren’s wellbeing.

“Good luck,” you smiled half-heartedly. 

Ren nodded his head in appreciation, “you should leave now. Head back to your quarters before another rumor begins.” 

“I fear you may have already started one when you took me away from the medical droid.”

Ren scoffed behind his mask and turned his head, “then leave now before it grows.” 

You nodded your head, smiling sadly as you let go of your gentle grip on his robes. You said goodbye and wished him luck in his endeavors once more before turning to leave, feeling his eyes on your back the entire time you walked away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff because I can. :) I hope you enjoyed it. More soon <3 Thank you all for reading <3 Suggestions and constructive criticism as well as praise is always always welcome <3 I love you all, my fellow trash Kylo fans.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

“Today is the end of the Republic! The end of a regime that acquiesces to disorder! At this very moment, in a system far from here the New Republic LIES to the GALAXY while secretly supporting the treachery of the loathsome Resistance. This fierce machine which you have built, upon which we stand, will bring an end to the Senate! To their cherished fleet! All remaining systems will _bow_ to the First Order! And will remember this… as the _last_ _day_ of the Republic!” 

You stood in the shadows away from the harsh arctic winds as you listened to the General’s speech, your heart in your throat. Thousands of stormtroopers stood in a rally before Hux, the mountainous snowy landscape as a backdrop to his fervorous speech. Your eyes shifted over the TIE fighters, officers, and vehicles that were scattered around before him. You were in complete awe. 

“FIRE!” Hux’s voice boomed and hundreds of stormtrooper boots shifted on the ground as they turned to face the snowy landscape. The ground shook as it suddenly became eerily silent. Your eyes frantically searched, wondering what it is you were called to observe. 

Suddenly an impossible blast of fire shot through the air in the distance and you lifted your hand to your mouth as you became paralyzed with dread. You breathed out, watching the burst of light travel out into the distant planets while the General stood tall with pride. 

The realization of what was happening hit you, and you leaned against the wall and closed your eyes, grief overcoming you. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You stood in your tight shower, feeling the warm water against your face as you let it trickle off your chin. You hadn’t slept much last night. You thought of the millions of innocent lives the First Order had taken. The cause you were unofficially supporting by being here. Or maybe your lack of sleep had on account of the memories of Ren from earlier yesterday. Maybe it was the disgrace you were feeling for the desire you were constantly yearning for. 

 _Where had Ren been during Hux’s speech?_ you wondered silently to yourself.

It was strange, you mused as you strung your fingers through your hair as you washed it. The feelings you were having for Ren were more than just a physical craving. You felt connected to him in a way you had never connected with a client or really anyone for that matter. You wanted him to succeed, even if it went against things you were taught to despise. You wanted him to be happy and content with himself. You wanted to support him, and you weren’t sure if that stemmed from your role as his counselor or the way your heart missed a beat when you were around him.

You turned the water off and stepped out, feeling the water dripping down your skin as you wiped off the mirror. You stared at yourself as dried your body, your eyes skimming over your features as you wondered what he saw in you. _Beautiful,_  he had called you. What had changed in the grandson of Darth Vader to make him say something so sentimental to you? You would think that the only way he would consider having an amorous relationship with anyone would be with someone who was just as passionate about his crusade as he was. Not with someone like you, you thought as you squeezed your hair with the towel. Not with someone who’s family had a background with the _treachery of the loathsome_ Resistance”.

You thought of Papa as you dressed, trying to push your thoughts away from the sight of the strip of the sun that had barreled towards stars in the distance. You thought of what he would say to you if you ended up coming home after all of this. You couldn’t stay here forever. Sooner or later Ren would discover it in himself to control his anger and you would be shipped back home, even if the two of you had formed a relationship beyond that of his counselor.

You frowned to yourself, feeling your heart give a pang of sadness at the thought. You had hated coming here in the first place, but now you dreaded going home. 

You finished getting dressed, taking a few extra minutes in the mirror to make sure you looked just as good as you had the previous day. What if he didn’t think you looked as pretty in your uniform as did in civilian clothes? What if he changed his mind about what happened yesterday? You shook your head, realizing how immature your insecurities sounded.

Grabbing your folder and notebook, heading out the door and down the hallway in the direction of Ren’s quarters. You stood in front of his door and knocked. And knocked again. No one answered and your insecurities returned as you held your notebook to your chest tightly. 

“Miss [y/n],” you turned at the sound of your name, your eyes landing on the General as he made his way towards you. His nose was half turned in the air at you as he came closer, the air of superiority that surrounded him jutting today. He was actually _proud_  of what he had done yesterday.

“General Hux,” you addressed, turning your chin up. Since his speech, you felt nothing but revulsion towards him. 

“I regret to inform you that Master Ren is occupied right now with orders,” he informed you, his hands held firmly behind his back. “So he won’t be able to make it to your meeting today.”

“Oh,” you nodded your head, trying to conceal your disappointment. “I see. Thank you for informing me, General.”

“My pleasure,” he gave a smug smile as you turned to walk back to your quarters. “Oh, and Miss [yn]?”

You turned around, noticing he was still standing in the same place with his chin turned up. Why was he addressing you as ‘Miss’ now? He had never done that before until recently. What was his problem with you suddenly?

“Yes?” 

“I have taken it upon myself to decide that your meetings with Ren will be monitored from here forward,” Hux informed you, his chin dipping to his chest as he stared at you from a few feet away. 

“I’m sorry?” you knitted your eyebrows together. “I thought you were already monitoring our meetings by my notes?”

“I mean a physical presence will be introduced,” He stared at you knowingly. _He knew_. 

“Why is that?” You blinked, trying to remain neutral. 

“Just a new protocol,”  He smiled. “Ren will be completing his training with Supreme Leader in the very near future and Snoke requires his full undivided attention. You understand this, yes?” 

You pursed your lips, biting back your doubt. “Of course. Thank you for informing me. I only want the best for Master Ren, as I’m sure the rest of the fleet does also.”

“I’m sure you do,” Hux turned on his heel and began walking back in the direction he came from. “Good day, [y/n].” 

“Good day, General,” you replied softly, turning around. 

Slowly, you began to walk back in the direction of your quarters, thinking about the encounter you had just had. Half of you understood that you couldn’t be involved with Ren, but the other half couldn’t help but feel disappointed. You thought about yesterday, the feeling of being wanted for the first time in your life. Not just physically, but you felt wanted emotionally too. You were his distraction from all the pain he was feeling. If you couldn’t fix his situations, you could, at least, be there for him with emotional support and to help him figure out ways to cope. But how could you do that now that the two of you were going to be watched like some type of rebellious adolescence? He would never open up to you now. And if Hux had found out that the two of you had slept together, you were sure that he would find out again. The realization of this was sobering as you frowned. 

You stopped, hearing a female voice grunt as you passed by a door. You realized you had wandered in your thoughts and now you were almost on the other side of the base, nearing close to where you had met Snoke previously. You turned your head, peering into a metal door with a small window in the center. Inside was a woman about the same age as you, wrists and ankles shackled by metal in a standing position. You narrowed your eyes as you gazed at her, confused at what you were looking at. She was a prisoner, you realized sadly. She looked poor, though, dressed entirely as though she did nothing but dabble in the dunes of a desert. 

Who was she? you wondered as your fingers slid down the metal. You felt sorry for her as she struggled against her restraints, trying to free herself. You felt compelled to help her, but that would go against your contract. You couldn’t imagine the punishment you would receive if you did. Finally, she rested her head against the metal, closing her eyes as she accepted her fate. You frowned, taking a step back. 

But wasn’t Ren supposed to capture a droid, not a person? 

Behind you, you heard footsteps pounding on the floor and you quickly walked further down the hallway and around the corner. It was Hux, you realized as he walked past you unnoticed, his expression full of anger. You wondered what had changed his demeanor from complacent to displeasure so quickly. You held your notebook closely to your chest as your eyes followed him, watching him stop in front of a door you recognized as where you met Snoke. 

Quietly, you followed him but the door slid shut just as you reached it. You leaned your ear against the slit of the door, straining your ears to listen to what was going on. 

“Ren believed it was no longer valuable to us,” you listened as Hux’s voice rang from behind the door. “That the girl was all we needed. As a result, the droid has most likely been returned to the hands of the enemy. They may have the map already.”

So it was Ren’s idea to capture the girl you had just seen, you realized. 

“Then the Resistance must be destroyed before they get to Skywalker,” you heard the stone colored leader ordered angrily. 

“We have their location. We tracked their reconnaissance ship to the Ileenium system,” you heard Hux say. Hadn’t he destroyed enough lives?

“Supreme Leader,” you heard Ren’s feeble voice for the first time. He sounded as though he were shocked just as much as you were by the leaders command. “I can get the map from the girl. I just need your guidance.”

“You have had your chance to prove yourself, Ren,” Snoke remarked, his voice echoing in your ear. “Bring the girl to me.”

A moment of silence passed, I am deeply disappointed in your judgment. You are distracted, my apprentice,” you heard Snoke say. “I can feel this energy in you that I have not felt before. I fear it may impact your judgment as you finish your training.” 

So Hux wasn’t lying. Ren did have to finish his training. 

“Perhaps this counselor of yours is not assisting you at all, Ren,” Snoke’s said. You pressed your ear closer to the door. “Perhaps we should terminate her position and find a more suitable substitute.”

“No,” you heard Ren say, his voice trying to remain neutral. You could hear the distress in his voice. “That will not be necessary, Supreme Leader. She is helping me, there is no need for a replacement.”

You could hear Hux scoff, his shoes shifting on the floor. You praised Ren for not becoming angry. You couldn’t say the same for yourself.

“If I may, Supreme Leader,” Hux spoke, his voice haughty. “I have already informed Miss [y/l/n] that she and Ren’s appointments will be strictly monitored from here forth due to the recent outbreak of rumors.” 

You peeked through the slit in the door, seeing Ren’s face as he turned to gaze incredulously at Hux. You breathed out, trying to calm your nerves as you replaced your ear to the door.

“Very well,” Snoke leaned back in his chair. 

“With all due respect, Supreme Leader, I am not a child who needs to be watched for wrongdoings,” Ren’s voice quivered with anger. 

“Simple precautionary measures,” Snoke explained. “These feelings I sense in you- they will not do well in our crusade to conquer the galaxy. Rid yourself of them, or I will rid this base of _her._ ” 

“Supreme Leader,” Ren tried, his voice quivering with a hint of a plea. “How may can I prove myself that she means nothing to me?”

You felt your heart sink into your stomach. 

Snoke let out a low, vile laugh as you felt acid rising in your stomach. “Rid yourself of the light that is pulling you, Ren. Your father, Han Solo is on his way to retrieve the girl you have captured and return her to the resistance.  _Kill him.”_  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well, I’m going to have to dig myself out of this one but I’m happy with the way this chapter turned out. I apologize for it taking so long. If all goes well, I should have another chapter by Monday. Sorry for no lovey-dovey stuff :c I miss it too. And if you hadn’t noticed, I took some dialogue from the official script, so obligatory “I do not own Star Wars” should follow right meow.   
> Anyway, thank you all for reading! <3 I love you all from the bottom of my heart and you all bring me so much joy when I wake up to kudos and comments every morning. Ugh, you guys are the best <3   
> edit: ooooo, Sunday is Valentine’s Day ;D


	18. Chapter Eighteen

You felt nausea rising up in your stomach as you gripped the metal door, straining to hear Snoke’s words. 

_How can I prove that she means nothing to me?_

You closed your eyes tightly, stumbling as you back away from the door. The base of your throat ached as you tried to keep your emotions at bay. You meant nothing to him? After you had opened up to him both physically and emotionally? Had he seduced you by trying to be caring? Was your whole relationship with him a ruse? And to kill Han Solo? Kill his own father? Had you heard him all correctly? 

* * *

 

You found yourself practically jogging back to your quarters, desiring nothing but solitude as your eyes began to water. You felt a rush of distress, anger and fear overcome you. Why were you here in such an evil place? How could you have been so stupid as to fall for Ren’s tricks? What if he had used the Force to seduce you into bed? What if-

There was a knock on your door just moments after it had slid closed behind you. You didn’t answer as you angrily tossed your folder across the room. You knew, perhaps, you were acting on irrational thoughts. But that didn’t stop your heart from aching. _Meant nothing to him?_  You kicked your dresser in anger, swearing as pain coursed through your foot after impact. You grunted as you clenched your fists, tears finally escaping from behind your lids.

Someone knocked again but you ignored it, sitting down on your bed. You didn’t care. You didn’t care about anything anymore. How had you let this all happen? How had you become so emotionally invested in someone who barely knew how to express his feelings? How had you grown to like someone like Kylo Ren in such a short period of time? How could you like someone who was associated with such _evil?_ You also felt sorry for yourself for being such a fool. You felt sorry that you had almost gotten to the point where you were content with not being home anymore. You felt sorry that this was the first person you truly had feelings for that wasn’t a materialistic childhood fantasy. Or maybe it was.

Your door slid open and you looked up, seeing Kylo standing before you, his mask covering his face. He exhaled, the sound of his mechanical breathing apparatus filling your ears. 

“That was _locked,”_  you hissed. You turned your head and pushed your palm against your face to wipe away any tears that may have fallen. You continued to busy yourself, trying not to show your emotions to him. 

“What are you doing?” he asked, his voice neutral as the door slid closed behind him. He took a step towards you as you tried to clean up the mess you had made moments before. You could feel him watching you as you picked up your books from the floor. 

“I’m cleaning,” you told him quietly, gathering his files in your arms. 

“What were you doing in the Northern sector of the base?” You went rigid, your arm frozen in extension. 

“I wasn’t,” you continued on, holding your breath.

“I have told you before, it does not do well to lie to me.” 

“I’m not.”

“I could sense you listening to my meeting,” his mask was off now as you turned back around, his voice deep as he stared at you. You blinked, pursing your lips as you held the files against your chest. You took a deep breath in and turned around, ignoring his words.

“I know what you heard,” he told you. “And I know what it is you are thinking.”

You bit back a scoff as you turned to face him, feeling your emotions unleash on him.

“That I mean nothing to you?” you spoke harshly, cocking your eyebrow at him. “Or how about the way you practically pleaded with Supreme Leader to grant you one more chance to prove yourself that you aren’t being _seduced?”_

 _“_ That was not my intention-”

“Then what were you trying to say, Kylo? What are we doing? Please, let me know so I can box up my emotions before you drag them through the mud anymore,” you said as you held your chest, you face contorted with injured vexation. You couldn’t help but let your voice trickle with a hint of mockery. 

Ren stared at you, his eyebrows knitted together as he searched for the words to respond. He pressed his lips together, the two pieces of his chapped mouth forming a frown as he looked away from you. His silence only brought more anger to you. Did he have nothing to say? No answer for his statement to his master? Was all he had to say was that you should not have been listening in the first place? 

“ _What are we doing,_ Kylo _?”_ you demanded, you eyes pleading with him. Your emotions were overtaking you. Everything that had been pent up in you was surfacing in the form of anger. 

“We can’t have a _relationship,”_ you bitterly told him, your hands gesturing between the two of you. “I am _nothing_  to the First Order. I am just here to fix you. And once I somehow do, I’ll be shipped back home where my family had disowned me for coming to work for you. So who am I to have a relationship with _Kylo Ren?”_

Ren opened his mouth to speak, but you kept going, angry tears now streaming down your cheeks. You wiped them away as you spoke, your makeup smudging under your eye. 

“So please, Ren. Tell me what I am doing sleeping with you? What am I doing staying up all night talking to you about my life? What am I doing having feelings for someone who has no time for me? Am I nothing but someone to have sex with and then throw away when orders come your way? Just please tell me before my feelings for you grow any-”

He quickly took a step forward, his long legs striding over to you in just one step. Before you could finish your words, his mouth was pressed against yours, his hands gripping your shoulders. You whimpered against his mouth, tears mixing against his lips as you tried to push him away with little exertion. His grip on your shoulders tightened as he pulled away, looking down at you with hooded eyes. 

“I care about you,” he told you, his tone stern with you as he faintly shook you with his words. “I care about you more than I think you realize. You’re the only one that can take away this misery I feel each day. I am constantly being torn apart and you’re the only one who takes that away. I try to do my work but all I think about is _you_. All I think about is how I would rather be with _you._ Just _believe me.”_

You blinked at him, taken aback by his words. 

“I’m telling you the truth,” he stared down at you, his face full of vulnerability for the first time. You didn’t think he was capable of such an emotion. 

“How can we do this?” you asked, your voice barely above a whisper. 

“You fret too much,” he pressed his lips back down to yours, his thumbs brushing away tears that had streamed down your cheeks. You shuddered against his lips, breathing in as he wrapped his arms around you. You kissed him softly, letting his lips explore yours carefully. A piece of hair fell from your face, brushing against his nose as his kiss grew deeper. You wrapped your arms around him, accepting his words despite your raging emotions telling you otherwise. 

He grabbed your hips and pushed you up, holding one of your legs to his thigh to coerce you. You took his hint, wrapping your legs around his waist as he held your bottom, kissing you passionately as his other hand held your face. Your fingers combed through his dark hair, your other hand brushing down to his shoulder. You gripped his bicep, feeling it flex under its restraints as he held you against him. 

You kicked off your shoes behind him, hearing them land with a soft thud on the floor as you pulled at his clothes. He took a few steps forward, his shins hitting your small bunk as he lowered you down. You kept your legs wrapped around him as you reached behind you, fumbling with the zipper of your uniform. He reached around you and unzipped it, his lips pushed hungrily against yours as you tried to quick rid yourself of your clothes. 

Effortlessly, he pushed you further up your bed, his hands greedily kneading your thighs under your skirt as he kissed down your neck. You reached down, touching him through his robes as a low growl echoed in your ear. He reached up further, your legs coming undone as he yanked at your stockings, sliding them down off your legs and tossing them to the side. His lips were back on yours as you wrapped your arms around his neck, your fingers pulling at the clothing at the nape of his neck. Your skin was on fire as you ached to feel his against yours. 

Ren knelt down on the floor in front of you, your bunk so low to the ground that it barely reached the top of his thighs. He reached up, pushing your skirt up to your waist as you leaned back on your elbows. You watched him rid himself of his gloves before returning his calloused fingers to your skin. You breathed in heavily, feeling his lips kissing up your thighs. His fingers delicately traced down your leg, stopping at your ankle before flatting his palm and sliding it back up. 

Endorphins flooded your brain with the feeling of his lips kissing your skin. He teased you, his fingers tracing over your wetness. He pulled them off of you a moment later, tossing them to the ground with the rest of your garments. You flung your head back, a low moan escaping your lips as you felt his mouth press down between your legs. You could have died over the rush of pleasure you felt. You pulled back, grabbing at the sheets as your mouth gaped open. 

You groaned his name at the feeling of his mouth working against you. Your chest clenched as you reached down, fingers untangling his hair as he stared up at you. His hand fell down in between your legs, his fingers delicately tracing your entrance. You felt your body begin to tense, your body aching for release. He pulled away, a wicked smile playing across his face as he watched you before him. 

“ _Please,”_ you begged him, never feeling such a strong desire in your life. You had never felt such a different pleasure and you didn’t want him to stop. He smiled down at you, his unconventionally handsome features softening under your sultry gaze. His chest heaved as he tried to catch his breath, his eyes traveling over your body. You watched as his Adam's apple plunged into his throat.

“You’re beautiful,” he told you quietly, his voice genuine under his sudden gentle gaze. You could sense his embarrassment, and you wondered if he was afraid of coming off as too cliche. You smiled at him, reaching up to touch his face to assure him. Who would have guessed of his self-conscious tendencies? 

Your reassurance sparked his desire as he leaned back down to kiss you, tasting yourself on his lips as he maneuvered himself above you. You pulled at his belt, taking it upon yourself to pull it off of him. He yanked his robes off over his head, tossing them on the floor with yours before riding himself of his pants in addition. You groaned, feeling him against your thigh as he pushed himself against you. Your heart pounded in your chest as he grabbed at your chest, groping your breast in its restraints. You arched your back against his palm, relishing in his touch. 

A moment later, he guided himself into you, a rush of pleasure completely engulfing your body as he wasted no time, thrusting himself into. You shut your eyes tightly, feeling the pleasure wash over you with his every stroke. His hips pounded against yours as he breathed heavily in your ear, his forehead resting next to you. You gripped his bicep, feeling it flex as he balanced himself above you. You felt his breath leave your ear as he leaned up.

“Open your eyes,” he demanded softly, his voice hoarse. You opened your eyes, complying as you met his dark gaze. Your eyes traced over his features, stopping at his hair that fell from his face in front of him. 

“Look at me,” he requested, his voice becoming more frantic. He slowed his stroke, reaching down between you as his fingertips began to massage your sensitive skin. You gasped, closing your eyes as you arched your back. 

“No, look at me,” he told you again, his fingers moving quickly. You gazed up at him, your mouth agape as your chest heaved. An orgasm quickly rocked your body as you leaned forward, muffling your cry in his shoulder as he let go and quickly began thrusting into you again. Your name rolling off tongue as your body shook with pleasure. Your fingers dug into his skin as you tried your best to remain quiet, feeling his body tense as your muscles contracted around him. 

He panted your name in close to your ear, his fingers gripping your waist as he continued his thrusts, determined to finish. Two strokes later, he reached his own climax, his body going rigid under your fingertips as he cried out. He grunted at his last few thrusts, letting himself fill you as he kissed your temple. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he breathed again, his fingers tracing over your hair as you tried to fill your lungs with as much air as possible. Your fingers traced through his hair as he leaned back up, staring down at you. You began to laugh, smiling up at him with admiration. You breathed against his lips, feeling him smile against your mouth as you held his cheek. You had never felt this way about someone before. You stared up at him, his face growing serious as his fingers brushed down your cheek. 

“I don’t know how I’m going to do this,” he whispered sadly to you. “I just know I want to do it with you next to me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I hope you liked it c:   
> Let’s face it, we’re all emotional, irrational thinkers sometimes who freak out. If you’re not, at least, I am for sure. The beginning of this is definitely based off of my argument style lol I know you guys are probably like “why aren’t we freaking out about him having to kill his father” don’t worry, that’s coming. We just had to get this settled and take him to bed one more time lol   
> Anyway! Please let me know what you guys think. I hope I’m not losing you guys because of my erratically timed updates :c I’m trying my best. Constructive criticism is always welcome <3 thank you guys again.


	19. Chapter 19

You sat at the edge of your bed, watching Kylo as he quickly returned his clothes to his body. He pulled at the drawstrings of his pants, watching you as you quietly yanked your shirt back over your head. 

“I’ll be back,” he told you quietly, noticing your silence. “There are things that need attending to.” 

You hesitated, “Why do you have that scavenger-looking girl restrained? What did she do wrong?” 

Kylo turned to you as he slid his arms through his sleeves, “she has seen it.” 

“The map?” you asked astoundedly. “How?”

* * *

 

“She somehow convinced the droid to show it to her,” he scowled, putting his boots on. “I have tried to retrieve it, but she is strong. She is just learning to test her powers. This is why I was speaking to Supreme Leader.”

You remembered what you had heard just a mere half hour ago and your stomach clenched. You breathed in deeply through your nose, your chest rising as you looked away from Ren. 

“And your father?” you asked him, standing up to put the rest of your uniform back on. “What will become of him?”

Ren frowned, his eyebrows close together in conflict. You could see his Adam's apple plunge into his throat  

You chewed at your lip as he remained silent. “Are you going to do what Snoke has asked of you?”

Ren’s left eye twitched as he turned to look at you, his helmet held at his chest. “I do not have a choice,” he replied, his voice both stern and sober. 

“But he is your father,” you pleaded, walking closer to him. It was as though a wall came between you and you stopped in your tracks, watching him slid his helmet onto his head. Had he used the Force? Or was it your conscious telling you to leave this conversation alone? 

“I’m sorry,” he turned, pulling his hood over his head. The door slid open and you stood there, watching his stiff shoulders as he left without a word more.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Something was bothering you. You couldn’t put your finger on it, but you felt something deep within you that was causing you distress. You sighed heavily to yourself, standing up from your small desk. Ren had left you only an hour before. You hadn’t been able to concentrate since.

You slid your fingers through hair that had fallen onto your face, looking around the room for something to busy yourself with. You felt anxious. Your palms were beginning to sweat as you rubbed them against your uniform, biting your lip as you thought. 

You thought of what Ren was doing. He had left so abruptly after your brief quench of desire that you wondered what he had to do that was so important. it had something to do with that scavenger, you had gathered. The poor girl had had enough of a rough life, and now she was being interrogated by Ren. You couldn’t imagine what it was like to be on the other side of his strength and anger. 

The door slid open as you took a step out of your quarters. Almost immediately you were practically pummeled by an officer scurrying down the hallway. He grunted as he ran into you, his hat falling from his head. You froze, remembering that night you were assaulted in the hallway. The uniform brought back nausea, but the man quickly apologized, gathered his hat and kept his pace as he continued down the corridor. 

You turned your head, observing officers of all kinds scrambling about as you took a few steps down the hallway. You narrowed your eyebrows, confused as to what everyone was so occupied with. Two heavily armed stormtroopers jogged past you, rambling off commands from behind their white helmets. You were about to ask what was going on when you saw Ren striding down the hallway, his hands balled into fists. 

You took a step closer, but he shook his head curtly towards you. You backed away, waiting for him to engage you so that no one became suspicious. You frowned, his frustration practically radiating off of him. 

“The scavenger has escaped,” he informed you, his voice regressing back to its formal stern nature in the presence of his colleagues. “I do not wish to have you out in this commotion. I’m afraid it will cause confusion.” 

“I don’t think-” 

“Do as I say,” he commanded, his chin tilting upwards. You lifted your eyebrows, unsure as to whether you should be insulted by his demeanor or amused. 

“Of course, Master Ren,” you replied with a nod of your head, smiling as a rather high ranking officer passed by in suspicion. 

“Sir,” a stormtrooper trotted up to Ren, his weapon perched at his chest. “She was not found in hangar 718, but all troops are on alert.”

“Put every hangar on lock-down,” Ren commanded, “She's going to try to steal a ship to--”

You watched him as his body went rigid, an exhale escaping from behind his mechanical mask. The Stormtrooper took no notice as he turned to leave, following his comrades down the corridor. You looked down, watching his hands clench back into fists. 

“What is it?” you asked him, leaning forward. 

“Han Solo,” despite his conduct, his voice was surprisingly cool as he stated his father's name in distaste. 

“He’s here?” you asked, hoping the answer wasn’t what you knew it would be. You could almost feel his radiating anxiety. 

“Ren, I think you should take a minute. Just relax and rethink what Supreme Leader advised you to do.”

“Rethink?” he turned his head to look down at you. Had his mask been off, you could imagine his face would be stony, and cold. “I cannot rethink orders. I cannot disobey my commander.” 

“But he is your _father_ ,” you emphasized, your eyes pleading. Although you had never met the legend that was Han Solo, you couldn’t imagine he deserved to be put to death by his own son. 

“He is not my father,” he stated to you coldly. 

You closed your eyes, lowering your voice as another officer jogged by the pair of you. “Listen to me, your thinking is abundantly distorted. You are the controller of your own fate. You do not have to be controlled and you are not a helpless victim of fate.” 

Ren looked away, silent. 

“Don’t you see?” you held your hands before you in a plea. “All these emotions you are having, they’re defense mechanisms for what you know is right-”

“I do not have time for you to pick apart my psyche right now,” he lifted his hand for you to stop. “I have a responsibility that-” 

“Sir,” a platoon of stormtroopers trotted up to Ren, the captain pausing before him. “We think the scavenger may have been spotted in the 739 sectors.”

Ren nodded his head and turned to follow them, his hands still balled into fists. 

“Stay here,” he commanded to you as he pulled his hood down. 

You frowned, watching him as he headed the platoon in the direction of the scavenger. 

You waited a moment or two, listening to the marching of metal as the squad of Stormtroopers made their way to the west sector of the base. Carefully, you began walking in the direction Ren had left in. You felt guilty for disobeying his word, but you couldn’t help but be curious and fearful at the same time. Perhaps you could stop him from committing such a heinous act of violence to his own flesh and blood. There was still good in him.

You followed them, trying your best to stay out of sight. You hoped he couldn’t sense you following him, but you could imagine he was too distracted with his own worry. You felt a twinge of empathy for him and the situation he was in. You could only imagine how long Snoke had to have been in his life for him to feel so compelled to obey him. 

“ _Ben!”_  you heard a deep voice rip through the air of a colossal cylindrical structure. It was near darkness as your eyes landed on Ren as he marched across the catwalk. You froze, watching him turn above the vast abyss below him. 

_Ben?_

You took a step back as two Stormtroopers readied themselves to attack whoever had spoken. You snuggle yourself into the slit of a power chamber in the wall, watching as an older man stepped onto the catwalk. You felt your throat constrict as you realized what was happening. You felt compelled to turn back, but you had come too far and seen too much. There was no possible way that Ren could not sense your presence, as well as your fear now. 

“ _Han Solo,”_ Ren returned coolly, “I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time.” 

You looked up as a beam of light cut through the darkness, casting a setting suns illumination onto Ren’s father as he walked closer to his son. 

“Take off that mask,” Han ordered his son. “You don’t need it.”

“And what do you think you’ll see if do?”

“The face of my _son.”_

You watched the mechanics of Ren’s mask open as he lifted his helmet from his face, dropping it to the metal of the catwalk with a thud. 

“Your son is gone. He was weak and foolish, like his father. So I destroyed him.” Ren’s voice echoed in the cathedral just enough to reverberate in your ears. You bit the inside of your lip, listening to his words you knew very well he didn’t even believe himself. You knew there was still good in him, even if he didn’t want to believe it himself.

“That's what Snoke wants you to believe but it's not true,” Han told him. “My son is _alive_.” 

“No. The Supreme Leader is wise.” 

“Snoke is using you for your power. When he gets what he wants, he'll crush you -- you know it's true.” Han’s words resonated with you to the point where you felt your chin quiver with despair. 

“It’s too late,” Ren’s voice cracked, mirroring your own emotions. 

You had grown to have such feelings for this dastardly man, despite his wickedness. You felt conflicted in this very moment, watching Han reach out to his son through his words. You knew Ren felt much of the same conflict. He wanted to return home where his family was waiting for him, but he was in far too deep. There was no going back. You wanted him to be happy, but you knew he would never truly find happiness with Snoke using him as his puppet. 

“No, it's not. Leave here with me. Come home,” You could barely make out Han’s words. “We miss you.”

Ren stopped and you strained your eyes in the darkness to see his face. Your fingers gripped the metal of the wall, feeling the chill of the open hatch above. 

“I'm being torn apart. I want to be free of this pain,” You looked away, placing your forehead on the metal as you listened. Those were the same words he had spoken to you just a few nights before. It hurt you to see him in such pain. “I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?”

You looked back up, your eyes wide with fear as you knew the outcome of his task. Your voice caught in your throat as you stopped yourself from speaking up. You knew it could only mean worse consequences if you stopped him. 

Han muttered an agreement, his motions pleading with his son to let him help. The grip you had on the corner of the wall tightened more, so much so that your knuckles were practically white. Your eyes tracked Ren’s hands as he unholsters his saber from his side and offered it to his father. You backed away from the wall, taking a step closer to the catwalk. You didn’t care who could see you. You were the only one in the room beside Ren who knew what was about to happen. 

The light that streamed in from the hatch above disappeared into the darkness, casting a shadow over Ren’s face. The red glow from the oscillator below smoldered on Ren’s face. Your eyes grew wide as you took another step, your arm extended as you heard the sound of his lightsaber activating, piercing the abdomen of his own father. Someone screamed above you as your ears began to ring. 

You sunk to your knees, grabbing onto the railing of the catwalk. You watched, stunned as Ren exhaled, his eyes wide as he jammed the saber deeper into his father. Relief washed over his face, alleviating the monumental task that he had finally fulfilled. You watched as Han reached up, touching his son's face for the last time as Kylo detached the blade from his father. Such a harrowing moment caused you to look away. 

Behind you, a stormtrooper grabbed the nape of your uniform and stood you up in one swift motion, pulling you away from the scene. You groped for something to grab onto as your heels skidded across the ground. When you looked back up, Han was gone and Kylo stood alone on the catwalk, his chest heaving as his saber fell to his side. He looked weaker, somehow just as horrified with himself as he stood there. 

How could he have actually gone through with this? 

The sound of a blast shot through the air, hitting Ren directly in his left side as he fell to his knees in pain and shock. You kicked at the stormtrooper who had his grip on your uniform, causing him to lose his hold on you. You stumbled forward, your ankle twisting as your heel slid between the grates of the catwalk. 

“Ren!” you called his name as you tried to get closer. Ren looked up at you, his expression confused by the commotion. The Stormtrooper grabbed your uniform, bodyslamming you to the ground as you hissed in pain. 

“This is no place for you, dumb girl!” The stormtrooper stood above you, grabbing the front of your uniform to pull you up. You stood to your feet as the Stormtrooper dragged you aside. Other Stormtroopers began blasting away at the origin of the attack, laser beams bouncing off the metal at their misses. The sounds of explosions filled your ears as jumped. Behind you, things began exploding, metal melting and collapsing under the detonation.

“I told you to stay where you were!” You heard Ren bellow as the Stormtrooper restrained you. You watched as Kylo gripped his side, his face contorted with fury and determination as he took long strides towards you. “Why don’t you ever _listen_?” 

“I’m sorry,” you called out to him. The stormtrooper pulled at the back of your uniform, pushing you forward for you to walk away from the eruption. The catwalk where Ren had stood moments before collapsed and fell into the abyss below. 

“ _Walk!”_ The stormtrooper commanded you. “Hux will want to have a word with you for disobeying orders.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I am a pretty nosy person by nature and I would have followed him, so that’s what I wrote. lol   
> Sorry, it took so long to update. As many of you know, I was thinking about discontinuing this because I had lost a good amount of followers pretty much right after they plowed lol But I enjoy writing and many of you told me I should keep going so I will :) Thank you, everyone, for your kind messages <3   
> More soon <3


	20. Chapter Twenty

“I regret to inform you, Miss [y/l/n],” Hux sneered at you as you stood before him in the command room. “But simply because you seem to be having quite the affair with Master Ren this does not give you permission to disobey orders and follow him into his personal, and rather top secret affairs.”  
“I’m sorry,” you apologized feebly. Your heart was pounding in your chest as the Stormtrooper behind you jammed his weapon deeper into your back. “I was simply trying to help him.”  
“He does not need your help,” Hux lifted his chin to you. “The only time you are to help him is between the hours of 9 am and 10 am. Other than that, you are to remain in your quarters. We are not remunerating you in order for you to leech onto Master Ren while he is trying to command this vessel!” Hux was practically bellowing at you now, his face contorted with anger and stress. Around him, officers were scrambling around their stations, calling out orders to one another with the distant sounds of bombings in the background.  
“I didn’t mean to intrude, General,” you didn’t look at him as you spoke. Your eyes were locked onto the Resistance fighters who were swooping down beyond the glass wall. Bombs echoed in your ears as the ground vibrated. “I was-”  
“I do not have time for your foolish apologies,” Hux sputtered, turning to walk away. “I had every intention of giving you a second chance, due to the fact that you are already involved with Master Ren. But you seem to have a nag for disobeying orders. Perhaps we could find you a replacement.”  
“General!” You practically found yourself pleading, realizing his intentions. “Please, hear me.”  
“General, weapon at full capacity in thirty seconds,” a technician called out, redirecting his attention. His hands squeezed behind him as he strode away from you, his features grimacing as he called out an order to fire. Below you, the ground began to shake again and in the distance, the sun had practically vanished over the horizon as the dark engulfed the windowed wall.  
“What is happening?” you weren’t sure if you were asking yourself or asking someone around you. No one was listening to you as Officers began to stand from their stations, becoming more anxious with each rumble below them. You watched from the distance as Hux’s eyes grew wide in distress, more bombs landing on the base courtesy of the Resistance.  
“General!” you called out after him as he quickly strode past you and out the door. Was he abandoning his own cause? Following suit, more officers began standing from their stations.  
“Lieutenant, get back to your station!” A Colonel ordered his men as they began fleeing. You felt like you might vomit, realizing the danger you were in.  
“Just look. We won’t survive – even Hux has gone!” the Lieutenant bellowed. You took a deep breath in, thinking of a strategy to leave this colossal planet as quickly as possible before it caved in from the inside. Behind you, you felt the Stormtrooper back off you, dropping his weapon to the floor as he too fled from the command room.  
The ground shook again as you too began backing away from the command center. The Colonel who had been shouting orders wiped his brow of sweat as he took in the damage before him out the window.  
You turned to leave, sprinting down the hall and past your quarters. There was no time to gather your belongings. You thought of the small piece of metal that was resting in a Darth Vader make-shift memorial in Ren’s room, considering fetching that, if anything.  
Ren!  
You halted your sprinting, your chest heaving as you tried to catch your breath. Another rumble came from below you as your heart hammered. Where could he be? Where could he have gone?  
He was following that girl, you quickly remembered. You held your chest, feeling your heart pounding as you tried to catch your breath. You were running on adrenaline fear as you realized what was happening to the base. You began running in the direction of the exit Ren had gone out of, thinking of the Resistance. For a moment, you almost felt anger towards them. This was your home that they were attacking.  
You pushed your way through the metal door, the cold air hitting you like a wall as you frantically looked around. Your hair fell from its bun as you looked down at the snowy ground, seeing footprints leading to a forest close by. Specks of blood sprinkled with each step in the snow.  
You had to find him, you thought. Your mind was racing as you trudged through the snow, your heels sinking into the moist ground. The bitter winds snapped at your skin, causing your teeth to chatter almost immediately. When you made it to the edge of the forest, the ground shook ones more. One loud groan of the earth as your feet quaked with the snow around you.  
“Ren!” You called out, following the trail of blood and mangled branches. Your heart was hammering for a different reason as the puddles of blood grew deeper. What if he was dead? What if she had killed him?  
A scavenger? Was she capable of killing? A wave of anger overthrew your anxiety as you climbed over branches. She has hurt him, caused him to bleed. She had probably been the one that had shot him.  
“REN!” you bellowed, your voice echoing in the cavernous forest. In the distance, you heard a pitiful groan. You squinted, seeing a black mass lying on the ground before a crater that had formed in the earth.  
“REN!” you sprinted towards him, your heels sinking into the ground as you trudged through the snow. “Ren!”  
You looked down at him, his face covered with blood as a fresh gash covered his face. He gripped his side as he leaned up, his face covered with blood and sweat.  
“What are you doing here?” he asked you, his voice surprisingly calm as you leaned down to him. You touched his face, but your fingers were numb from the fridged gusts of wind. He gasped as he tried to catch his breath, grimacing in pain as you tried to help him up.  
“The base is collapsing,” you informed him, grabbing his arm in support as you tried to pull him up. His weight was too much for your weak frame. “And you need medical attention. We have to leave!”  
“For what?” he snapped, “everything I have trained for! Lost!”  
“Don’t say things like that,” you told him angrily, slipping your arm behind him. You pulled him up, his weight leaning against you as he tried to balance himself. Beyond the trees, you could hear the sounds of a ship coming in. Your heart sank, thinking that they were leaving without you. Your only chance to leave. Your eyes filled with tears at the thought of never seeing your family again. Or of dying here with Ren.  
“We need to go,” he nudged you, gripping his side as blood dripped down onto the pure white snow below. His completion was growing paler with each step you took. There was no way you were going to reach a ship before the planet collapsed. The ground shook another threat, your heart pounding as you broke out in a cold sweat. The wind stung your face as you held onto Ren, so many emotions flowing through you right now that you didn’t know how you truly felt.  
“I don’t want to die,” you whispered quietly. You swallowed hard, your grip on Ren’s hand that hung over your shoulder grew tighter as you thought of your impending demise.  
“I’m not going to let you die,” he breathed out, his face contorted with pain and determination as his feet shuffled through the snow. “I’m not going to let you die.”  
“I’m not leaving you,” you told him again, knowing what he was thinking. “I love you.”  
Ren froze beside you, his body paralyzed as he looked over at you. You hadn’t even thought of the words before the came out of your mouth. Did you love him? You had said it unconsciously, asking yourself the same question for quite a few days now.  
“I’m sorry,” you quickly apologized, your face burning as you tried to push him along. He shook his head, pulling you aside as his lips landed hard on yours. Despite his injuries, he lifted his hands to your face and kissed you with the passion of a perfectly thriving man. You could taste the blood on his face as his lips moved over yours.  
In the distance, you could hear the ground shattering as you pulled away. Fear suddenly gripped you, jerking you away from your passionate moment. Now was clearly not the time, and you were surprised he had taken a moment to do so. Near by, trees began flailing in the wind as a ship appeared, descending from above as it’s black wings folding into the ship. The two of you stood in the snow, the ships winds blowing on your faces with gusto. Ren turned and grasped you, shielding you from the cold. You looked away as a platform dropped from the belly of the ship, the General quickly running down into the snow.  
“Ren!” Hux called out. “The base is collapsing. We need to evacuate immediately. Snoke wishes to see you as soon as possible.”  
You watched as the General came closer to you, his eyes wide with anxiety. They only grew wider as you felt Ren fall to his knees next to you, his face akin to the snow surrounding you with the exception of the bright red crimson covering the right side of his face.  
“He’s too weak,” you knelt down quickly, grabbing hold of his arm. Half a mile away, the ground began to break, the earth disintegrating into a newly formed cavern. Hux quickly came over, scooping Ren up in his arms as though he weighed nothing. Surprised, you quickly tagged behind him, boarding the ship as the ground slowly began turning into the glowing red of the sun.  
You watched as Hux quickly placed his commander on a seated couch towards the back of the ship.  
“Clean his wounds,” Hux ordered to you as he quickly began walking over to the commands of the ship. “He weak from the blood loss.”  
“Shouldn’t he get proper medical attention?” you scrambled looking around for a first aid kit. The ship rumbled as Hux threw a gear forward on the command center. You felt the ground below the ship leave you, and you weren’t sure if it had just fallen into its hole or you had taken off.  
You gathered it was the latter when Hux let out a sigh of relief, leaning over the controls as he bowed his head. You grabbed the first aid kit you found under a chair, kneeling down beside Ren as Hux walked into another room.  
Quietly, you began washing Ren’s wound out on his face. The color in his face slowly began to return as he opened his eyes.  
“You’re awake,” you commented quietly. He closed his eyes again, his face contorting into a frown as his eyebrows came together.  
“Everything I worked for,” he breathed, looking up at the metal ceiling. “Is gone. I have to rebuild everything.”  
“It’ll be okay,” you promised him, watching him flinch as you wiped away the blood from his face. You lifted his robes off his body, noting the gash in his shoulder as well as his side. You began cleaning the wound under his ribs and wrapping it as he sat in silence, thinking of his future. You helped him sit up as you began wrapping his torso in a thick bandage.  
And what would become of your future? Where would you go now? Now that your new home was destroyed completely? Could you go home? Could you bear to face your family again? Surely the news of the demolition of Starkiller Base would travel. What if they heard and they deemed you dead? What if-  
“I love you too,” he interrupted your thoughts, his voice just above a whisper. You stopped wrapping his wound and looked up at him, not sure you heard him correctly.  
“I’m sorry?” you stared at him in astonishment, the bandage you used to wrap his wounds perched in your frozen hand.  
“I said I love you too,” he looked over at you, his face expressionless. You looked at him, unsure as to what you should be thinking. A smile crept over your features as you looked away. You leaned down and kissed his shoulder gently as he looked down at his lap.  
Even if it were only for the time being, you were okay with whatever plan lied ahead of you. As long as you were with him, that’s all that mattered at the moment. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not even going to lie to you guys, I was pretty half asleep when I wrote this so I really hope it makes sense. Thank you for sticking with me. I know I’ve only gotten the chance to update like once a week, but so far it’s working out well. And thank you again for all your kind comments! I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: they really really really make my day. <3   
> Happy trashing!


	21. Chapter Twenty-One

“Wake up, Ren.” The voice in your ears sounded distant. It felt like you were underwater. You shifted your body, feeling your muscles ache against the hard floor beneath you. Under your fingertips, you could feel someone’s skin. You imagined it to be Ren’s as your lips curled in a smile. 

What had awoken you?

“Ren!” The voice sounded again a moment later and you jumped, your eyes opening as you realized where you were. You looked up, seeing Hux’s grimacing face hovering above you. You turned to look, noticing Ren laying down on the makeshift bed you had made on the floor, his eyebrows knitted together in as he stirred. 

Hux nudged Ren’s leg again with his boot, “get up, Ren. Supreme Leader wishes to see you.” 

You sat up, stretching your arms as you tried to push your hair back into its messy bun. You hated being a mess in front of the General. You imagined it was just a reflux with him being your boss. Or was he still? Did you still have a job even without the Base? 

Hux turned on his heel, walking away as Ren stirred groggily on the floor. He sat up, grimacing in pain as he held his side. You heard a curse slip from his mouth under his breath. 

“Where are we?” You asked him quietly as you knelt down beside him, watching Hux as he left into the other room with his face contorted into his usual grimace. You almost felt sorry for the General. Being the leader of one of the most powerful superweapons in the galaxy and now he was left with nothing. You wondered what his next move would be. 

“Where are we?” you repeated, looking around as the memories flooded back to you. You looked down at Ren, his wounds bandaged up tightly as he hung his head. His hair curtained around his face as you touched his arm, bringing him back. 

“Rakata Prime,” Ren responded finally, his voice quiet. “This planet was used during the final battle of the Jedi Civil war many years ago. It has long since been deserted” 

“So why are we here?” you asked him cautiously, holding his arm as he stood from the floor. 

“Supreme Leader resides here,” Ren replied quietly. “He wishes for me to complete my training. To fulfill the skills needed to become a Dark Master of the Force.” 

You paused for a moment, feeling nausea rise up in your stomach. More training? More training to do what? To become eviler? To do more heinous deeds? What training could possibly be in store for him? 

“How would you do that?” you hesitantly asked. 

Ren looked away, his back turned as he reached for his robes that were flung over a chair hastily. 

“I do not know his plan,” he replied solemnly. “I only know the steps.”

You shook your head and exhaled, walking over to him. “Ren,” you began uncertainly. “I feel that-that _this_ isn’t something you want to be doing.” 

You hesitated, avoiding his eyes, “Do you truly know what Snoke’s intentions with you are? If they are genuine?” 

You watched him as he shuffled his feet towards a mirror, looking at himself for the first time since his battle. 

“I don’t know anymore,” you heard him say. He lifted his hand to his face, his fingers brushing over his new scar that covered his cheek. His face contorted in anguish, his teeth gritting as he looked away. A moment later, an already bandaged fist pounded at the glass, shards scattering across the floor to your feet. 

“Ren!” You scolded loudly, taking a step closer to him as his hands clenched into fists, blood trickling down his palm. You hovered your hand over his fist, unsure of what to do. 

“I can’t _do this,”_ he gasped, his voice cracking as he stared down at his hands. They clenched again and a bookcase behind him came tumbling down, glass shattering across the floor as a vase fell from its shelf. His teeth clenched as you took a step back, watching the anguish he felt overcome him. 

“I’ve lost everything,” you heard him say. “I am worthless!” 

He held the wrist of his damaged hand, the muscles in his bicep clenching as he shut his eyes. Something began sparking in the command room. You felt yourself tensing with fear, unsure of what to do.

“Ren, just breathe,” you tried to tell him. “You can-”

“I can’t face him!” He spat at you, his teeth showing as his voice bellowed. His dark eyes glistened. “I cannot face my Master after the defeat I just endured! After how weak I was!”

“Ren-” you held your hands up, “Please.”

He grunted loudly as he let go of his hand, throwing his extended palm through the air. Beside you, the glass from the mirror cut through the air, bouncing off the wall next to you. Your throat went dry as you felt fear engulf you. You had never really been on the other side of Ren’s rage. His lightsaber was on the other side of the room, thankfully. But he was still strong without it. 

“You weren’t weak,” you told him. “You were injured. A blow like that normally kill men, but you fought like that. Don’t you understand?”

You spoke to him with his back turned to you, his shoulders heaving as he tried to calm himself. 

“What is happening out here?” Hux reentered the room, his boots kicked a piece of glass as his eyes landed on you. His lips curled in disgust as he took in the scene before him. 

His eyes landed on Ren, “you selfishly pursue a turncoat and a scavenger for the sake of your own pride while my weapon is destroyed from the inside. I risk my own well-being to find your beaten and ravaged body in a forest and now you have the nerve to throw a _tantrum_  on my sh-”

The words barely left Hux’s lips when Kylo’s hand was wrapped around his neck. The boots of his uniform dangled above the metal floor as Ren lifted him with ease, his eyes burning with anguish. It only took moments before Hux’s pale complexion began to turn blueish with lack of oxygen. 

“Ren!” you ran up to him, feeling the glass cut into your bare foot as you yanked at his arm. “Stop it! What are you doing!” 

You felt something push you back and you landed on your bottom, more jagged glass cutting into your thigh. You scrambled to your feet, backing away. A moment later, Hux fell to the floor with a loud thud, his face full of rage as he tried to stand to his feet, gasping for air. He groped at his neck, feeling the ghost of Ren’s hand on his skin.

“You disgust me,” Hux spat before standing to his feet and quickly exiting the ship as the door slid shut. 

“What is wrong with you?” You backed away, your eyes filling with tears. “You-you-you take one blow to your ego and this is how you act?” 

“This is more than just my ego,” Ren returned, pulling his robes on. 

“You could have killed him!” You yelled, your arm flailing in the direction of Hux. “Are-are-are you trying to _prove_  to yourself that you’re still strong or something? That you’re still capable of inducing fear into someone?”

You took a step back, feeling the crunch of glass beneath your feet once more as you gasped in pain. You swore to yourself as you leaned down, grasping your foot as you leaned against the wall. Tears began carelessly streaming down your face. You shook your head, your teeth gritting as you yanked a piece of glass from your flesh.

 “Let me help you,” he offered, his voice suddenly much calmer. You swung your hand before you, pushing him away. 

“No!” you cried. “Don’t touch me. Just leave me alone. I’m not doing this, Ren! I’m not doing this. I thought you were different. I thought you wouldn’t hurt me.” 

Ren’s lips frowned, his dark eyes turning into concern as he looked at the blood trailing down your thigh. 

“[y/n],” he took a step closer, his boots crunching over the glass. “I didn’t mean to. I lost contro-”

“I don’t care,” you sobbed, sitting down on the make-shift bed you had made for the two of you. “Just leave me alone. Go do your stupid training! Go and become the Sith Lord you worship.” 

“[y/n],” his eyes pleading with you suddenly. 

“ _Just go!”_ you cried, turning away from him as your chest heaved. The back of your throat ached as you let out a cry, the realization of your situation hitting you full force. You were alone with this dangerous man on this unknown planet that harbored the galaxy's most villainous overlord. The realization that you were in love- or were you? - with someone so dangerous and unstable that it made your heart ache with despair. Everything you owned was gone - gone with the new home you had grown so accustomed to. You family probably presumed you to be dead. How could you return now? You had sacrificed everything to be here. And now look at where you were. 

“I’m sorry,” you heard him whisper, turning from you. You couldn’t help but notice the genuine sorrow in his voice as he turned to leave, the door of the ship closing as he left. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super short angsty chapter. Sorry, it took so long. My depression/anxiety has been hella horrible this week which contributes to my writers block/lack of inspiration. Thank you for everyone who has so faithfully stood by me. You guys rock! More soon!   
> p.s. I think I just needed to get this chapter out of the way before I could really get back into writing. So, hopefully I should have another update soon.


	22. Chapter Twenty-Two

You sat on the floor as the minutes ticked by, replaying the scene in your head. Your foot ached and the blanket you had placed on the floor for a bed was gradually turning crimson with the blood from your leg. You felt shocked, almost. His anger hadn’t been completely directed at you, but you had been hurt in the process of one of his episodes. You felt as though you had failed as a counselor. 

You stood up, your legs feeling like Jell-O as you hesitantly avoided the shards of glass that crudely decorated the floor. You stumbled down the corridor of the ship, peeking in rooms in search of a restroom. When you finally stumbled upon one, you hitched your skirt up and began carefully washing your wounds out. 

Blood and water trickled down your leg, pooling on the metal floor as you picked small pieces of metal out of the gash in your thigh. You didn’t know what to think of what just happened. Actually, you did. You were frightened. You felt yourself growing warm as you lifted your head, looking at yourself in the mirror. You blinked at yourself, looking at your disheveled appearance. The persistent nausea you had been feeling all morning began bubbling up in your chest as you clenched your stomach. The anxiety of last night and this morning only made it worse. 

You let out a low mumble, willing yourself not to vomit whatever contents of your empty stomach into the sink. Your silent prayer went unanswered and you quickly dropped to your knees in front of the porcelain toilet, your chest heaving as you pushed your hair back. 

As your stomach retched and your throat burned as you clung to the toilet. Beside you, you heard the clank of metal on the sink, followed by a hand brushing against your back to gather your hair. You didn’t look up.

Once you had finished, you laid your forehead against the seat, your make-up burning your eyes as you wiped tears away. The hand behind you fell to your back and you sat up.

Ren was knelt down beside you, his face looking doleful as he stared at you. 

“Please, leave me alone right now, Ren,” you managed, feeling your chest tighten again with nausea. You swallowed, leaning back as you flushed the toilet. You closed your eyes, breathing heavily as you wiped your neck with your hand. 

“I’m sorry,” he told you quietly. “I’m sorry. I - I just feel helpless.” 

“ _You_ feel helpless?” you scoffed, looking over at him as you  turned to lean against the wall. You pushed your hair back out of your eyes as Ren’s fingers trailed down your arm. He tried to touch your hand, but you pulled away from him. You shook your head, astonished he would say something like this to you. _He_  felt helpless? He had all the power in the galaxy at the tip of his fingers. He could do whatever he pleased; make anyone he wished to bow before him with the flick of his hand. And yet, here he was, telling you that he was the one who felt helpless. 

You shook your head, smiling sarcastically. “I am the one on a distant, deserted and unfamiliar planet due to the fact that the location I was forced to be stationed at was bombed and blown up to the point where it no longer exists. My family more or less believes me to be dead, both figuratively and literally, when they were the reason I accepted this position: to help them with their finances and let my brother lead a better life than I had. And now? Now my little brother will grow up thinking his older sister turned to the dark side because my father will never tell him the truth.”

Ren stared at you, his face looking disheartened. He sat back on his feet, his hand barely touching your knee. As you spoke, your eyes glazed over with tears as you felt overwhelmed by your situation. You didn’t look at him as the words were flowing uncontrollably out of your mouth. Just as your words came out in hysteria, the water in your eyes began flowing down your cheeks, stinging your eyes as you tried to shut them to stop the flow. 

“And to top it all off,” you inhaled a shaky breath, your voice rising with each word. “The man I have somehow fallen for cannot control his emotions. I was assigned to help him, and I have done nothing but get into a situation that threatens my own well being because he cannot manage to restrain himself from lashing out whenever he feels _conflicted_.” 

Ren’s nostrils flexed as he stared at you, his eyebrows knitted together. His expression remained grim as he pressed his lips together, searching for the right words. 

“I’m just trying to help you, Ren,” you managed, your hands flailing as you tried to express yourself. You ran your fingers through your hair, pushing it out of your face, exasperated. “That is my job! And I have accomplished none of it and now here I am! On this foreign, vile planet.” 

“I am ashamed of myself,” Ren finally answered. His voice was low as he tried to make eye contact with you. He stared deep into you as if he was trying to convey his message without words. 

His chin quivered, “I- I knew what was ahead of me when Hux informed me Snoke wished to see me. I knew the path Supreme Leader wishes me to be on. And most importantly, I knew he would want me to be watched.”

The anger in your face fell, your features being replaced with confusion. “Watched?” you asked. “By whom? Hux? He already -”

Ren shook his head, a sad frown fluttering across his lips at your naivety. “No, by Grand Admiral Thrawn. He remains the brains behind the First Order. He and Supreme Leader wish to ensure that I remain in line.”

You dipped your head down, looking at him uncertainly. “What does this mean?” 

Ren’s voice was low, his lips lifting in an ironic smile. “I have one more chance to prove myself that I am capable of commanding the First Order. If I were to disappoint either Admiral Thrawn or Supreme Leader Snoke, I will be terminated.” 

“Terminated?” you sat up, feeling nausea rise up again in your chest. “What do you mean terminated?” 

Ren looked away, using laughter as his defense mechanism. You knew what this meant, but you asked him anyway. 

“It means I will be killed,” Ren managed, turning back to you. 

You felt like someone had punched you in the chest. You had so many questions filling your head that you didn’t know which to ask first. 

“What does this mean?” you asked quietly. “What are you going to do? Couldn’t you simply resign before this becomes a matter of your life?”

Ren shook his head, “I am in too deep, [y/n]. I have done too much- seen too much. You know this. I wish to reign over the galaxy, but I cannot under these circumstances. If I were to resign, I would meet the same fate that I would if I were to fall out of line.” 

He paused for a moment, staring at you. You looked back at him, over his features. The bags under his eyes had faded into a deeper purple. The corners of his eyes were red with fatigue and stress. You looked up at his hair, the waves of black flowing over his forehead sprinkled with streaks of gray. Were those there before? Or had they simply emerged over the past few stressful days? 

“What about me?” you asked quietly. You could feel your chest constrict, your heart pausing as you waited for his reply. No answer was a good answer. You could return home, safe and sound but your family would not welcome you. Or you could stay here with him and hope they didn’t assassinate you when you were least expecting it. 

All the anger you had been feeling towards him was replaced with anxiety. You didn’t know what to think. _Helpless_. The word echoed in your mind as you stared at Ren. You felt even more helpless than you had before. The tears that had stained your cheeks grew moist again as another batch began flowing. Your chest began to heave as you tried to catch your breath, feeling your spine electrify itself. 

“What about me, Ren?” You asked again. “Are they going to kill me too? Are they going to watch me? I’m a witness to all of this and I am responsible for your mental health. If I screw up-” 

“I am not going to let anything happen to you,” Ren sat up, leaning in close to you. His deep eyes changed from deep concern and despair to assertiveness. HIs voice was stern as he took your hand. “I told you last night, I am not going to let you die. I will let myself die before I let them touch you.” 

You felt yourself growing nauseous with all this news. You held your head, swallowing hard as you looked down. You knew he would protect you, but the thought of him dying and leaving you here caused your limbs to quiver. 

“What if you die and I am left here alone with them? I would never be able to return home. I’ll be stuck here and I’ll-”

Ren leaned over and grasped the back of your neck, pulling you into his chest. Your sentence fell to pieces as you felt a wailing sob rise up in your chest. You leaned into him, grasping his robes as he held you. You had never really felt such impending doom in your life. What was there to look forward to? What was there to have hope for? If he were to command the First Order, where would that lead you? First lady of the First Order? Oh certainly, that is the position you always desired.

You thought of Papa as your sobs became stronger. How could you betray him like this? But how could you have been so foolish to think you wouldn’t be in danger in such a facility? 

Ren tightened his grip on your shoulder. His other trailed down to your thigh, brushing his gloved fingers over your new wound. You swallowed, remembering. More fear washed over you. 

He must have sensed this new fear you were having. 

“I’m sorry for hurting you,” he murmured against your hair. He pressed his lips to your scalp. “I promise you, it will never happen again.” 

“I am not sure I believe you,” you replied quietly, honestly.

Ren shook his head, gripping you closer to him. “I’m sorry for putting you through this. Please forgive me.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Your Trash Lord has returned.   
> More drama to come ~ *feels evil*


	23. Chapter Twenty-Three

You heaved the last box of files into the new headquarters, dropping it at your feet clumsily as dust filled the room. You coughed, looking around at the cold, metallic room. 

This was your new home, you supposed. The room was filled with soiled machinery, a window showcasing the tundra outside that brought little light to the room. In the few days, you had stayed on this new, unfamiliar planet, you had discovered that there was little sunlight. Most of the days were filled with the eerie atmosphere of the night. You hadn’t deciphered whether the chill to your spine was because of the frigid temperature or the uneasy feeling you were being watched over. 

As you stared out into the outside world, reminiscing of the window in Ren’s old room akin to this one, you thought of Ren’s words the morning he had lost his temper and learned of his fate in the First Order. You wiped your hands on your skirt, adding to the grime that had built up over the last few days with no place to wash your clothes. You sighed heavily, frowning as you kicked the box of files. 

“Not there,” Hux strode in behind you with ease, his coat hung over his shoulders. “Over there, please. And hurry, I need something in that box.” 

You huffed, pushing your hair from your eyes as you leaned down to pick up the box again. Since when had you become Hux’s personal slave? Your muscles ached from moving things from the ship to the new headquarters. Your cold fingers fumbled with the cardboard as you heaved the heavyweight again. 

“General,” a loud authoritative voice boomed through the door. You jumped out of your skin practically, dropping the box and scattering its contents over the floor. You quickly knelt down, scrambling to gather the papers in your arms. 

“Clumsy girl,” you heard a voice say behind you. You looked up and were met with a stern old man face. His goatee was combed to perfection, and his skin was the color of ash. His boots were shined so much you were virtually able to see your reflection. You cleared your throat, nodding your head as if you agreed with him in a moment of weakness. The man strode passed you, Ren following in his wake. 

His mask was covering his face, but you could feel his eyes on you as you watched him, blindly grabbing papers off the floor. Finally, he turned away, his hands behind his back as he stopped before the General with the other man. 

“Admiral Thrawn,” Hux addressed wearily, dusting off the machine before him with a gloved finger. “Nice to see you today.” 

“Who is she?” You watched the Admiral lift his chin at the question. 

You looked down, your face burning as more hair fell from your bun. You pushed it behind your ear, tidying up the papers. The file on top caught your eye. It was dated from only two days ago. 

Admiral Thrawn, 

I am placing Master Kylo Ren under your supervision until further notice. 

Please be aware of his wavering emotions regarding his covenant to remain faithful to the First Order. Since the Sacrificial constituent of his training, I have sensed his faltering desire to remain loyal. I advise you to test him in whatever ways you deem appropriate. I am giving you full jurisdiction over Master Ren.

With the guidance of the Force and General Hux, I have received suspicion of Master Ren and Miss [y/l/n]’s potential affair. Measures have been taken to cease this relationship before it derails Master Ren’s training all the more. Please be aware of these measures and see to it that they remain professional. 

Supreme Leader Snoke

Your eyes skimmed over the paragraphs quickly as you tried to read as much as possible before someone caught you. 

“She is Master Ren’s psychiatrist, Admiral,” You heard Hux say. “She has been counseling him due to his outbursts and destructive behavior.” 

You quickly shoved the thick paper back into the box as you heard the shifting of the Admirals shoes when he turned to gaze at you. You could feel his eyes on you, evaluating you as you tried to rearrange the papers to their previous locations. Your cheeks burned.

“And has this-...?” the Admiral’s voice trailed off as his question hung in the air.

“Miss [y/l/n],” Ren’s low-pitched voice answered. The Admiral turned more to set his eyes on Ren. You looked up momentarily as you heaved the box back into your arms. Ren did not move, remaining at attention with his leather hands held at the small of his back. The Admiral’s eyebrows rose.

“Yes, Miss [y/l/n]. Has she been of good service to you?” the Admiral asked, a roguish smirk playing across his harsh features. 

“Yes, Admiral,” Ren replied gruffly. 

“Good,” the Admiral nodded, turning back to face the General’s direction. “We could discard of her soon then.”

It was not an inquiry. It was more of an order. You felt the wind leave your lungs as you abruptly dropped the box where the General had pointed to moments before. You turned to look at Ren, his stature rigid from behind. His fingers flexed in their leather bounds behind him. You watched him, hoping he would say something. The pounding of your heart from the exertion of lifting the box and the undoubtable seriousness in the Admirals voice helped you to count the seconds that passed without a word. 

“If you feel it is necessary, Admiral,” Ren finally spoke. You cleared your throat quietly, just enough for him to hear you. You watched the muscles in his back twitch. 

“Good,” the Admiral agreed, nodding his head. You stood stiffly, unable to move. “We can plan on her termination in a week.” 

“Termination, sir?” General Hux turned around, his dark green eyes narrowed in unison with his sharp brows. “She has done nothing to deserve such.” 

Admiral Thrawn didn’t speak. You shuffled your feet backward until you hit a wall, silently thanking the solidness of the cement to lean against. You could feel the blood rushing from your head as your heart pounded. The tips of your fingers tingled with anxiety.

“Master Ren?” The Admiral Thrawn turned completely around, his built stature towering over Ren. “What do you suppose?” His sharp goatee curled in a snare. 

You could have heard a pin drop, nothing but the pounding of your blood shifting through your veins to occupy the seconds. 

“I agree,” Ren finally spoke, his voice dripping with defeat. “Termination.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: No, this is not the end. Do you really think I would give up on this that easily? 
> 
> A/N: I’M BACK, GUYS. Ugh! What a long semester. Thank you so much for supporting me <3 I love you all. Summer vacation starts next week and I am so ready to be Kylo Ren trash again. 
> 
> There will be more sooooon! Sorry it wasn’t super long after my like 3-month hiatus. But I have a plan c:


	24. Chapter Twenty-Four: Part I

High pitched sounds of ringing anxiety filled your ear drums. You felt as though your whole body had gone numb at his words. Had you heard him correctly?

“Good,” the Admiral nodded, the sound of a pleased smile gracing his harsh features as gazed over at Ren. 

You stood against the wall, watching the General, the only one looking in your direction. His normally stern features turned upward with concern and disgust. His eyes flickered over to you, his eyebrows knitting together as the Admiral turned around, summoning two Stormtroopers into the room. 

“Do you really think this is necessary, Admiral?” Hux inquired, raising a finger in the air. 

“Do not question authority, General. Your father would be disappointed in you,” Thrawn spoke down to Hux, his voice almost pleased. The Stormtroopers entered the room and quickly stood at attention before the Admiral, their white uniforms soiled with the labor from their new home. 

“HR2497, TO3420, please guide our friend to our solitary confinement,” Thrawn addressed, his back pin straight with haughtiness. 

“Admiral, the solitary confinement has not yet been established,” one of the Stormtroopers addressed, his voice quivering as he tried to grasp his dignity in front of his commanding officer. 

“Make one,” the Admiral addressed. “Today. Now take her away, she is no longer needed.” 

He waved his gloved hand in your direction as you felt the color drain from your face. The Stormtroopers swiveled on their heels to face you, their weapons poised as they marched in your direction, quickly seizing you under your arms with firm grasps.

You looked over at Ren, his back stilled turned to you. Anger and anxiety flooded through your veins. You kicked at the Trooper, trying to loosen their grip on your arm. You felt as though you might faint. You felt weak with panic, your limbs inadequately doing their jobs to stabilize you. 

“Please,” you found yourself pleading as the door slid open and you were dragged away from Ren and the Admiral. 

If you hadn’t known any better, or you hadn’t distracted by your own distress, you would have said you felt Ren’s emotions as you left the room. You felt a sweeping feeling of guilt and grief, and you weren’t sure if the latter was your own or your now ex-lovers. The overwhelming feeling of guilt and anguish ceased as the doors behind you slid closed, a wall now between you and Ren.  

You felt yourself being dragged down the hallway, your feet lugging behind you as all of your energy was focused on not fainting from your fear which was now combining itself with anger. Your vision tunneled as one of the Stormtroopers threw you down to the ground in another metallic covered room. He knelt down quickly, grabbing you by the ankle as you tried to squirm away. The other handed him a pair of stun cuffs for your wrists and ankles. 

You leaned your head against the wall, feeling the cuffs tighten around your ankles and wrists. You swore under your breath as a bead of sweat slid down your temple. You gritted your teeth, looking up at the Stormtroopers as they began toying with the door’s lock. Wiggling your wrists, you tried to free yourself. They only tightened themselves upon your wrists more, sending a small electric shock coursing through you.

Dazed, you rested your head against the wall once more, your breathing labored with anxiety and frustration. 

“The Admiral will fetch you when he is ready,” one of the Stormtroopers addressed you, his voice muffled by the mask covering his face. He poised his weapon in his hands again as he hit the button for the door to open. 

“As you are now a prisoner, you will remain in here until your termination,” the other Stormtrooper spoke. “Do not try to escape from your restraints. They will only tighten. I would imagine crushed ankles or wrist will only cause more agony.”

“Perhaps she should?” the first Stormtrooper commented as they exited, letting the door slid shut with a loud locking noise in their wake. 

The reality of your situation engulfed your senses fully. Your body felt so weak from your panic that you could only muster up the energy to cry. Tears streamed down your cheeks for what felt like hours. You fell on your side, the cold steel floor cooling your burning face. Your eyes stung as you closed them, wishing death upon yourself before they could have the satisfaction of doing it themselves. 

You had never felt more betrayed in your life. The heartbreak of your situation only caused more tears to fall. You thought of Papa, and Olith and even Mama. You thought of how you had given up a safe life at home to come here. How you had done it for them so that you could help pay for them to live a more comfortable life. How you had tried to send money for Olith so that he may be able to get the education you had gotten when life wasn’t so hard to them. How were they doing without you? Without your financial support? Without your emotional support? You wept for them. You wept for yourself. 

They had doubtlessly assumed you to have perished in the explosion anyway. What difference did it make if you were to die of execution? 

Then you thought of Ren. You thought of your nights together, tossing your bodies under the sheets in lust. You had loved him, you thought. It had not just been about lust. But the bitterness of your situation only caused you to deny your feelings. 

You thought of his words the first morning you had arrived at your new home. You thought of what he had said, this words of comfort that had eased your mind. 

“ _I am not going to let anything happen to you.”_

_“I’m sorry for hurting you.”  
_

_“I’m sorry for putting you through this. Please forgive me.”  
_

Your fists tightened as you wondered if this had all been a ruse. 

Had he really loved you? 

Had he really cared for you this whole time? 

 _Why_? 

Why would he do this to you? 

Why _you?_

If he had loved you, would he have agreed to have you executed? 

If he had loved you, would he have let you be dragged out by Stormtroopers in order to prove his loyalty to the First Order? 

Of course not, you recognized in grief. 

 _Of course not_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi, hello, yes, I am sorry for everything.   
> Take note this is part I!


	25. Chapter Twenty-Four: Part II

You could have been lying there on the cold ground for a few hours. Or it may have been a day. You weren’t sure. You dozed off a few times, your body exhausted from your emotions. 

Each situational response came in waves. You would feel anguish and resentment towards yourself or Ren. You felt foolish for getting involved with him, or even agreeing to this position in the first place. What was it all for? Papa refused to take the financial support you had sent them anyway. You felt even more alone than you had previously, realizing there was no one left in this galaxy that cared for you. 

You drifted in and out of consciousness during the hours that slowly passed. The walls in the room were bare with the exception of rust forming in the corners and cracks of the walls. You counted the tiles on the ceiling, begging your body to give in. 

The room grew darker as you realized you hadn’t been here for days, despite how slowly time had crept by. Before long, you were engulfed in darkness, allowing it as a tool to guide you to sleep again. 

You dreamed of Ren, of his gentle touch caressing the skin of your hips. The strength in your feelings when you would sit across from him after the first time you had slept together, counseling him despite your desire to reach over and kiss him. You dreamed of his benevolent reaction to your assault in the corridor, the first time you felt a twinge of compassion for him. 

You dreamt of Ollith, his small frame hugging you with a toothy grin. You dreamt of Mama, and of her lying in bed, depressed. 

The sound of the door sliding open startled you and you quickly sat up, your eyes straining through the darkness to see who had entered. Immediately, you were consumed with feelings of guilt that were not your own and you knew it was Ren. 

“Get out!” you screeched, your voice cracking with anguish. “Don’t come near me.” 

Your eyes quickly stung with tears as you pushed yourself away from him. Was he coming to fetch you for the Admiral? Or was he going to kill you himself? You cried out in pain as the restraints on your ankles tightened against the bone. You heard the release of his mask as it unlatched from itself, followed by a thud as he set it on the ground. 

“Do not come near me,” you warned through gritted teeth. 

“Shh!” Ren aggressively hushed you, kneeling down beside you. You had nowhere to go. If you were to move anymore, your restraints would crush the bones in your ankles. 

“What do you want?” you asked, in disbelief of his audacity. You felt a leather hand rest on your ankle, followed by a click of your restraints being unhinged. 

“How _dare_  you?” you found yourself saying as he took the cuffs off your ankles. You pushed yourself away, your wrists still held together as small shockwaves pulsed through your veins. “How dare you sell me out to the First Order to save yourself and your _pride_. Everything you said to me was a _lie. Why?_ Why did you target m- _”_

 _“_ It wasn’t a lie,” Ren’s low voice cut through the dark, the weight of his hand now on your wrist as he stopped. “I didn’t lie to you.”

“Then what did you do, Ren? You sold me out,” you spat, your voice dripping with acidity. Your chest heaved with anger as you gritted your teeth. “You-… You told me you _loved_ me. And you _used me_  so that you could look good to your superiors!-…” 

“Shh!”

Outside the metal door, you heard footsteps shuffling past the steel floor, and you felt your body cease with fear. Your eyes grew wide in the dark as you held your breath as the footsteps stopped outside the door. You swallowed hard, hearing nothing but Ren’s breathing beside you and your heart thumping in your chest. 

The footsteps carried on a moment later, and you let out an involuntary sigh of relief. Your fingers were shaking against each other. 

Death hadn’t come for you yet, you thought. 

You turned your attention back to Ren as he leaned in closer to you, the gap between the two of you quickly filled with his big frame. He grasped your wrists and waved his hand above them, the sounds of the cuffs unhinging after a moment more. 

The anger you had moments before the paralyzing fear of what you thought would be your impending death quickly vanished. You found yourself in tears again as you brought your knees up to your chest. 

All these emotions were exhausting.

“ _Why?”_ you asked him, your voice lower now. 

“Listen to me,” Ren came in closer. In the dark, you could only see the outline of his facial features against the light from under the door. You strained your eyes to look at him, hoping everything wasn’t true. Hoping, despite your situation, he still loved you. 

But why would you want that? you asked yourself.

Why would you want to be with someone who so willingly sold you to the First Order for death? 

He grasped your hand, his leathery fingers brushing over your knuckles. Tears streamed down your face as you shut your eyes, feeling the warmth of his hand envelope yours. You felt as though you should be repulsed by his touch, and yet you couldn’t find the energy or the will to pull away. 

“Why did you do this?” you asked again, this time, unsure as to whether or not you were asking yourself or him. 

“I do love you,” he spoke, his voice still low and stern, little emotion showing despite the sentiment of his words. “Please believe me.” 

“Why should I?” You opened your eyes, your face wet with tears. “I am going to die because of you.”

“No, you’re not,” he shook his head in the dark. You listened to his voice, wondering if you had heard him correctly. Wondering if this was some type of sick joke. 

“You’re not going to die,” he told you quietly. “I did this for _you_.”

“Did what?” you asked, your tone still bitter despite his gentle caress. 

“It is not safe here for you. It is not safe here for anyone. You need to go home, where you belong. This is not your home, [y/n].” 

Your chest felt like it had caved in from the middle. Your fingers twitched with anxiety as you shook your head, unsettled by his words. What did he mean? Why was he doing this?

“There is an escape pod located next to the hanger down this hallway. I want you to use it, and get yourself out of here. I want you to go home. You’re not safe here,” he repeated. 

“You sold me out to save me?” you asked him. “Is this another ego booster? A hoax against me?”

You felt his fingers twitch against yours. _Anger_ , you felt. _Hurt._

 _“_ No,” he replied, a twinge of sadness in his voice you had never heard before. “Not at all. I just want you to be safe.” 

You felt him reach into his robes. A moment later his leathery thumb was pressing something into your palm. He enclosed your fingers around the cool object, standing up a moment later and brushing the dust off his robes. 

You looked down, outlining the ragged edges of it with your finger. Your heart fell into your stomach as you realized it was your piece of the Death Star Papa had given you. 

You looked up, “What about you?” 

“I will be fine,” he assured you, his voice returning to his natural unforgiving tone. “Just go.” 

You stood up, your knees wobbling as you realized this may be your only chance at freedom. You stood there in silence, wondering if you should go or simply meet your death. You waited for him to say something more, but no words came. 

“What if he had tried to kill me right then?” you whispered in the dark to him. “Would you have let him?” 

Ren paused a moment as he grasped his helmet from the floor. You walked over to him, wanting to press him for an answer to know what he truly felt for you. 

For a moment, you didn’t think he was going to reply. You felt your own hurt feelings well up inside you before his hand touched your shoulder, pulling you closer to him. His fingers enclosed around the back of your head as he placed a surprisingly gentle kiss on your forehead.  

“No,” he murmured against your skin. 

Quickly, he backed away, leaving you cold as you heard him latching his helmet back on to his head. 

A moment later, he was gone, the door left unlocked. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’m so sorry if that was too cheesy for your taste, but it had to be done.   
> No this is not the end.   
> I have more drama that needs to be written.   
> I love you alllll <3


	26. Chapter Twenty-Five

_Home._

Or was it? 

You had walked for hours from the where your escape pod had landed, wracking your brain to remember the quickest routes as the night grew chilly. Everything seemed unreal as you walked through the small farm town you had grown up in. There was no curfew, but the eerie silence that combed over the town brought a chill to your spine. 

You held your arms around your stomach, trying to keep yourself warm as your breaths came out in small white bursts in front of your face. As you drew closer, you felt yourself begin to shake and you were unsure if it were from the plummeting temperature or the uncertainty of what would be awaiting you behind that door. 

You swallowed hard, standing at the end of the long dirt road before your childhood home. You pursed your lips, contemplating turning around and sleeping somewhere else for the night. Or permanently. 

But you had no money. No belongings. Everything you had brought with you was destroyed with the exception of the piece of metal Ren had pressed into your palm before you left. You thought of him as you shuffled your feet up the driveway, a frown coming to your lips. 

You missed him, you realized. You would never see him again. And if you did, you couldn’t imagine it to be under the same circumstances. How were you supposed to live a normal life after everything you had seen? After everything, you’d been through?

Your fingers shook as you stood in front of the door, asking yourself one last time if this was the right decision. But what was a good decision anymore? You had slept with a descendant of the most late feared ruler in the galaxy. The one that had destroyed so much, and now his grandson had taken his place on the throne. 

You didn’t bother knocking, but instead, you simply cracked the door open and walked in. The familiar smell hit your nose immediately and your chin quivered. The house was silent, small snores coming from Ollith’s room. You took your shoes off, walking across the dusty hardwood floor to peek into his room. 

There he was, sound asleep beneath the covers. His face had grown more mature in the months you had been gone. His hollow cheeks were more prominent, and his nose a tad bit longer than you remembered. You pushed away the urge to go to him, knowing it would only bring commotion that you didn’t want to deal with at such a late hour. 

Across the hallway, you poked your head into your parent’s room. Papa was sound asleep on his side, facing the wall. However, something was missing, Your stomach fell to your knees and your throat constricted. 

Mama wasn’t there. 

Papa grunted in his sleep, rolling over in his everyday clothes before readjusting himself on the pillow. 

“Where’s Mama?” you found yourself calling out to him, your voice louder than you had anticipated.

He grunted again, shaking his head as he wrestled with sleep. 

“Where’s Mama?” you repeated, your voice cracking. You felt your knees shaking as you swallowed the acid in your mouth. 

Finally, he sat up, straining his eyes in the dark to make out the figure standing in his doorway. Finally, his expression hardened, his mustache curling into a sneer. 

“How dare you come back,” he scowled through the darkness, thrusting himself out of bed.

“Where’s Mama?” you questioned again, this time, your voice barely coming out. Your throat ached as you tried to hold back your tears. 

“ _She’s dead!”_  He shouted back at you, the vein in his neck popping. “She’s dead, [y/n]. She killed herself when she heard of that bloody Imperial space station blowing up. She thought you were dead!”

The room spun itself and your hands went numb. You gripped the frame of the door, feeling your knees give as you fell to the floor. 

“I’m going to vomit,” you managed, quickly getting yourself up and running to the bathroom. Instantly, you emptied your stomach of all its contents into the porcelain bowl, tears stinging your face as the realization of what you had done came crashing down on you. You cried out once you had finished, leaning yourself against the wall as you gripped your sides. 

“ _What have I done?”_ you asked yourself aloud. Your head was still spinning from the shock of the news. You turned yourself, feeling your vision begin to tunnel. You swallowed.

“[y/n]?” you heard Ollith’s voice call out. “You’re -”

You began to stand up, wanting to explain yourself as quickly as possible to your only living relative who would still accept it. You reached for the counter and lifted yourself, seeing Ollith appear in the frame of the bathroom before your vision went black. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“I’m afraid she hit her head pretty badly, Mr. [y/l/n],” you heard a voice echoing in your ears. You moved your head, realizing how heavy it felt. Something was wrapped tightly around your head as you began to come to, your vision blurring as you opened your eyes to a white room. 

“We had to give her quite a few stitches,” a nurse was standing a few feet away, her back turned to you. Papa and Ollith stood at the foot of your bed, Ollith standing closely to his father. His eyes met yours and his face seemed to brighten as he realized you had awoken. The corner of his lip tugged in a smile before Papas protective hand enveloped his shoulders, pulling him closer to him. 

“We’ll have to keep her overnight of observation,” the nurse told them, “Unfortunately, at such a small hospital, we do not have the equipment to assure us that she does not have any internal brain hemorrhaging. We will have to simply observe her.”

You swallowed, closing your eyes again. You would rather die than be here. 

“We will send a messenger for you with the news when it comes,” she told them, holding her clipboard tightly. 

“No need,” Papa waved a hand. “I have no desire to know.”

You frowned, your chin quivering as you averted your eyes. You would _much_ rather die than be here. 

“Come, Ollith,” Papa ushered the little boy out of the room. The little boy turned his head, his eyes locking with yours for a moment before the door shut before her. 

The nurse quickly turned, flustered by your father’s comment. She gave you a half reassuring smile as if to say everything would be alright when that was the furthest thing from the truth. 

“Miss [y/l/n],” she began, “I am sorry for your father’s behavior. Is there anything I can get you?”

You shook your head, not looking at her. She seemed uncomfortable. Carefully, she looked down at your chart in her hand, flipping through the papers as if to avoid conversation. 

“Your vitals are good,” she offered, “you took a nasty fall. You were bleeding pretty badly. You’re lucky your father brought you here.”

“I’m surprised he did,” you managed, your voice rough with sleep. 

“Well,” the nurse began, smiling at you genuinely this time, “the doctor believes you and that baby will be able to go home very soon.”

Your mind didn’t register her words as you turned to look over at her. You cocked your head, your chest quivering as her words began to sink in.

“What baby?” you asked, holding your breath.

She smiled at you, “you’re pregnant, Miss. [y/l/n].”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: 
> 
> Hey, I’m back. Kind of. I’ve been waiting until I’ve actually had time to sit down and write and today was the day. So I hope you liked my ‘coming back’ chapter. I’m sure some of you may have picked up on my subtle hints that she’s been pregnant for awhile. And I am aware that you do not have symptoms that quickly, but for the sake of the story, just go with it. 
> 
> I’ve missed you all c: Thank you for reading! 
> 
> ~T


	27. Chapter Twenty-Six

“The nurse hesitantly left the room, smiling nervously as you sat in your hospital bed, your head spinning. Your hands unconsciously fell to your stomach, your fingers shaking against the thin hospital gown they had given to you. 

You were pregnant.

You felt nausea sweep over you like the rolling clouds that were on the doorstep of the hospital window. You looked up, holding your head and feeling the bandages wrapped tightly around it. Outside the clouds were dark, quickly engulfing the bright blue sky that had preceded the storm. 

How could this have happened? 

How could you have let yourself become pregnant? 

How could you have been so foolish?

You couldn’t help but feel the bittersweet reality that was before you. Looking up, you noticed the white board across from you with your name scrawled across it. You exhaled when you read “and baby” below it. If happiness took the form of handwriting, that is what it would look like. 

You weren’t supposed to have children, you remembered. They had told you so when you were just a teenager. There was a 1 in 10 chance natural conception would be possible with the way your body was working.

Your eyes landed on your stomach, gazing down at your 1 in 10 chance. 

What about Ren? 

You felt as though someone took the breath right out of your lungs when you thought of him. You were so angry with him, but then not at all. He had saved you from near death, a death that he had agreed to. However, he had only agreed to it in order to save you, you mused. 

How would you let him know?

You had to let him know. 

“Your first?” you heard a voice ask you. Your head quickly turned, startled by the sudden noise. Your vision blurred and you felt pain quickly, holding it as the curtain that separated the room was pulled back. 

Behind it sat an older woman, her thick graying hair sticking out from behind the bandages around her head that were similar to yours. 

“I-” you began, trying to find the words as you evaluated her, “yes.”

The woman smiled, her legs dangling off the bed as she faced you. You observed her, her hospital gown draped across her lean frame. Your eyes landed on the chair next to her and you swallowed hard. 

“How far along?” she asked happily. 

You opened your mouth, staring at the grimy resistance fighter helmet placed gingerly atop of her clothes. 

“I-I don’t know yet,” you managed, your eyes meeting hers again. “Not far, I would imagine.” 

The woman nodded, “I remember my first time. What a nightmare the whole experience was, but let me tell you, it was worth it.”

You nodded your head, your eyes falling back to the helmet like a magnet. 

“My son is a resistance fighter too,” she offered, “very proud of him.” 

You blinked, unsure of how to respond. A few months ago you would’ve gushed with this woman about how brave her and her son were. But now you felt unsure as to what you should say. You decided against speaking. 

“How did you get your head injury?” she asked.

“I fell,” you answered quietly, curious about why this woman was asking so many questions. You looked away, back out the window as thunder rolled into the quiet town of yours. 

“What brings a resistance fighter here?” you found yourself asking, turning around to meet her gaze. 

“Classified,” she replied with a small smirk. 

You nodded, looking away. 

“Well, I’m just so excited about it that I can’t really contain myself,” you heard her say. You looked back over, your eyebrows peaked with interest and surprise. 

“I was one of the fighter pilots that took out the Star Killer base,” she gripped the edge of her mattress with a smile, shrugging her shoulders close to her. 

You blinked, your expression blank as you tried to figure out what to say in return. She had been one of the ones that destroyed your home. How could you be happy with her? But then again - how could you not?

Finally, you opened your mouth and smiled ambivalently. 

“That’s wonderful,” you managed, “you must be proud.” 

“Very,” she raised her chin. “But my fighter was hit with shrapnel and I landed here.”

You nodded, watching the rain begin to beat down on the hospital window. Little droplets raced down, streaks of wetness left behind in their wake. You wondered where Ren was. 

You wondered if he was alive. If your escape had caused a backlash at him. You wondered if the Admiral had found out that he had helped you escape. 

Something tugged at your heart and you swallowed hard, closing your eyes.

“That was pretty rough, what your father did,” she uttered to you, leaning over to catch your eye. “I’m sorry about that.”

You avoided her eyes, watching the rain more. 

“Sorry,” she apologized, “I’ve just been stuck here by myself for three days now. I am happy to have someone to talk to.” 

“It’s fine,” you replied coolly, “and I expected my father to react that way.”

“Oh,” she replied, rattled by your response. “That must have been- I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” you responding again, rubbing your flat tummy. You wondered what your baby would look like. If they would have your hair, or his. Would they have your smooth skin, or would their skin be peppered with moles like his? Or their eyes, what color would they take? 

Would he ever get to meet his child?

Would he want to meet his child?

“Where will you go?” the woman asked, her voice genuine. 

You shrugged your shoulders, looking down at the fingers that laid placid in your lap. Moments passed between the two of you where you were unsure of what to say. Her eyes stayed on you, watching you as you drew circles around your belly button. You were trying to calm your nerves, but you couldn’t help but wonder what would come next. 

You couldn’t go back there, but you also couldn’t find it in yourself to not let Ren know he was going to be a father. But how would you tell him? What would he do? 

Would he want to be a father? Would he want anything to do with this child you both conceived? You felt yourself begin to cry with the overwhelmingness of the situation. You shoulders shook as you hung your head, longing for someone to hold you. Despite the turbulent times the both of you had shared, you still loved him. You still wanted to be with him. You had somehow found it in yourself to be with him that first night, and all the times after. You ached for his warm touch, for his strong arms. 

You felt vulnerable without him near you. 

You heard the bed creak beside you and the woman was next to you, wrapping an arm around you. You almost recoiled by her touch, but you were so emotionally destroyed by the last week, that you couldn’t help but curl up in this stranger's chest and sob. Your shoulders shook as you clung to her, listening to her whisper in your ear that it would be fine. 

The sentiment reminded you of your mother, which only caused you go shake more. You wanted to scream, to cry, to curl up and rot in this bed. You were impregnated by the evilest, feared man in the galaxy, even if you knew he wasn’t really like that. 

“Come live with us,” she offered abruptly. You sat up, taken aback by her words. You didn’t even know her name.

“I’m sorry?” you wiped the tears from your cheek quickly, your throat aching with cries you had held back. 

“Come live with us, on base,” she replied. 

“I don’t even know you,” your frowned, shocked by her words. 

“My name is Aerena Drayen and I’m a resistance fighter pilot. I’m offering you to come live on base in the Ileenium system. On D’Qar.”

“I wouldn’t be useful,” you exhaled, your chest twitching. What would Ren say if he found you there? You didn’t really belong to the light or the dark. You were somewhere in limbo between them.

“Nonsense,” she gripped your shoulder, her voice grave despite her encouraging words. “Everyone can help fight them. What is your trade?”

“I am a counselor,” you replied, not looking at her. 

“I’m sure we could use some of those on base,” she smiled down at you. 

You shook your head, your voice cracking, “I couldn’t. What about my brother?”

“Do you have another plan?” Aerena offered sadly, raising her eyebrows as she rubbed your shoulder.

Your chin quivered and you hung your head, defeated. 

“No,” you managed finally. “I don’t suppose I do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: oooooweee. Okay, change of events here, folks. Don’t worry, our cinnamon bun is coming back eventually. Maybe in a few chapters or so. Again, my apologies for taking so long to update. I rewatched the recent Star Wars last night and I’m hyped to continue this. I miss you and love you all <3 Thanks for sticking with me :)


	28. Chapter Twenty-Seven

**6 Months Later**

“I really think that you’re finally getting a firm grasp on self-talk, Kavis,” you smiled, your pen poised at the edge of your notepad. 

“I think so too,” the young man smiled, his thin, lanky frame exceptionally tiny looking as he sat on the couch before you. 

“This is a big improvement from last week,” you offered, holding a hand out in acknowledgment. “I’m proud of you for overcoming your fears and facing the General.” 

He scratched the back of his short ginger hair, his cheeks blushing, “she is intimidating, sometimes.”

You smiled, “I thought so too when I first arrived here, but I’ve grown fond of her and her bravery.” 

He nodded, his eyes meeting yours. “I’m jealous that she’s Luke Skywalker’s sister. You know? I mean, the man is a legend. And to think, I get to meet him tomorrow.” 

You smiled at his boyhood giddiness. This boy couldn’t have been older than 17 years old and he was already growing in the ranks of the resistance force. 

“Well, I think that is enough for today, Kavin. Wouldn’t you say?” You offered, lifting your eyes as you realized he had still been gushing about Master Luke’s return tomorrow before you had interrupted him. 

The teenager raised his eyebrows and nodded his head, his lanky form getting up quickly to help you up from your chair. 

“I’m fine, thank you,” you waved a hand as he fussed over your 6 ½ month pregnant body while you attempted to stand up from the deep seated chair you had resided in. 

“I’ll see you next week?” you asked, stretching your back as you walked over to your desk to replace your notebook in the drawer. 

“Sure, Miss [y/l/n]. Thank you.”

“Of course,” you replied before you heard the door click shut behind him. 

Exhaling, you leaned against your desk, closing your eyes. 

This was your normal now, you thought. Speaking with nervous, young resistance fighters about their anxieties. This was, of course, what you were trained for. But you longed for the challenge of something more. 

You missed Ren, you frowned. 

You hadn’t sent him any word of your pregnancy. You had decided against it, deeming it too risky with being on the resistance base and all. You knew people wondered who the father was. General Leia was also curious about the matter, having noticed a missing few months in your work history previous to arriving here that she didn’t inquire you about, thankfully. Aerena had been the only one to ask you who the father was, but you had brushed her off with a wave and a frown, getting the message across that you didn’t want to talk about it. 

You frowned, realizing you might never see him again. You knew he probably was dead, what with all the surveillance he was under before you had left. With the risk he had taken to set you free when you had been deemed unworthy to live. 

And if he was alive, he had only fallen deeper into the darkness. 

You walked over to the door and opened it, the warm air of D’Qar hitting you immediately. You rolled your sleeves up, locking the door to your office as you walked across the base to the medical center. You looked up at the deep sky, observing the rings that encircled the planet, casting a shadow just north of where you were heading. 

Your mind wandered back to Ren as your feet took you further across the base, a route you had so frequently haunted over the past couple of months. You hadn’t found yourself thinking about him in quite a few weeks, but today was different. Today you missed him more than normal. 

You remembered when he had kissed you so passionately it still sent a chill up your spine. You imagined him moving above you, his dark hair curtained around his face that was filled with passion. His lips pressing butterfly light kisses over your collarbone. 

You shook your head, surveying the large trees that loomed in the sky above. You frowned, trying to push the thought of him out of your head. He was probably dead anyway, you reminded yourself again.

You exhaled, rubbing your belly with one hand. Although you tried hard, you couldn’t suppress one last urge to relive a memory of Ren that had been haunting you for days.

You remembered the way his body had gone rigid when the words “I love you” had slipped out of your mouth. The way his lips crashed down onto yours with the passion of a perfectly thriving man, despite his grave injuries. The way he had trudged to the ship, beaten and bruised. 

The way he had whispered the phrase back to you. 

_I love you too._

And you knew he had meant it.

* * * * * * * * * 

“Have you been having any nausea?” the droid asked as it gathered your vitals with its cold hands. 

“Not as frequently as I was,” you replied, flinching as it laid a cold palm on your chest to listen to your heart. 

“Have you had any vaginal bleeding?” it asked, lifting your shirt to place a palm on your stomach. You looked over at the droid crossly, irritated. 

“No,” you replied, pulling your shirt down. “Is the doctor here today?” 

The droid pulled away, wheeling itself towards the door as you laid yourself down. 

“She will be in momentarily,” the droid responded. 

You didn’t reply as the droid wheeled itself out, its machinery buzzing as it traveled down the hallway. You heard it greet another patient down the hall as you looked over at the diagrams on the wall. You exhaled, frowning. 

“Miss [y/l/n]?” the poked her head in, a small smile dawning her freckled covered face. Her red hair could easily be spotted from a mile away and she walked into the room with an effortless grace that you had always wished you possessed. 

“How are you?” she asked, sitting down on the stool next to you. 

“Fine,” you managed, “how are you, Dr. Aquilla?” 

“Great,” she smiled, “Master Luke and his apprentice are arriving tomorrow. It has been so long since the last time I saw him.” 

You nodded, feeling as though you had seen this cheerful anticipating glow from so many that it was beginning to nauseate you. 

“I have heard,” you nodded, looking away. “I’m sure it will be quite the homecoming.” 

She smiled, nodding happily. “I’m sure, as I said, it has been so long since his disappearance and then he chose to stay where he was and train a new apprentice. Rey, was her name?”

“I’m not sure,” you picked at your finger nail, uninterested. 

She turned the lights down, grabbing the jelly before lifting your shirt to reveal your growing bump. 

“She’s mysterious, that scavenger. Taking over the reigns of Han Solo on the Millennium Falcon. She had been captured by the First Order for information on that map leading to Master Luke. I would love to know the story of how she escaped.”

You felt as though your blood pressure had skyrocketed in that short moment. 

“She was captured?” you repeated, making sure you had heard her correctly. “And escaped?”

Dr. Aquilla nodded happily, readying the ultrasound machine and spreading the jelly on your bump. 

“So that is what I have heard through the grapevine. We are lucky to be living among such legends. I can only imagine what great things will come of this galaxy with the new uprise.”

You flinched as she pressed the machine to your stomach, moving it around as you looked over at the machine. 

That had been the scavenger Ren had captured what felt like so long ago. You remembered she had escaped and the entire base was put on lockdown. That had been only the beginning of the domino effect of how your new life had come crashing down within hours. 

Your fingers clenched and you bit your lip, conflicting emotions overwhelming you as you realized she had been the one to bring everything down. She had been the one to duel him in the cold, leaving him for dead with wounds that would have normally killed a man. 

But she had also helped save the galaxy from the First Order. 

“Feeling okay?” Dr. Aquilla asked, raising an eyebrow down at you. 

You nodded, attempting to smile. 

“You’re looking a little pale down there,” she pointed out.

“I’m fine, thank you.”

“Have you felt the baby kick at all lately?” 

You knitted your eyebrows together, frowning. “No, I don’t think I have. Is everything okay?”

She smiled, “Yes, everything is just fine. Some babies are more active than others. Nothing to be worried about.” 

You exhaled, watching the black and white blurry images on the screen next to you. 

“The baby seems to be healthy. It has a strong heart beat and everything seems to be developing properly at this stage.”

You smiled, feeling relieved even though you hadn’t thought of the possibility of something going wrong. 

“Would you like to know what you’re having?” She asked, smiling knowingly. 

You considered her question, hesitating before nodding. 

“It seems your having a boy, Miss [y/l/n],” the doctor told you. 

You smiled, almost laughing. Suddenly you felt overwhelmed with emotions, your chest contracting as you looked up at the screen, seeing the blurry images of a human forming. The pumping noises of a heartbeat filled your ears the more she moved the device around and your chin began to quiver with bitter-sweet sadness. 

Would you have to raise this baby boy alone? 

Probably, was the only answer you could think of. 

The doctor turned the machine off and handed you a towel, still smiling. 

“Is there anything else I can do for you? Any questions or concerns?” 

You shook your head, your chest cramping with sadness and happiness all at once as you cleaned your stomach with the towel she had given you. A moment later, the doctor handed you a small photograph, a little head and two small hands and feet showcased in black and white. 

You held your chest and shook your head, “No. But thank you.” 

Dr. Aquilla smiled, patting your knee as you sat up, not taking your eyes off the ultrasound photo. 

“I’ll see you in a few weeks then,” you heard her say, barely listening as you stared down at your baby.

* * * * * * * * * * 

You didn’t how your feet got you home, but they did. You opened the door to your small apartment, the little belongings you had acquired stacked in the corner of your bedroom. Your zombified body dragging your feet to your bedroom. 

“ _I don’t know how I’m going to do this,”_ he had whispered sadly to you _. “I just know I want to do it with you next to me.”_

The back of your throat ached and finally, you broke. Laying yourself down on your bed. You curled yourself into a ball on your side, clenching your jaw as tears streamed down your face. You rubbed your belly, putting the ultrasound photo next to your bed. 

You thought of everything you had sacrificed to go to Starkiller Base, all with the hope of providing for your family. You mourned for your mother, your brother and your father, despite only one of them being deceased. You begged the gods for your father’s forgiveness, knowing he would never forgive his daughter for being impregnated by the First Order leader. 

You thought of how you had jeopardized your job to be with Ren. How he had jeopardized his job to be with you and to save you. 

To save you, you remembered. He had saved you. 

You wished he was still next to you. 

You wished you didn’t have to do this without him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay! Please, for the love of god, let me know if I am making this too dramatic or lovey-dovey cheesy shit. I do not want that. Having not written for awhile, I want to make sure that the story if still flowing properly. I know a lot of people aren’t reading anymore, but I still would like feedback from those of you that are :) Ren is coming back soon, so don’t worry.   
> Reblog and liking and commenting are my favorite things in the whole world.   
> Thank you!   
> ~T


	29. Chapter Twenty-Eight

Today was the day.

The entire resistance base was full of jovial commotion in preparation for the return of Master Luke and his newest apprentice. You huffed, wrapping your arms around your abdomen as you continued to walk across the base to your office, watching people animatedly conversing with one another. 

However, it was starting to get dark and Master Luke had yet to make his homecoming. 

Once you reached your office, you sat down at your small desk, ruffling through some paperwork on patients that have come and gone from the base, whether for a short period of time off on a mission or permanently. You frowned, closing a folder of a resistance officer who had recently perished on a mission. 

The war was still real, despite the destruction of Starkiller Base. They could rebuild, and of course, everyone knew they would. 

You thought about how everyone probably assumed Kylo Ren had perished. But you knew differently, and you couldn’t help but feel your nerves twinge at your dismal secret. He was still alive somewhere. Back on that planet so far away under the control of the Admiral and Snoke. 

You frowned, thinking of how he had once been your patient. How you had come so close to a breakthrough with him. 

He knew deep down that this was not the path for him. He knew that all this smoke and mirrors that Snoke put on were just something to mesmerize him with power. They had taken advantage of him as a young child, leading him to believe that his powers were to be used for something other than what his family had yielded them for. 

 _He could’ve changed,_ you thought. _He could’ve changed if your home hadn’t been destroyed._

Your home, you mused. Home was not a place anymore. Home was a person. A person you were conflicted within yourself on whether or not you should still love.

You absentmindedly rubbed your belly.

Your door swung open, startling you out of your seat. 

“Master Luke is here!” Kavis’s face poked in, exasperated with boyhood glee. He grinned, his lanky figure hidden behind your heavy door. “Come meet him!” 

You held your chest, your heart pounding from the sudden interruption of your quiet moment. You quickly shoved the papers back in the drawer without another look and followed Kavis out the door. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * 

A large group of resistance workers huddled together in the center of the base, the smell of a newly landed aircraft fresh in the atmosphere as you watched grown men jump to see above the crowd. 

You smiled, never seeing people you’ve counseled for depression so gleeful over a legend once thought of to be lost forever and was now standing in their presence. 

The crowd parted and from a distance, you saw Master Luke. His beard covered most of his face as he pulled his hood back and descended from his aircraft carefully. He looked so much older than you had anticipated. His long hair and beard completely covered in gray hairs, showing his age like the wrinkles on his forehead or the crinkles at the corner of his eyes that were reminiscent of a time of peace.

The crowd greeted him with pleasantries, waving and attempting to shake his hand as his made his way over to the General - over to his sister. Behind him descended the scavenger that Ren had captured, her muscles much more toned and prominent than they had been the previous time your eyes had landed on her mistakenly. 

You crossed your arms over your belly and leaned against a pole, watching the scene unfold before you as Master Luke gave a long awaited embrace to his twin sister, Leia. From where you were standing, it seemed the General had a twinkle in her eye that had nothing to do with the setting sun shining in her direction. She smiled at her brother and touched his beard, telling him something that you mused must have been about its length. 

Finally, a hug was given to the scavenger - you bit your tongue calling her that. She wasn’t a scavenger anymore. You realized you had picked up Ren’s habit of degrading her before you even knew her. You smiled as Leia greeted her with a hug, her body language giving away that they had met once before. 

You heard Leia introduce the new apprentice to an officer beside her. You watched the words fall from her lips - ‘Rey’. 

So the scavenger had a name now. 

You felt yourself yawning, covering your mouth as your eyes squinted with sleep. When you looked back over to the crowd, Rey was staring at you. Her eyes locked with yours and you quickly looked away. 

“Long day, Miss [y/l/n]?” someone asked beside you.

You nodded your head, rubbing your belly as you looked back over. Rey had turned her head back to Master Luke and General Leia.

“I should probably head to bed,” you said aloud, whether to the girl next to you or yourself, you weren’t sure. Slowly, you turned around and headed back to your quarters without looking back. 

* * * * * * * * * * 

You woke up feeling dehydrated. Being pregnant caused you to constantly feel both thirst and incessant need to use the restroom. Looking over at the clock you noticed it was only a little past one in the morning. You sighed to yourself, creeping out of bed to use the bathroom. 

You went to grab a glass of water, you noticed the tap was off. Again, you sighed to yourself, weighing the benefits of walking down the hall to the small community kitchen to grab some water. 

Finally, you mustered up the strength to take a stroll. You wrapped yourself in your heavy bathrobe and shuffled your feet down to the community kitchen area. It smelled like leftover food that made your stomach churn unpleasantly. 

You drank an entire large bottle of water and sat yourself down, gasping with refreshment as you put it down. You were sure the baby would wake you later with a satisfied kick, or to relieve yourself after such a large drink. Suddenly the light switched on behind you. 

You jumped and turned around, finding yourself before the new Jedi apprentice. Her somewhat celebrity status caused you to quickly look away as if you weren’t really there, trying to get the message across that it was much too late to talk. 

You watched as Rey grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and took a swig as you stood up to make your way back to your quarters.  

“Tap is out,” she spoke suddenly. 

You stopped, irritated that you hadn’t made it away before she spoke to you. 

“Indeed,” you replied. “I wonder why?”

“Have no idea,” she replied. 

You turned around, looking at her up close for the first time as she took another swig of water. Her skin was smooth, full of youth and dusted in freckles. She exhaled, smiling at you. 

“How far along are you?” she asked, gesturing to your ever growing stomach. 

You absentmindedly held it, “About six months.”

“Do you know if its a boy or a girl?” she asked, smiling a big grin. She seemed to leech off your pregnancy happiness, or what was supposed to be your happiness. 

“It’s a boy,” you whispered. 

She grinned at you from the top of her water bottle, her smile radiant. 

“I’m happy for you and your -”

“It’s just me,” you interrupted her suddenly. You felt shame wash over you, but the bitterness that you had to do this alone had surfaced to the top of your emotions before you could even stop it. 

“Well, that’s okay. You seem like a capable woman,” she offered, not missing a beat. You shifted your weight on your feet awkwardly, feeling your cheeks burn and cursing yourself for coming down here for something as trivial as a glass of water. 

“I’m Rey, by the way,” she offered her hand. 

“I know,” you replied. Realizing you sounded rude, you gave her a smile. 

“I’m [y/n],” you took her hand, her grip much stronger than yours. A mere human, not a Jedi in training. 

“Nice to meet you,” she smiled. You stood there in discomfort, shifting your weight on your heels. 

“I should be getting back to sleep now. This pregnancy is fatiguing, you know,” you finally said, grabbing another bottle of water from the refrigerator. She shifted her eyes to your stomach again, this time looking as though she were trying to figure out something. 

“Nice to meet you, again,” you offered. 

“Same to you.” 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Something felt was off, and you couldn’t quite put your finger on what it was. You could feel it in the air, but perhaps it was just the excitement wearing off from yesterday’s festivities. Or perhaps it was the rain that had been coming down since early that morning. 

You dressed for the day and made your way to your office, taking note of how everyone seemed to just fall back into the same repetitive motions of day to day life on the base. 

You racked your brain, trying to remember what patients you were seeing today and if you could possibly cancel them. You hadn’t gotten much sleep last night. After your brief meeting with Rey, you just couldn’t seem to fall back asleep. You tossed, thinking of how you had blurted out that you were going to be a single mother. Or how awkward you had been, not knowing what to say to someone like her. 

You had seen her in such a weak state, captured by the First Order and tortured by Ren for information on the man who had trained her to be the strong woman she is today. 

You sighed, frowning. 

You heard voices from General Leia’s office at the end of your hallway as you fiddled with your key to open your office door. You glanced over, the door was cracked open and you couldn’t help but think that it was an accident by the tone of their voices behind it. 

You took a few steps closer, finding yourself intrigued by the conversation. 

“This will work just fine, Rey,” you heard the General say, “Wonderful work. I appreciate your input on this monumental experiment we have going on here.”

“Of course, General,” Rey replied humbly, “It is my pleasure.”

“You may return to Luke, he is waiting for you for a sparring session, I believe.” 

“Of course,” Rey replied. 

Nothing interesting, you mused, walking back to your door. 

Then, suddenly, 

“General, I have a rather odd question,” you heard Rey’s voice say, her voice hush. You leaned closer, taking a few steps towards the door, obviously eavesdropping at this point. 

“Yes?” the General responded, sounding distracted with something. Perhaps a battle plan for the next operation. 

“There is a woman on base, who is pregnant-”

“Ah, Miss [y/l/n]?” 

“I’m unsure of her surname, she informed me her name was [y/n].”

“Yes, what about her?”

There was a pause and you felt your face begin to burn as you held your breath.

“Where did she come from?” Rey finally asked.

The General hesitated, “Your guess is as good as mine.” 

“But aren’t there background checks to work on base? What is her specialization?” 

“Counseling,” she replied, “psychological counseling for those on base.”  

“And her background?” 

“She provided information on her previous work, with a 6-month gap in her recent work history. A fighter pilot, Aerena Drayen was wounded and placed next to her on in a hospital on Lothel, a remote farm planet in the Northern sector that her fighter had landed on. Drayen said she felt sorry for her and once she heard what her specialization was, she offered to have her come live here. Other than that, there isn’t much I know about Miss [y/l/n]. Why do you ask?”

“Curious,” Rey replied, trying to sound nonchalant. 

“Come now, Rey. What is the real reason?”

Rey paused again, starting and stopping her reply a few times.

“I sense something in her,” she said. “Since I’ve been training, I’ve been able to be more in tune with the Force within me. I am able to harness it and control it. Sense it, yes?” 

“Rey, are you implying that you sense the Force within her?” 

“Perhaps,” Rey replied. “Perhaps that is it. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. But then again, I am new to -”

You quickly backed away, not wanting to hear any more. You felt your hands shaking as you walked back to your office, wiping your sweaty palms against your skirt. You slammed the door and quickly sat down behind your desk, unsure of what to think of what you just heard. 

You decided to ignore it. What could come of it? The General asking you some questions that you would not have answers to. Or questions you would have answers to and wouldn’t be able to tell her. 

You scribbled some notes down from yesterday, trying to distract your mind. 

A half hour passed. 

And then another. 

Finally, it was time for your first patient to arrive. You waited calmly, trying to push away what Rey had told the General. It kept gnawing at you, thinking of the small baby boy inside your womb. Thinking of how it harnessed powers beyond your strength and knowledge. 

Ten minutes passed.

_What if he became like Ren?_

Another ten minutes passed. 

_What if you had contributed to the dark side of the Galactic war by giving birth to this baby?_

Five minutes passed.

_What if he joined his father?_

The ground suddenly shook beneath you and you quickly stood up. Your ears picked up the sounds of something crashing. You walked out of your office, thinking perhaps it was a misfire of a friendly aircraft. 

Others poked their heads out of their offices, asking what the noise with surprising calmness as you responded with no more knowledge than what they already had. You began walking and when you reached the end of the hallway, pushing the door open, something stopped you. 

It felt like something had taken the wind out of your lungs. You paused, holding your chest as a sense of determination that wasn’t your own washed over you. You stood up straight, breathing in a deep breath as your hand dropped to your belly.

You reached around, dipping your hand into your pencil skirt pocket. The small piece of metal Papa had given you there. You took it out and looked down at it, something you weren’t quite sure you knew why you were doing. You thought of how Ren had pressed it into your palm that night, a memory you hadn’t really thought of in quite some time. 

You looked up, a force drawing you towards the commotion in the pouring rain. Your hair immediately matted to your forehead, your regular bun a sad sight as it drooped under the weight of water it held. In your palm, you clenched your stupid piece of metal that you wished meant nothing to you before pushing it back in your pocket.

You persisted through the rain as the ground shook again. You were beginning to think that this wasn’t such a calm situation as men ran passed you in full fighter pilot armor. The sounds of blasters rang in your ears and you couldn’t help but feel the urge to turn back, but you persisted. 

Emotions were drowning you and you couldn’t figure out why. Were they your own? You had no reason to feel angry, yet you were. You had no reason to feel guilt, yet you were. 

The noises of blasters were getting closer and you felt your own fear engulf you. Finally, the scene before you unfolded as a crater in the earth where the center of the base used to be. Debris of A-Wings and Y-Wings and the hanger sat in the crater, the men that were remaining wielding their blasters at the Stormtroopers.  

You hid behind a piece of metal that once held up the hanger. You watched men storm pass you, jumping down into the pit to fight for their base. 

A-Wings and TIE fighters dueled with each other in the sky. Men shouted orders at each other, yelling orders not to fall back - to persist. You began to back away, your clothes sticking to your body as you pushed your hair out of your face. 

How could this have happened? And so quickly? Without notice? 

How could the General not know?

Then you realized: they were here for Luke and Rey. 

The last Jedi. 

Your eyes landed on a black ship that stood proudly among the remnants of the mighty Resistance. More Stormtroopers exited. 

That feeling of the breath in your lungs leaving you happened again. You shut your eyes, gripping your chest. 

Suddenly, the unmistakable sounds of a light saber triggering on filled your ears. Carefully, you opened your eyes, feeling yourself begin to shake at the realization. 

And then your eyes landed on Ren. 

Just a mere cloaked figure standing at the head of the Knights of Ren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow, that was a long break. My bad.   
> Sorry for the drama. Hope it wasn’t too cheesy because I hate cheesy. This has been the idea that has been brewing in my mind for months now.   
> Enjoy :) <3 And thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is very much appreciated. :) More soon!


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